New Life
by Just-a-Try
Summary: Kou lost the war. In a last attempt to keep the country from being swallowed up by their enemies, the emperor - abandoned by Al-Tharmen - makes a grave desicion: To sell their magi in order to buy time. (Warnings inside)
1. Prologue

**Warning: Possible OoCness, mentions of past abuse.**

**I hope very much that I could erase all mistakes (be they spelling or grammar mistakes) but if you see anything that is written wrongly, please tell me so I can correct it. Aside from this I wish anyone who likes this genre and pair a lot of fun while reading. This is also my first story, so please tell me what was good and what wasn't.**

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So this was it. He would be sold. Sold off to some kind of fucking country with a dickhead as a king. And for what? So that his oh so loving emperor of the Kou Empire could save his fucking ass.

Judar's hands shook as he clenched them, cursing once again the extra necklace around his throat. It was a blue one and a nasty one at that. It completely sealed off his magi powers. He was cut off from his beloved magic and it felt horrible. He felt lonely and it was too damn quiet around him. Judar was used to the small sounds the Rukh made, the tales or feelings they sometimes whispered to him if he listened closely enough.

He could see them, yes, but it was…it felt like they all were on the other side of a wall of glass. There, but unreachable for him. Cold and far.

For a moment, Judar lifted his head and looked around, instantly regretting it. The other members of the royal family were with him. Except for Kouen who still tried to save whoever he could of his household. And he couldn't see neither Hakuryuu nor Hakuei anywhere.

However, he clearly saw Kougyoku who was almost deathly pale and trembling. She didn't cry, but the look on her face was ten times worse. Kouha tried to quietly talk to her and his big brother Koumei, but neither were really listening. The youngest prince was the most composed from them all, aside from Koumei. But maybe that was because they firmly believed Kouen would clear all this up.

None of them, not even Judar, had thought that they would lose the war they had picked. Maybe it all started to go down the drain when he declared to Sinbad that they would attack Sindria or when they fought with Reim. It certainly was a losing battle when even Partevia participated. Whatever that country of war wanted was unknown, but combined with Reim, and Sindria with their cursed seven seas alliance, Kou almost fell. Or rather, they were only an inch away from being swallowed by their enemy nations.

And now they were going to be sold off to the winners in order to 'make amends' and to 'calm' the other kings down.

Judar looked back at his hands. To tell the truth, it didn't matter to him what kind of king he had to listen to. It would be the same thing as here in Kou. However, he would completely lose his freedom, his possibilities of just leaving and clearing his head. To forget for a while how much shit had happened to him – and still happened. And even though he would never admit it, he would miss the princes and the princesses. His 'old hag' and the three brothers and Hakuryuu with his sister.

Right now it didn't matter to him where he ended up, it would all be the same. His red eyes were dull as he stared at his hands and at his bracelets. He just…a part of him hoped that in this war he would have found a means to free himself from this curse that was put on him not only by Al-Tharmen, but also by the current emperor. That man was the personification of evil and his personal tormentor ever since he had been a small, helpless child. A child which didn't know anything about the world and was learning to control his massive powers as a Magi.

Another part of him hoped that his friends – the only true ones he ever had had in his whole life – that his friends would be spared. He hoped so desperately that they never had to face the nightmares he had to. Even though he had to admit, Hakuryuu showed the signs. That was one of the reasons he kept a close eye on the prince and always offered him a trip to a dungeon. It was why he offered him power. It was the only way for him to help the raven and also the only way he knew of.

The door opened and Kouen came in. He had a deep frown on his face and was more than deadly serious. It was a face they all had to admit, they had never seen before. Kouha got up.

"My brother, my king, what does the emperor say?" Kouen sighed, taking a seat.

"He said if we all gather to fight again despite already admitting our defeat, then he would let you all off the hook. But…he also said we have to sell off Judar to gain time." Kouen's voice was full of disgust, even though his face didn't quite show it. He had forced himself to be too calm, to just not show whatever he felt now. Kougyoku who had been very silent up till now suddenly jumped up.

"What?!" She yelled, even though her face was still an ashen white. "How dare he!? Like hell we are going to let Judar-chan get the brunt of it! If it weren't for him, we would never have gotten this far!" Rage was clear in her voice and her gestures. Kouha nodded.

"Yeah! Just think about all the things he has done for us!" Judar's mouth actually hung open at the outbursts of these two. He had to admit that he never thought he was that important to them. He always thought he was 'just' the Magi, the guy who would help them to get stronger. It seemed he was wrong.

Kouen nodded.

"I know we have to think of a solution. I won't let any of you be sold off. Especially if they are people from a country we had a war with. But currently, all our Djinns are taken from us."

"Err, big brother Kouen, I don't mean to interrupt, but…where are little Hakuryuu and Hakuei?" Judar had to smirk lightly at Kougyoku's nickname for his favorite prince. Kouen's frown deepened at that and Judar sat up straighter. No…

"I fear they are already…gone. I am still trying to find out what happened to them, but none of those Al-Tharmen bastards nor our 'beloved father' or 'mother' will tell me anything." Kouen spat the words as if they where poison. It was silent for a long moment.

"Don't worry. I will find them. And I will get them back to us. We will stand together and we will get through this. I'll try to get to talk with the leaders of the empires and countries we fought against. Maybe they are willing to help us if we promise to fight for them."

"Them? But the Kou Empire-"

"Is no longer important! We are important. And furthermore, what can we expect of the people here who are willing to sell us off so easily?" Kouen interrupted Koumei, who fell silent again. Then the oldest of the siblings sighed heavily.

"This is the only solution I came up with. Tomorrow I will talk to father again. Maybe he will change his mind. If he doesn't…I will try to talk to the other kings."

"And what if that goes wrong?" Everyone looked over to Judar at the same time. A rare expression of seriousness was on the raven's face and he looked back unblinkingly.

"What if your plan doesn't work?" Kouen narrowed his eyes for a moment, his frown becoming even deeper, if that was possible.

"Then we will escape. There are guards still on our side who would be willing to make sure we can get away." They wouldn't get far, they all knew that. Not with such a dangerous situation around them and most certainly not with all those enemies in front of them. They had nowhere to run to if Kouen's plans failed.

Judar looked back at his hands. They felt cold and were lying limply on his folded legs. He had made up his mind. He would do one last good thing or most probably the first good thing in his whole damned life. He would save his friends. The only people who were willing to fight for him.

Maybe he will get lucky and end up with someone who was…no…in his world there was no one kind. And not in the way he would be connected to the king that would 'own' him from now on.

Oh, how much he missed his wand! How much he wished he could rip off this cursed necklace! But every time he tried to, it started to hurt like hell. He looked up, watching the dark Rukh fly around him. Slowly, Judar lifted a hand and tried to reach out to them. They flew around his fingers, without touching him. And for a short moment, Judar felt terribly alone and cold.


	2. Chapter One: Sold

**Warnings: OoCness, mention of past abuse, (and for those who didn't guess it yet) yaoi in later chapters.**  
**I hope you enjoy the new chapter, it will probably be one of the longer ones I guess. If there are any mistakes, please notify me so I can erase them.**

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Judar took a deep breath. Alright, he was ready. He would do this for his friends, so that they hopefully would find a way to…to just escape. They had more chances for that on the front or on the way there. He hoped they would find a way to stay safe and healthy. He hoped so. Hope was the only thing left for him as he walked down the corridor.

In a few moments, he would reach a door and behind that…would be his life as a slave. For a short moment, he smiled. It was a bitter smile, one that didn't reach his still dull eyes that showed none of the hidden fear and hatred that quietly ate at his heart.

How far he had fallen…one day he was a Magi, the great being of the Kou Empire, and on the next day, he was a sold item. Without stopping, he opened the door. If he had hesitated for just a second, he would never have found the guts to go through with this.

Judar froze as he saw who stood in front of the emperor. Sinbad. No…why him? Why the High King of the Seven Seas of all people? Sinbad, who he had hurt on so many occasions…Sinbad, whose country he had threatened and whose people had been hurt because of him.

He didn't believe that the king of Sindria had a large enough heart to forgive him for all those things. Well, this must be called karma, Judar thought, while keeping his act together. Sinbad had every reason to hurt him…to make him suffer. Judar had no doubt about that. No matter how generous or kind the king always seemed to be, there was just no way…no way he had done this for a good cause. Not after all that had happened. Judar had stopped believing in those kinds of good people a long time ago. They just didn't exist.

The emperor cleared his throat when Judar stopped beside him. The Magi barely had the strength to look at Sinbad, but the attention of the High King was on the emperor and not at him. Sinbad's face was serious and cold, almost threatening as he talked with the man in front of him. A man that was still more than well fed, a fat pig as Judar liked to say, while the people of his land were thin and hungry.

"I understand. I will leave the matter here to Reim, but remember the deal we have." The emperor nodded quickly and Judar blinked. A deal? And the Reim Empire? If two nations got friendly out there, it was Sindria and Reim. There was no way Sinbad was completely out of this. Maybe as the king of Sindria he would no longer participate, but as a friend of Reim he would turn up if necessary. Judar didn't bother to tell the emperor that. That pig could rot in hell for all he cared.

He hated the man with a passion and couldn't even stand being near him. But he had to bear it. His friends, he reminded himself. He would save them.

Then Sinbad turned to Judar and the threatening aura disappeared, but he kept his cold, controlled expression.

"Let's go, Judar." Sinbad simply turned around and Judar seethed for a moment. Commanding him around already, huh? Then he remembered what could happen if he said too much, if he provoked anyone too much, especially in his extremely defenseless state right now.

It was also when he followed Sinbad, that he saw Ja'far and Masrur waiting at the door leading to the outside. They both were anything but happy to see him. Well…Masrur looked the same to him as always. Scary, he almost thought as he suddenly understood how damn fucking easily the Fanalis could squish him without even trying hard. After all, Judar had nothing but his clothes to protect him. He was powerless, totally powerless and defenseless. No Borg, no Rukh, nothing.

Judar almost shuddered, especially as he remembered how that Djinn of the Chibi Magi had crushed him. A world of pain had erupted before he had lost his consciousness back then. It was nothing he wanted to experience again. Ever.

But he had to admit, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could be done to him. Judar had to stop his thoughts as they left the palace. The less he thought about these things, the better. He stayed silent the whole time while Sinbad talked to Ja'far and Masrur kept an eye on the Magi.

Actually, the Fanalis walked directly beside him and Judar almost shied away, but he was not one to shy away from someone. He wasn't a person who was afraid. He was confident and cocky and he did whatever the hell he wanted outside and most of the time inside of the castle walls.

At least, that was the case before he had gotten this necklace. Now, he felt so clearly how there was no way for him to use magic. He felt the wall between himself and the Rukh, who still were around him, but unable to be with him. And he hated it. Judar hated it even more than what the emperor had done to him. He hated it more than being sold off and he hated it even more than being hurt or having to worry.

It was the worst thing to him right now. The only thing that was his freedom, his strength, his whole being had been ripped from him. It was like he had held a light of the world in his hands, only to find them suddenly empty. He felt so lost and alone without the constant touch and clear chirping of the Rukh. He felt like he had been left standing in the middle of the road and suddenly every light was gone. He couldn't see anything anymore, couldn't even move.

Then they arrived outside of the castle walls and Judar saw the woman, that magician of Sinbad's, standing before a circle of magic. Oh, how he envied her right now. What would he give to at least feel the Rukh!

He flinched slightly and instantly cursed himself as Sinbad laid a hand on his shoulder. The king shot him a surprised look before nodding to the magician.

"Judar, this is Yamuraiha. Yamuraiha, you already know who he is." The woman nodded seriously, before motioning to the circle.

"Please step into it, my king." Sinbad nodded and gave Judar's shoulder a light push. Together, they all stepped inside. Yamuraiha mumbled a few things quietly under her breath and a second later the symbols glowed and their surroundings disappeared with the growing light. A moment later, they stood in a tent.

Sindria's camp on the front, Judar noticed. He also noticed how Sinbad excused his generals, who left, albeit reluctantly. Very reluctantly, actually.

"Come." Judar followed Sinbad through another tent opening and almost froze as he realized he was now in the personal quarters of the king.

"Why?" Judar couldn't help himself from asking and also to keep Sinbad busy. He didn't want to…not right away and…no…he couldn't just walk from one horrible nightmare right into a new one!

Sinbad, who had started to pour wine into a goblet, stopped for a moment.

"Why did I take the offer to withdraw if they give me you? Powerless and at my disposal and service?" Sinbad's voice got a somewhat hard, sharp edge at these words, his golden eyes growing cold for a moment. Then he shook his head.

"I can't believe that emperor", he mumbled and Judar had to agree.

"Anyway, I agreed because it doesn't truly keep me from this war and also to get you away from the enemy." Oh, then it had been a strategy? Hopefully…a small but in his opinion quite realistic hope that Sinbad had done this for strategic purposes and not for personal ones.

"You stay with me, at my side until this whole ordeal is over. I hope you understand that I can't trust you to not just spy on us, Judar." Right…that was something he hadn't thought of to say the truth.

Judar made a non committing sound, simply stating that he had heard what Sinbad had said. He didn't have a choice anyway.

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Judar couldn't sleep. In fact, no matter how much he desperately wished it wasn't true, he was scared. Sinbad slept just a bit away from him and even if he wanted to strangle the king in his sleep, he knew that was a plan he wouldn't succeed with. As long as the king wasn't drunk, he was a very sharp person, easily woken.

Judar slowly rolled onto his side, carefully making sure he avoided any noise as well as he could. He was restless, mostly because the only times he ever shared a bed with someone was on…the times he liked to describe as nightmares. Especially since they almost only happened in the middle of the night.

He took a deep breath, trying but failing to relax. His head actually started to hurt and he felt like he couldn't lay still any longer. Slowly, Judar sat up, putting his feet on the ground and then quietly stood up. He wouldn't leave the tent since he was damn sure a guard was right outside, but also because…he for once didn't want to get into trouble. Not while he was so very weak.

"Judar?" The raven froze up when he heard the slightly sleepy voice of Sinbad. Damn that foolish king…

"Sleep, idiot king", Judar said without thinking and bit his lip in the next second. He hated that too…he hated being so damn careful of his words and the way he moved. Was he so desperate to remain unnoticed? Yes, he was.

Because it meant that he would be left alone. That he wouldn't be…forced. That he wouldn't have to endure pain, humiliation, and things that always made him throw up afterwards.

It was one of the reasons why he stopped eating meat and mostly ate fruits. Fruits are good and fresh. Meat only reminded him of these nightmares and of the smell of that monster of a man. And furthermore, the first time it happened, there had been a drug in his meat. He had been too young to truly, fully understand what happened, but as he got old enough, he was…unable to escape, despite the strength he knew he had. The fear and the memories sat too deep.

Even now, just at the thought, he felt a shiver creep up his spine and his hands growing almost painfully cold. He felt breathless for a moment, before he managed to calm down again.

"You can't sleep. " It wasn't a question and Judar rolled his eyes slightly, glad that Sinbad couldn't see that. It was damn dark in this tent. And why would he be up in the middle of the night if he was able to sleep peacefully?

When Judar didn't answer, Sinbad sat up and the Magi cursed his damned luck. It seemed he had none of that left anymore.

"Get into bed, Judar. We have a long day before us." Right…that sadly was the truth. Slowly, almost hesitantly, Judar inched towards the bed, a bed which had felt soft at the first contact, but now seemed like a field of sharp rocks. He actually really wanted to stay away from it. The floor for once sounded very comfortable.

His hand found the edge of the mattress in the darkness and he carefully placed a knee on top of it, crawling back into his spot, very attentive to stay away from Sinbad as much as he could. It was silent for a long moment after he had lain back down.

"Are you afraid of me, Judar?" Sinbad's voice was quiet in the darkness, but clear and soft. Judar bit his tongue and cursed the High King. Couldn't that idiot just shut up and go back to sleep? Why the hell did he have to wake up in the first place?

"Like anyone could be afraid of you", Judar answered. Like hell he would bare himself in that way and admit a weakness so great. It was better he stayed the cocky brat Sinbad thought he was than to let the man know what truly went on inside of him.

For the first time in his life, Judar longed for the castle of the Kou Empire. He longed for his friends and to annoy Kougyoku, to visit Kouha in his room, walk past Kouen who buried himself in a sea of paper scrolls and feel tempted to tug on the small beard of the oldest prince. Judar missed following Hakuryuu around and watching him train, keeping an eye on him and trying to figure out who hurt him. Although, the Magi had to admit, up until today, he didn't know who was the one that made Hakuryuu suffer. Even though quite a big part of him really wished he did.

Judar snapped back into the present as he felt and heard how Sinbad turned around. He knew the king was very close to him now. They didn't have that much space in the first place.

"Judar, relax and sleep." The raven actually had to snort at that.

"Shouldn't you be more worried about yourself? After all, I could easily kill you while you sleep." That was a lie. Judar may have some muscles, but when it came to physical strength he would lose – especially without his magic. He was very sure that Sinbad wouldn't even break a sweat while fighting him off.

"Sure, sure. Just don't sneak around in the middle of the night. I don't want an uproar or that you get to be tied up when someone catches you outside." That truly didn't sound very appealing, Judar had to admit.

He stayed silent and didn't move a muscle while he waited for the High King to fall asleep again. It felt like hours in the darkness until he suddenly felt a hand brush his black bangs away. Instantly and automatically, Judar flinched away and froze right afterwards.

A strange silence settled between them until the magi heard how Sinbad sat up.

"Give me your hand for a moment, Judar." What? His hand? Why? It didn't make any sense. Judar hesitated, thought about refusing, but in the end he gave in. He really shouldn't try to make his situation worse than it already was.

He stretched his arm out and almost flinched again as he felt calloused fingers wrap around his own smooth ones. He clearly felt the years of hard work and training as a fighter, years of surviving and growing steadily stronger in this hand that held his lightly. Then he felt how Sinbad started to massage his hand and looked up surprised. He didn't quite see the face of the high king, but he had to admit that it…didn't feel bad. Sinbad was actually good at this…

Just…what did Sinbad want? Why was he doing this? After a few long moments, Judar felt those calloused but gentle hands move down his arm, kneading the muscles - having a free range since Judar had taken off his bracelets before going to bed. A part of him that had started to relax, tensed up again as Sinbad came closer to him. He almost breathed a sigh of relief when the king stopped at his shoulder and set his arm down again.

"Why are you so tense around me? Weren't you always the confident one, causing us trouble?" Sinbad's voice was light, but still somewhat serious.

It was because Judar was afraid. Because Judar knew what could happen. Because it had happened to him and he dreaded it. He was scared that Sinbad was the same, that he would do things to him, simply for his own pleasure or to get revenge. Hell, Sinbad had a dozen of reasons to treat him nastily. And yet…up until now nothing like that had happened.

The High King of the Seven Seas was more serious than usual, but that was because they were at the front of war. Aside from that, he was the same and treated him the same as usual. Well almost. He kept a close eye on Judar in case the Magi thought about running off or ratting anything out to the Kou Empire.

Maybe Judar should tell him that he didn't give a shit about that empire. And even less for that damned emperor. All he cared about was the well-being of his friends and it is guaranteed for now by selling himself off. The rest they somehow had to manage themselves…but he was confident, that once they got their Djinns handed back to them, that they would be able to escape.

"Judar, you have nothing to fear from us." What a blatant lie. At least to him it was one. Reim would have been better…maybe…they at least would throw him into a cell and keep him there and he knew what he had to expect. Partevia would probably have killed him or tortured him for information before killing him…nothing he wanted to experience.

This…just what did Sinbad want?

"What do you want from me?" Judar asked. He had to know. Had to know what he had to prepare himself for.

"What do you mean? I want nothing." The raven laughed harshly at that, suddenly sitting up sharply.

"Oh? Is that true? Then why did you buy me, huh? Do you want to have a Magi as a slave?" He knew what Sinbad thought about those topics, but he just didn't understand. And he had to understand. He had to know…had to know just how much his life would be hell.

"You are not and will not be mine or anyone's slave, Judar. The necklace will be taken off when you are no threat to my country, but you are free to go where you wish once we are in Sindria, as long as you stay inside of the borders and don't cause trouble." Somehow, Judar snapped at that. His nerves were too thin and he was too exhausted from all this, from all this thinking and worrying, from his lack of sleep and from those answers. What position would he have?

"Don't lie to me, Sinbad. I know you can't forgive me for all those things I did." Judar got to his knees.

"That is true, but we will find a solution." Ah, there it was, the quiet but enormous thing that stood between Judar's trust and Sinbad's words. He just couldn't simply believe them. Actually, he didn't believe them at all. He didn't believe in good people. There just were none.

"So? Do you want me to make up for it?" Judar asked while sliding a hand over Sinbad's almost uncovered torso, feeling the king jolt slightly in surprise.

"Judar…" He could clearly hear the confusion and the frown in Sinbad's voice, but Judar couldn't stop. He was already slipping into his other mind frame. The kind of mind frame he had developed to survive his nightmares. One he needed now to find out what his future would be like.

Without so much as a thought, he slipped into Sinbad's lap and ground his hips alluringly down, his mind blessedly blank for now.

"Do you wish for me to make it up to you like this? Do you want to mark me and to make me pay for what I did?" His hands wandered over strong shoulders until suddenly two hands wrapped firmly around his wrists and made him stop in his tracks.

"Judar, what are you doing?" Judar lifted his head and he could make out the barest silhouette of Sinbad. He leaned forward and licked teasingly from his neck up to his jaw. He felt Sinbad shudder slightly. He tasted like the sun and something Judar didn't know and also didn't want to find out.

"What do you think? I'm trying to make amends." Until you decide I have suffered enough, Judar added in his mind.

Sinbad was struggling to understand why Judar was doing this. It didn't fit the proud, cocky Magi to be this alluring. Okay, not quite. Sinbad always thought that the raven looked exceptionally delicious and he often wished that they would be on friendly terms. Not only to hit on him, but also…because he liked him. Despite what Judar had done and thought he had to make amends for, Sinbad liked him.

But something about this felt terribly wrong and what also worried him was Judar's voice. It sounded seductive, but he also heard the underlying desperation and fear. Fear from what? That he would take him up on his advances? But then why would the smaller male even offer him the use of his body?

Sinbad frowned and released Judar's arms, pushing the magi a bit away from him.

"Judar, stop. I mean it." Sinbad's voice was serious and Judar frowned. Why? Why wasn't he succeeding? Wasn't that what Sinbad was after sooner or later? Just what did the High King truly want from him? In his world, no one was above seduction.

"Why not, Sinbad? I know you want it. Or do you wish to let your generals do the deed?" Judar actually felt like he paled while he said that, his mouth going dry. He wouldn't survive that. His body started to tremble slightly and he tried to stop it, but his control was slipping. Even more and it would be starting to be too much…but he pushed on. He felt too helpless and desperately lost to stop now. He just didn't know anymore…or anything. His thoughts were jumbled and he couldn't make any sense of this mess that became his life ever since they lost the war.

"No! Judar, why are you even thinking about that? No one is going to do anything to you." Shit. Sinbad understood him better than he thought. In a second, his determination started to wane and he slowly slumped down. His head was on Sinbad's shoulder as his body trembled stronger.

Sinbad was now truly very worried about the raven. Something must have happened to him. Something very bad. Carefully, the king wrapped an arm around Judar's slim back and felt him flinch and tense at the contact. Sinbad frowned when he felt him start to tremble, as he placed his other hand on Judar's head, stroking the black hair carefully and lightly.

"You don't have to do anything, Judar. Nothing at all." Sinbad mumbled quietly into his ear and felt how the raven gripped his robes.

"Why…you have every reason to make my life hell. Why even worry about me…" He heard the muffled question and Sinbad blinked in surprise. That was what worried Judar? That he would actually hurt him? WISH to hurt him? Why?

"Judar, I thought you knew me better. I am not that kind of person. I can't say that I forgive you, for that you have caused too much grief and pain. But I will not hurt you. If you really wish to make amends, become Sindria's Magi and protect my country." Judar froze and slowly looked up.

"What?" His voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper. "You would actually let an enemy protect your beloved country? Are you sane?" Sinbad had to grin slightly at that.

"Very sane, Judar. But you have no home anymore. I offer you a place at my side. All that I ask from you is your loyalty and that you will not, under any circumstance, lie to me. I have to be sure that you will not and never in your life again hurt Sindria and its people." Sinbad had lost his mind…Judar was very sure of it. It didn't make any sense to him. It had to be a lie…but what for? Sinbad had no reason to lie, he had Judar at his mercy and…no, nothing made sense anymore.

Sindria…the place Judar secretly always wanted to visit, to see. Not as an enemy, but just as a person. He wanted to see why the people there were always so happy and why the king and his generals would protect Sindria so fiercely.

And Sinbad was right. Judar had nowhere to go. A while ago he wished just that, but the thought to really have no place he could return to after a long journey was…it was not what he truly wanted. And maybe…maybe Sinbad had that big enough heart everyone said he had and he really would let him stay without hurting him. Judar was very reluctant to believe that. He never met someone like that…someone who was truly, really kind. Well, his friends were. But none of them would take a person in that had harmed their country and friends not that long ago in the past.

Then again…Sinbad had always been very, very different. It was one of the reasons why Judar had secretly followed him around from time to time and had 'met up' with him on 'accident'. He had wanted to understand the person that Sinbad was, but to this day, he never really understood. Maybe…maybe it was because he never believed that the king was good. Judar leaned back a bit, searched for Sinbad's eyes in the darkness and tried to find a lie in them. He was almost taken aback when he realized how honest they were. He really…meant every word he said?

"Really? You mean that?" And maybe he could get rid of this horrible necklace too. Sinbad nodded, much to his disbelief.

"Yes. Can you pledge your loyalty to me, Judar? And give me your word, one that you will never break, that you will never be a threat to Sindria again?" What a situation! Here was Sinbad, asking him these things when he could easily force him. Control him with this damned necklace of his. Judar almost laughed, but took a deep breath instead. What choice did he have anyway?

"I am free of Al-Tharmen so…yes. I will become your Magi, Sinbad. I give you my word to be Sindria's Magi." Al-Tharmen really had let him go…but as a nice farewell present they had left him the necklace, saying that when it came really down to it, he wasn't the kind of magi they wanted. It was all because Judar had been in the middle of war…and started to hate it. He hated the smell of fire and burnt flesh, of spilled blood and he hated how horrified screams would ring in his ears for days.

He had to fight in order to protect himself, to protect others, something he wasn't very good at. He watched how his friends got hurt and how people died and died and died like flies. He had always believed that as a magi, he was invincible. It was then that he started to think if war really was such a good thing. Fights yes, they were fun. War on the other hand…this war had been bad. Really bad. It was nothing compared to the fights he picked to be rid of energy and to learn or enjoy himself.

Where Al-Tharmen was now, Judar didn't know or wish to know. He was just glad they were gone. And with them, the voices that told him about how great all those horrible things in the world were. He had believed that. He had really, honestly believed war was fun. Until the day he stood face to face with it.

And now…he was just…someone. He had lost his way, not only because the Rukh were unreachable for him, but also because he had to find out who he wanted to be in the future. Up until now, he thought that that wouldn't matter, seeing as he was just sold off. But with Sinbad's offer…maybe he had a chance now…to see himself, to find himself again and to find out what it was that made living truly worthwhile. He didn't see his future as some dark hole anymore that seemed to swallow him up and that he never wanted to see. Now…he felt like…maybe he could start looking forward to it. He could, couldn't he?

"Good. We will talk with the others tomorrow. Go back to sleep, Judar." It was then that Judar realized that he still was in Sinbad's lap. He actually blushed at that and quickly climbed off, feeling utterly mortified. He quickly lied back down with his back to Sinbad and pulled the sheet over and tightly around him.

"Good night." He heard Sinbad and also the smile in his voice. Yeah…right…somehow a part of him still couldn't quite believe it. It was too good to be true. …was it? He doubted it was a trick, that wasn't Sinbad's style. Still…he decided he would be careful for a while.

Sinbad waited until he heard Judar's breathing even out and then sighed, brushing a hand through his violet hair, a serious expression on his face. Just what happened to Judar? Was there something about the Magi he had missed all along? He would find out. Whatever it was, he would find it out.


	3. Chapter Two: Sindria

**I apologize that it took me so long to upload another chapter. And I also would like to thank everyone who left me review, it really made me happy! And thank you too, to all the people who read my story and found it interesting or even likeable. I hope you all continue to enjoy it!**

**Warnings: Possible OoC-ness, mention of past abuse, yaoi in later chapters.**

**I hope you enjoy this new chapter! (and that I was able to erase most or preferably all the mistakes)**

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Judar buried his head in his hands. Sweat covered his body and he trembled despite the warm night they had. His breathing was quiet, but heavy. He tried to calm down, the nightmare he had had still present in his mind. It wasn't so much a nightmare, but rather a memory. It actually was a memory of his and he resented it. Another tremble wracked his body and he took a deep breath, trying his hardest to not wake the sleeping king on the other side of the bed.

Judar closed his eyes and curled slightly into himself. He hated it, hated it so much. He hated this weak side of him that was bigger than he ever wanted to admit. And usually, during the day, he was just SO good at ignoring it. Maybe that was why it crept up at him this nastily in the night.

"Judar?" Never before in his life did Judar truly curse Sinbad. Why? Why the fuck did the idiot wake up? Why wasn't he drunk enough to just SLEEP! They were back in Sindria for fucks sake and there even had been a huge party earlier that night to celebrate someone's birthday!

The raven stayed silent and then breathed a sigh of relief as he heard the king fall back asleep. So Sinbad was drunk enough to not quite wake up. By now, the trembling of his body had ceased and only his hands were still shaking.

Judar gripped his hair lightly, resting his forehead on his hands and his elbows on his knees. The nightmares are becoming more frequent. He had the first really bad one on the last day before they left the battleground. Reim had everything under control after all.

Judar usually was good at dealing with his bad dreams – which he had quite often to tell the truth – but that they were this horrible…it had been a while since they had been this core-rattling terrifying. His skin felt cold from the sweat and his legs felt shaky. That was why he kept on sitting on the bed instead of walking around, something that always helped to calm him down.

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep, shuddering breath. The private rooms of Sinbad smelled slightly of jasmine, a bit of the ocean when a breeze drifted by, and something he couldn't quite put his finger on. It was very different from the scent in the Kou Empire bedrooms. And he hated the fact that he had to stay here with Sinbad until everyone believed that he wouldn't sneak off and do something bad – like killing innocents or running back to Kou, grinning and laughing like a madman. He would bet his confiscated wand, that almost or every general of Sinbad's thought that.

Even though he had to admit that the first days here in Sindria had been very difficult for him, Judar wasn't used to sharing a bed with someone who didn't want to taint or hurt him. He wasn't used to just sleeping beside someone, not touching and just resting. He had been very tense at first, only slowly relaxing night after night when he realized that nothing happened.

Judar lightly lifted a hand and slightly rested the barest tip of his fingers on the blue necklace he still wore. He would have to wear the cursed thing until everyone trusted him. The generals accepted Sinbad's decision to take in Judar, but they were very wary of him. Judar didn't blame them. It actually surprised him, that Sinbad believed without hesitation that the raven was no longer a threat, which is the truth. Sinbad was the first person who was truly kind to him and who gave him a home simply because he wanted to. The king didn't expect anything in return, just a promise that he wouldn't hurt anyone.

Judar looked over his shoulder, over to the sleeping king and blinked for a moment. Wait just a second…is he naked? Why? Judar paled slightly while his heart painfully skipped a beat, his breath catching in his throat, making him feel as if he choked on something invisible. Sinbad had been dressed when they went to bed…Judar looked to the foot of the bed just to find the robes the king had worn there. Crumbled and almost falling off the edge. Slowly piecing together what probably happened, he started breathing again. Great…

When Judar looked back up again, he froze as his ruby red eyes met almost golden ones. Sinbad looked back unblinkingly and more seriously than he had been the whole evening.

"Why can't you sleep, Judar? Is anything a problem?" What was it with Sinbad and his damned bluntness? Why did he always have to ask things directly and drive him into a corner? At least that was how he felt every time. How he felt right now. He felt like a caged animal for a moment. As if he would tell anyone ever what happened. He would die with this godforsaken dark secret.

"No, I woke up because it's cold", Judar half lied. The truth was, the sheets were quite thin, but that was because Sindria was a pretty warm country. Even though they had a warm night, his hands really were cold and he…under these thin covers he felt somewhat vulnerable. He didn't like it. It was quiet for a moment.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Sinbad sat up and Judar quickly averted his eyes. No matter how well the king was built or how good he looked, he was more than highly uncomfortable with a naked person around. It made him remember things he wished to forget, but knew he could not. Clenching his fists, Judar concentrated on staying away from remembering too vividly. Still, his stomach churned almost painfully, making him feel sick for a moment. A feeling he hated and as quickly as possible shoved away.

Judar heard how bare feet padded through the room and then rummaging and rustling until the feet padded back. He tensed up sharply, as Sinbad got closer, almost held his breath, until another sheet landed on his side and the king crawled back into bed, yawning.

"I hope you can sleep better. If you are still cold, over there should be another set of bed sheets." Sinbad waved his hand in the general direction before closing his eyes. A few moments later, quiet snoring was heard from him.

Slowly, the magi pulled the two sheets over each other and lied back down on the mattress. Sleep was still far from his mind, but at least he had calmed down. And the truth was, he also wanted to avoid another nightmare.

Judar pulled the sheets up until they were half over his face and he slowly closed his eyes.

I wish it would stop, he thought, knowing that if it really would be that easy, he also would have already forgotten everything that had happened. Simply everything.

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Sindria was beautiful, Judar thought. He felt the strong breeze of the sea on his face, smelled the gentle scent of the ocean and something that reminded him of flowers and the sun. He leaned forward a bit, hearing a small click when the blue necklace clanged lightly against his golden choker.

His arms rested on the windowsill and his ruby eyes wandered over the landscape before him. Judar wished he could wander around. He wanted to leave the castle, stroll around the streets, look at everything he could find and didn't see before. He wanted to eat something from a few shops and walk into the woods of Sindria.

Judar wanted to watch people, listen to them talking and to just for once, leave the damn palace. He had been here for almost a month now and he started to secretly hate it. It wasn't like him to just stay in one and the same place the whole time, not going anywhere.

Sure, there were more than enough places in the castle he still hadn't discovered, but with all these people around who didn't trust him one bit, he for once tried to be careful. After all, he had the hope that if he behaved and everyone trusted him, he would be able to get rid of this necklace, no matter how much it itched him to play even the smallest of pranks.

Judar sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt slightly bored. Sinbad was in a meeting with his generals – which he couldn't partake in, since everyone didn't trust him.

That left Judar practically all alone, aside from a few guards who kept a close eye on him. The raven opened his eyes again, looking over the country towards the glistening, blue ocean. The sun was warm on his skin, almost feeling like a light blanket of gentle, comfortable heat.

Judar pulled himself up on the windowsill and outside to a small roof overhang underneath, just big enough for him. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. Folding his hands behind his head, Judar began to doze away slightly, jolting awake when he heard the big double doors of the meeting room open.

"It is good to know we really can leave everything to Reim." That was Ja'fars voice. Judar would recognize him anywhere.

"Yeah." That was Sinbad and it was clear in his voice that he smiled. Judar could practically see his face in front of him. Then there was silence for a moment.

"Where is Judar? Did he go somewhere?" For a second, Judar felt stupid and angry. Did it really seem like he had nothing to do at all? Well, not like that wasn't true…he sank a bit deeper in his spot, suddenly feeling sullen. He felt the frown on his face as anger slightly seethed in him.

This wasn't what he wanted…well, it certainly was better than other things that could have happened...but it wasn't...enough. Judar actually wanted to DO something. He wanted to go out, to walk around the country until he felt like he had seen everything. He wanted to feel the Rukh again, fight a bit against Sinbad just for the heck of it, and he wanted to fly around. Judar would never admit it, but he dearly missed his flying carpet. Not as much as his magic, but he missed the feeling of freedom he had in the air. A quiet, almost grumbled sigh escaped him, before a shadow fell over him.

Startled, Judar looked up, just to see Sinbad smiling at him.

"Hey Judar, what do you think of going into the city?" At that, the raven almost sat up eagerly. He really wanted to go, but he didn't want to give the king that impression. Instead, he shrugged and stood up.

"Fine. It's not like I have anything else to do." Bitter, but true. For a moment, it seemed like Sinbad's smile wavered, until he stepped aside and Judar climbed back inside. He was met with the wary stares of Ja'far, Sharrkan and Yamuraiha, who watched him closely. He really had his work cut out for him…

It was actually the first time in his life that Judar wanted to work hard so that people liked him. The earlier he can manage that, the earlier he will get rid of the necklace.

Judar followed Sinbad, his generals, and a few guards outside and through the castle gates. Once he was outside of the high stonewalls…it almost felt like the air changed. Like breathing became easier. His steps sounded lighter to his ears and his thick braid seemed to practically bounce from side to side. And he certainly felt how his smile widened. He was feeling happier than earlier. Far happier, even though he was practically being escorted. Well, Sinbad was too. The king smiled happily and greeted people on the way, whenever the citizens stopped to pay attention to their king – what they all did.

Judar barely cared about that. He was far too busy looking at all the buildings and everything he never was able to lay is eyes upon. He took in how the houses were made, the path beneath his feet, the clothes of the people, their facial expressions, and all the scents in the air.

He saw a lot of flowers and so many different people like never before. He smelled the food from restaurants, the paint when they passed an artist and he saw all the things citizens sold in their shops, from small merchandise to souvenirs and every day things. He saw the fields they passed and almost couldn't tear his eyes away from the fruits on the market. Judar missed his fruits dearly. There were quite a few at Sinbad's castle too, but there was also far too much meat. The king as well as his generals quickly noticed that Judar hated anything that had meat in it, be it a fish or a steak. He never touched anything of that, only picking out the vegetables and fruits. This led to Masrur taking his share of food – not that the fanalis minded when Judar offered him his plate.

Said fanalis was nowhere around right now, which actually surprised Judar a bit. He usually was everywhere where his king was.

Then the strong scent of the ocean filled the air and Judar realized that they had arrived at Sindria's port. Quickly, he looked around, at the ships, workers, and all the crates that held something. Of what, he didn't know, but a part of him was curious.

"Judar?" The raven looked over his shoulder when he heard Sinbad's voice. "We have some business here for a while. If you want to, you can take a look around the city. Just be back here before sunset or you could go back to the castle." Go back to the palace? No way in hell! Not so soon.

Judar simply nodded, without missing that Ja'far looked anything but approving and Yamuraiha seemed quite doubtful. And Sharrkan…well, that guy was busy flirting with a woman right now, but he also gave Judar a short but very sharp look. No, aside from Sinbad, no one seemed to remotely like or trust him. Just great.

Judar walked away from the group without looking back. It wasn't like their constant mistrust hurt him, but he worried a bit that they would never believe that he was on their side now. Well, it's not like he couldn't understand that…he himself wouldn't react any different.

For a moment, the raven missed his friends…or rather, they were more like…family maybe, and he quickly shook that thought off. The less he thought about it, the less he would quietly worry – not that he would ever admit that. But what worried him the most was Hakuryuu. He wished he could know what had happened to the prince. Had Kouen been able to get him back?

Judar sighed, before clearing his mind and concentrating on where he was, here and now. With his smile back in place, he practically bounded into the city, ready to rove through the streets and poke his nose into everything and look everywhere – if allowed to or not, it wasn't like he truly cared.

Since the first time he had been sold, he felt somewhat free and definitely happy again. Also, he almost forgot about the blue necklace, choosing instead to enjoy himself. For once, he could just be who he wanted to be: a cheeky brat with no worries in the world. Oh yeah, he would have enough fun for a week! Especially since he was very sure that he wouldn't get out that often in the near future.

Judar stole a few fruits without being noticed and started his journey through Sindria.


	4. Chapter Three: Necklace

**Before I start with the usual warnings, I do wish to thank you for your reviews from the bottom of my heart. Reading them always gives me a surge of strength in writing so, thank you. Really, thank you.**

**Warnings: Possible OoC-ness, mentions of past abuse, yaoi in later chapters.  
**

**I hope you like the new chapter, even enjoyed reading it and that I managed to (hopefully) erase all the mistakes.**

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Well…this didn't go quite as he had planned. Judar looked around, but saw nothing except for a thick jungle. He had just followed a few people, curious what they would do and ended up in…nowhere. Yes, this was definitely where he was now, somewhere in nowhere.

Sighing, Judar turned around and headed back. He might not know where he was now, but he remembered vaguely how to get back. It was really annoying that he couldn't fly anymore. Then he could just take off into the sky and see all of Sindria. He actually liked the view from up there, from the rare times he visited Sindria and still had his powers.

The island seemed far smaller than it actually was.

Judar looked up into the sky and noticed that the sun started to set. Damn. Hopefully he made it back in time. Maybe then he would get a new ounce of trust from the others. As he had said, the earlier they trusted him, the earlier he would get rid of the necklace. He wanted his powers back so badly, it hurt.

Judar watched as a few black Rukh passed him and flew around his shoulders as if trying to pass the invisible barrier that separated them. He was very sure that they were chirping at him, trying to tell him something he could no longer hear. The Magi had stopped walking, choosing instead to watch the Rukh. The dark Rukh that was here, was actually his own. On this island, there is no one unhappy and that fact alone baffled the raven quite a bit.

Ruby eyes followed the movements of the small birds. Could he get white Rukh too? Like the others? Judar didn't know. As far as he could remember, his Rukh has always been like this. Black as his clothes and as dark as a moonless night sky. Always there. Even as a child, when he felt like he was alone and that no one understood him, when he believed that no one cared enough to stop his personal nightmares, they had been there. Their voices had often lulled him to sleep and promised to watch over him when he rested. He missed that. They were his companions and the only ones he trusted truly and fully. They never disappointed him or betrayed him.

Judar stretched out a hand, trying to touch the Rukh, but it seemed like there was a forced distance between them. They flew in his direction, but never closer, which looked odd in its own way. And the more Judar tried to reach out to them, the more he seemed to push them away.

Slowly, heavily, he let his arm sink back to his side, standing quietly in the middle of the jungle. Anger welled up in him. Hot, seething, blinding and choking, making all his thoughts disappear, his insides felt as if heated poison was wrecking every cell in his body. He balled his hands to fists, gritting his teeth and unable to form one coherent thought. Why? He didn't understand! Why him? Why always him?! Wasn't it bad enough that he had to suffer almost his whole life? Wasn't it bad enough that he was practically a prisoner here? WHY did they have to take his powers away!?

He didn't understand and he also didn't want to. He just wanted them back. Now.

In a fit of rage, almost helpless rage, Judar grabbed the necklace, gasping when pain shot through his body. And for the first time, he didn't let go. He held on. His knees buckled underneath him, sweat started to roll down his face and he felt his arms nearly go numb and weak with the pulsing, biting pain. However, he didn't let go.

Instead, he grit his teeth, curled his hands further around the cold metal, gasping stronger when it seemed like the air vanished out of his lungs with every breath instead of being replenished. His vision started to blur heavily when he tried to pull on the cursed thing. Black spots danced in front of his eyes and his chest hurt more with every second, making the almost electrifying pain in his veins even stronger. It became unbearable, but he found himself unable to let go. His vision blurred even further, until his hands were suddenly yanked away.

It was as if every ounce of strength had left his body that very second. Breathing dangerously fast, Judar collapsed, being caught before his face could greet the earth. His chest ached horribly and his ears were ringing. Everything hurt and he almost didn't realize that he was shaking. His whole body was trembling strongly and cold sweat made his clothes and hair cling to him.

Vaguely, he felt the large hands that had caught him and just as fear started to eat away at his heart and mind, his powerless body was pulled upright. Surprised, he came face to face with Masrur. The Fanalis watched him closely, crouched down, as he held the Magi up by his shoulders.

"Are you alright?" The question was quiet and his voice sounded a bit deeper than usual. Slowly, Judar managed to get his breathing back under control, his lungs still aching and burning. No, he was not okay. Not at all. Still, he nodded, forcing his shaking arms and legs to support him. They did, thankfully, even though it was barely enough to keep him upright.

He is still angry. Although this time, he is angry with himself that he did something so stupid that had made him so weak. He hated it, that Masrur was the one who had found him. But then again, no one would have been good in that moment. Not even Koumei, who often understood when Judar just wanted a bit of silent company, someone who just let him be there without asking annoying questions. Koumei always went along with his business, simply allowing Judar to just sit around, nosing through his papers disinterestedly. Kouen mostly only gave him a glance, looking him once over and returned to his paper scrolls, practically forgetting that Judar was even there, as long as he stayed silent.

Kouha and Kougyoku never shut up, when he was in an odd mood and just wanted to be quiet. Granted, these times were very, extremely rare, but they were mostly spent with Koumei – who often fell asleep. Or on occasion with Kouen.

He missed them…and he wished that Masrur would just go and leave. The gaze of the Fanalis seemed to practically go through him. He felt as if the redhead saw everything he wanted to hide. Judar hated it. He hated it when people made him feel like this. To his surprise, Masrur let him go and stood quietly beside him for a moment.

"Sinbad is looking for you. Do you want me to take you back?" That was an even bigger surprise. Was he actually asked for his opinion? For a moment, Judar felt dumbfounded. Then he nodded.

"Take me back." He felt far too shaky to stroll around much longer and for the first time in a long while, he longed for sleep. Judar just wanted to rest and to forget the horrible feelings the necklace had forced through him. It only happened when he tried to take it off. It was almost as if it knew what he had in mind. What he thought.

Masrur nodded quietly and started to walk. Judar followed him and was surprised when he noticed that the Fanalis adjusted his walking speed to his. And Judar was anything but fast at the moment. His body still tingled from the pain, but at least his hearing and his sight were back to normal. He still felt somewhat disgusted with himself, for letting the Fanalis see that kind of weakness. He couldn't allow it. No one was supposed to see him like this. In the past, it only brought him bad things.

He would never again touch the necklace that long. Maybe he would be able to somehow break it open without getting into contact with it? That was something he should maybe try out. Probably when Sinbad had another meeting with the generals, when he would be left alone. Judar was very sure that he would manage to escape the guards. That was something he had always done in Kou – something he is good at. He couldn't stand the thought of keeping the necklace any longer. It was awful. To hell with his plan of making others trust him, after this experience, he just wanted it to be over and done with.

It was silent between them while Masrur led them back. Soon, they left the jungle and reached the outskirts of Sindria. The palace of the High King of the Seven Seas was on the highest point of the city. It never seemed like a looming presence, but more like…something that protected Sindria.

Judar also had to admit, that he never truly felt suffocated in that castle. Not when there were those wide and big windows and all that sunshine. However, it is still was like a gigantic, golden cage. He is supposed to be free, without truly being it. It was like reaching out to the sky. At times it seemed like his hands would just touch the clouds, but in reality they never would.

Judar looked around, trying to distract himself from his thoughts. Especially from his thoughts about his powers. That always managed to make him angry – angry at himself, at Al-Tharmen, at Sinbad, at Kou…at everyone. He just wanted the necklace to be gone. He wanted things to go back to normal and he wanted to move about freely.

Judar missed how Masrur kept an eye on him and his partly unsteady steps, ready to catch him anytime. He also missed how the Fanalis noticed the almost dark look in his ruby eyes. Masrur knew that look. It was the expression of someone who was chained down. And he knew that chains didn't always have to be real shackles, but until Judar is proved to be trustworthy, there is nothing that can be done about it.

Masrur still planned on telling Sinbad what he had seen today. How the necklace affected Judar. The obvious pain he had been in...and this sort of bitter darkness that had followed. It wasn't like he truly trusted the Magi, but he trusted his king, his friend. And he trusted what he saw.

They soon reached the castle, being greeted by Sinbad and Spartos, who had been talking to some guards.

Judar excused himself rudely and returned to his and Sinbad's rooms – sharing with the High King was a fact that he isn't too happy about – and almost fell head first into the bed. He was tired…so very tired of everything.

Judar closed his eyes, burying his head into the thick pillow. He just wanted to sleep without nightmares for once and pretend that everything is okay.

That is a wish he had often whispered in his thoughts, without it ever being granted. No matter how desperate he had been, how much he had put his heart into it. It seemed like it was impossible. Whatever he wanted to stop…somehow the gods didn't want to grant him that.

The Rukh that were flying around him, trying to reach him without succeeding, without him noticing, seemed to darken even more, turning the darkest of black.


	5. Chapter Four: Trust

**I have to apologize for the long wait. With all the things going on, I often lose track of time and days pass by until I realize: Holy fuckin' damn, I haven't updated. So, in all formality, I am sorry. I vow to try to better myself in those regards.**

**And once again, I thank you for your reviews from the bottom of my heart. I read all of them and I always smile, they totally make my day! If you want me to answer to your reviews, you only have to tell me so.**

**Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-Ness, Yaoi in later chapters.**

**I hope very much that you will like this chapter and that you enjoy reading it. I very much enjoyed writing it.**

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Sinbad sighed heavily while he leaned back in his chair. A goblet of wine sat in front of him, almost empty. The High King was alone at the moment, his generals long gone to sleep or to whatever nightly activities they chose to do.

He himself knew it was time to go to bed, since there wasn't a party to celebrate, no more documents to go over and also no more things to worry or think about right now. Except for one. Judar. Sinbad touched his chin, absentmindedly rubbing over it. He remembered what Masrur had told him after the Fanalis had returned with the Magi.

He had told him that the necklace hurt Judar when he touched it or tried to take it off. Sinbad had discussed this matter with his generals. They made it clear that they trusted his judgment, just not Judar. They are worried that the Magi would betray them, that Kou would take him back and the former empire would somehow, someday rise back to its old glory. Or just for fun for war and fighting.

That also was a thought that Sinbad had had, but somehow he didn't believe that. There had been something about Judar…and there still is. Something that worried him a bit. For example, the nightmares. At first, the king had thought they could possibly be about the war, but then he once heard Judar quietly beg in his sleep, sounding so young and defenseless. And when he had tried to wake the raven, Judar had been flinching away from his touch, looking close to fragile. No, there clearly is something that isn't quite right and it worried Sinbad.

He never talked about it since it seemed like it was extremely personal to Judar, but he still wondered, kept an eye on the Magi. Another sigh escaped him and Sinbad stood up. No matter how much he thought about it now, he couldn't change anything. The necklace had to stay on for now, as much as Sinbad disliked it. And he would find a way to end this soon, that, he promised himself quietly.

His steps were clear on the cold stone as Sinbad walked down the floor towards his personal quarters. When he arrived and closed the door of his bedroom behind him, he heard a small, mysterious sound.

Immediately, all his senses were sharp and the warrior inside of him came forth. Years of training and fighting, of surviving, surfaced as he walked deeper into his room, only to realize where the sound came from.

Judar.

As fast as he had been battle ready, Sinbad relaxed back into his careless self. Until he heard the small sound again. Looking closer, he saw how the Magi had drawn his eyebrows together in clear distress. Judar's whole body was tense on the bed and his hands were digging harshly into the mattress.

"Judar?" Sinbad's voice was quiet and soft as he didn't want to startle the magi out of his sleep. And instead of waking up, Judar's behavior changed for the worse. He seemed to cringe into himself, unconsciously trying to get away from Sinbad. Worry bubbled up in the king when he saw something akin to fear on the raven's face.

Slowly, carefully, he knelt down beside the bed and stretched out a hand, gently touching Judar's shoulder. The harsh jolt from the Magi startled him, until he grabbed the shoulder more firmly, actually drawing another small sound from Judar. It wasn't really a whimper, but it made him sound…it was almost as if he tried to make something stop.

"Judar!" With a sudden motion, the Magi sat up abruptly, his eyes wide and his breathing harsh. Then he looked to the side and his first reaction was to flinch away from Sinbad. The High King let his hand slip from the other's shoulder and remained carefully still. Worry ate at his heart and for a moment, the king wished for nothing more, but to draw Judar into his arms to keep the nightmares away. Still, he knew better than that. But more than that, he wished he knew what had happened so he could help the Magi.

"Judar, take a deep breath." Sinbad kept his voice quiet and calming. Slowly, Judar inhaled deeply, almost shakily and his tense shoulders dropped a bit.

"Sinbad." He sounded hoarse and avoided looking at him, without truly letting him out of his field of vision. Sinbad slowly stood up and fetched a goblet of water from his nightstand, bringing it to Judar.

"Better?" He asked gently when the raven drank a bit – actually it was probably just a few drops for pretense – and set the goblet aside again.

"Yeah…" Judar looked up, his brows furrowed. "Why?" He asked after a moment of silence. Sinbad blinked, confused.

"Why, what?"

"Why are you kind to me? You are the only one who wants me here. Then again, what kind of choice do I have." A bitter laugh erupted from the raven as he tugged slightly on the necklace, wincing as pain flared up. Sinbad was a bit taken aback, until he realized what made Judar say those words.

The Magi didn't only look tired, but also quite shaken up. Sinbad could only vaguely guess what it had to feel like to be completely cut off from something that had been natural to you from the second you were born. It must be as if a part of oneself is missing.

Sighing, he kneeled down in front of Judar again. Judar stared at him in confusion for a moment. He wasn't used to royal people lowering themselves so that they had to look up to him. Usually, it was always the Magi who had to look up at his former emperor and from a humiliating position on top of that. And what surprised him just as much were Sinbad's eyes, honest and full of understanding feelings. The older, larger man just accepted him. Accepted his anger and his bad temper, as well as everything else his nightmares included.

"I cannot promise that I will take off your necklace very soon. Nevertheless, know one thing Judar, I WILL take it off. And if there truly is something you don't want to do at all, something that makes you uncomfortable or something you hate, you can always tell me. I will do anything I can to make this place your home." Sinbad carefully placed a hand on Judar's knee, feeling him shift slightly and immediately taking his hand away again.

Sinbad knew there was more going on than Judar let on, especially when it concerned his nightmares. Sinbad was determined to get the Magi's trust. And for that, he knew he had to show the raven beforehand that he trusted him in return, that it was safe to trust.

"But I cannot do that if you don't tell me what is wrong or what is good. Sindria is your home now. I want you to feel that you are safe here and that you can return here and be yourself. No matter what it is that scares you-" Sinbad ignored Judar's almost forced, harsh snort and continued. "-I want you to be here and relax. A home is about feeling safe, warm, and welcome." Judar snorted again, this time without making it seem as if he tried to protect his pride.

"I am not very welcomed at all." Sinbad smiled slightly.

"They need time to warm up to you. I can tell you try in your own way. Give them a bit of time." Judar knew time was all they needed, but had he the time? His nightmares seemed to grow more ferocious and this one had just started to turn really bad when he had woken up because of the king.

Judar knew he was losing sleep and he actually dreaded going back to sleep. He even once tried to force his nightmares away with alcohol. It was something he would never try again. It had been horribly awful, since his drunken mind had been unable to wake up at all and the next morning he also had a horrendous headache on top of it.

"Judar, I know something is wrong. Can you tell me what it is? Maybe I can help you." Help? For that, it was far too late. Furthermore…Judar had never told anyone up until now, and he never will. Such a dark and heavy secret…it was his secret. It was eating him up, he was aware of that, but…no, he just couldn't. Judar looked away and Sinbad saw something indescribable flitter across the raven's face.

"Judar…you know I trust you, right?" At that, Judar's head practically snapped back. He knew Sinbad didn't see him as someone dangerous, but trust? Yeah, maybe, but surely not as much as he trusted his loyal generals, right?

"I trust you, because you gave me your word, because you are Sindria's Magi." Sinbad took Judar's hands in his, placing them on his cheeks and even though he felt the raven twitch and tense slightly, he didn't let go. He held the pale hands gently so that Judar could pull them away any moment he chose to.

Then he slid them down, so that they lay lightly around his tanned throat. Judar's ruby eyes widened and he froze up when he felt the king's calm pulse underneath his fingertips.

"Wha-" He stopped when Sinbad looked at him with a serious expression. The king let his own hands sink down, Judar's still limply around his neck, almost as if they were afraid to move.

"I trust you." Each simple word spoke of nothing but the truth.

A shudder went through Judar, who slowly, carefully let his hands slip from Sinbad's throat, just to find them back in the grasp of the king.

"It's okay, Judar." For a long second, the Magi didn't know what Sinbad meant, but he understood when his fingertips were gingerly placed back against a warm neck for a short moment. "Do you understand?" Yes. Judar understood perfectly well that Sinbad truly DID trust him. He just didn't know what to make of this feeling that erupted inside of him.

It made him want to laugh or cry or just do SOMETHING all together. For a second, his hands trembled while he fought the urge to just for once, let go. To just for once let himself truly feel safe, trust someone to keep him safe, protect him and not to hurt him. Another tremble came over him and he swallowed heavily. He just…no, he couldn't…

Sinbad, who saw his inner turmoil, slowly leaned up until their foreheads touched. Judar, whose eyes went wide for a moment shook stronger, until he practically collapsed against the High King, his head on one strong shoulder. Sinbad let go of Judar's hands, which were now laying limply against his chest. He felt the warm breath of the Magi against the skin of his neck, but he held perfectly still. Sinbad clearly felt that this is a very delicate moment. He was threading on eggshells, so to speak.

After a moment, he felt Judar take in a shuddering breath, his hands trembling almost unnoticeably.

"Sinbad…you…" Judar didn't know what to say. That Sinbad shouldn't trust him? That was a lie. Judar had decided to become his Magi and that meant…yeah, the king could trust him. He had given his word to never harm Sindria or its people…he would stick to it.

But then, what could he say? He didn't know. He just didn't know. Judar closed his eyes, feeling torn apart inside. Oh how much he wished, longed for his beloved Rukh in this moment. Their presence always made it so easy to make a decision. Judar swallowed again, tried to rid himself of the dry feeling in his mouth. He froze up in surprise when he felt a gentle hand on his head. A warm, big, calloused hand.

"It's okay. Tell me what you want to when you are ready." How could one person be this understanding? Judar almost thought that a human like Sinbad couldn't exist. But then again, wasn't the High King of the Seven Seas a singularity? Still…just how much kindness did this man have?

The raven nodded against the warm shoulder and slowly drew back, meeting Sinbad's golden eyes. He was once again surprised when he saw the acceptance in them. He really had all the time he wanted…he really could learn to truly, doubtlessly trust.

Suddenly, Judar felt as if by choosing to become Sinbad's Magi, that he had made the best decision in his life. Slowly, the last remnants of tension drained from him and he relaxed for the first time completely in the presence of the High King. His High King. Yes, he felt like Sinbad could be that…someday, maybe not even that far in the future. His one and true king.

For the first time in his life, he felt lighter…somewhat…odd but kind of wrapped up in something very comfortable. Only then was it that he realized, that he started to feel safer. That his trust had just grown a fraction wider.

And for the first time since Al-Tharmen had kidnapped him from his parents as a babe, was his Rukh getting just a tad bit brighter. And, unknown and unnoticed by the two males, a tiny, fractional Rukh separated itself from the black swarm and it's small, thin wings turned almost white. It flew closer, closing in on Judar's head, but trying in vain to reach him, to touch him.

Still, one thing stayed unchanged. With trust, came hope.


	6. Chapter Five: Change

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**Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters.**

**I hope you enjoy the new chapter and that I managed to keep the mistakes at a minimum. I will continue to do my best with this story!**

* * *

Judar woke up, feeling cold sweat clinging to his forehead, sticking his dark bangs to his temples. His breathing was heavy, but quiet as he stared up at the dark ceiling with wide eyes. His whole body was pressed flat into the mattress, almost as if he had wanted to vanish into it.

Judar tried to take a deep breath and succeeded after a few shuddering tries. His eyes were still wide open. He was afraid to close them. It was almost as if he could taste his nightmare on the tip of his tongue, like a scream that got stuck in his throat. Judar just KNEW that it waited for him. Silently, in the darkness of his sleep. No, he couldn't go back to it. Not now at least.

Judar looked to the side and saw Sinbad's peacefully sleeping face. The High King was resting on one of his arms, slightly propped up and…yeah, naked again. Judar felt close to rolling his eyes and would have if it wasn't for the almost gentle tremble in his body. His hands were shaking when he brushed his bangs and sweat away.

His eyes felt heavy with exhaustion, but his mind was wide awake and the fright, the fear, still clung to his limbs. It was only then that Judar realized that he had no blankets on him anymore. Looking around slightly, he saw them almost falling off the bed. He probably had been throwing them off himself in a desperate attempt to escape something that only existed in his mind.

That he hadn't woken up Sinbad was a small miracle…or it had been a quiet, slow process. He knew that he sometimes during nightmares moved very little and that his whole body ached with tension the next morning.

And right now, he felt the strain in his arms and legs from fighting something off that was nothing more than dark, painful memories. Judar also felt like throwing up. He felt terribly sick. If this went on, he wouldn't only continue to lose sleep, but also weight. His appetite had started to grow almost nonexistent anyway. He only ate so that he wouldn't worry people. Not that anyone really worried about him…

No, that wasn't quite right. Sinbad cared and…not only him anymore. Judar felt that Masrur started to accept him, as well as the other generals. And Yamuraiha had actually greeted him by inclining her head ever so slightly the other day.

And he had to say, since that one time he had sat beside the giant Hinahoho, during breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a whole day, he had gotten to know the blue haired man a bit and Hinahoho him. The huge general even gave him a small smile since then.

It was still a bit reluctant, but he was being accepted by everyone. It was a fact that still baffled him even right now. They actually started to trust him…he never thought that that would happen, to say the truth.

Sighing, Judar grabbed his discarded blankets and pulled them over himself, only to push them off his frame again. It was far too hot for him right now to lay in bed with them. Judar rubbed over his eyes, feeling them itch slightly. He wished he would be able to sleep, but there was just no way…

He really was scared to go back to sleep…he didn't want to see it again, to feel those hands on him again even though that disgusting emperor is not even around anymore. Why…why did that pig steal his dreams and his rest from him? Couldn't he just leave him alone?!

Judar gritted his teeth and pressed a hand against his forehead. Then he breathed in deeply and looked out of the window. Slight relief coursed through him when he saw the gentle coloring of the sky. The sun would be up soon. That was good. That meant that he had slept longer than usual. Still, he felt tired, drained.

Slowly, Judar sat up, brushing a hand through his bangs. He didn't even feel remotely well enough to even think about mischievous plans. He didn't even feel like he had the strength to escape his guards today – Sinbad had another meeting and they always were supposed to keep an eye on him when the king wasn't around. At least, that was how he felt at the moment. Judar knew that his feelings could change through the day and he hoped that this was the case today.

Judar sat on the mattress, blankly staring out of the window. Then he saw the small birds of black Rukh. They were all his…in this country, there wasn't even one person with dark Rukh. He was the only exception. It wasn't like Judar minded. Especially not since his powers were sealed off anyway.

Looking down onto the blue necklace, Judar swore for that short moment to never again wear blue jewelry. He came to hate this cursed necklace more and more, day by day, and hour by hour.

And with his hate, grew his envy. Envy towards Yamuraiha, who could use her magic freely, envy towards Sinbad, who could do whatever the hell he wanted. And lastly, envy towards anyone who wasn't tied down in any way.

Because, no matter how many times Sinbad had told him he was free…he wasn't. He couldn't go anywhere, he couldn't escape to anywhere and he couldn't move or travel around as he wished. Inside the castle walls…well, there were no boundaries, as long as he kept out of the personal rooms of the generals and guards. Aside from that, he could go anywhere he wanted to be in the palace. Even though it was the palace only.

Once, Yamuraiha had seen him in the library, sitting in a circle of scrolls and books about Sindria, reading them. She had taken what she came for and left again. That had actually surprised Judar. He had thought that she would throw him out, telling him he wasn't allowed to 'sniff around'.

It still wasn't the same. It wasn't the same as flying and not the same as traveling. He missed toying and experimenting with his magic, he missed floating around and feeling the freedom the Rukh granted him.

Furthermore, Judar started to wish more and more, that he could see his friends again. To at least hear from them. And depressingly, they probably didn't even know that he was in Sindria. He was also worried about Hakuryuu. What had happened to the prince? Sometimes, Judar thought about asking Sinbad, but somehow…he felt like he would be exposing himself if he did that. And if there was something Judar had enough of, it was exposing himself in any way. Even though he couldn't completely avoid that, in his opinion, he had done a decent job up until now.

Looking back out of the window, the Magi realized that the sun had risen up farther, and that gentle morning light fell into the room and over Sindria. A part of him wanted to get up, to leave the room and find a place he wanted to stay in for a bit. Maybe he would even sneak into the kitchen and smuggle out a few fruits when there was a chance to.

But he didn't move. Somehow, he couldn't find the enthusiasm and neither the strength for that. His mind felt a bit like it was stuck in mud, felt as if everything worked slowly.

The sun rose even higher, almost blinding him with light when Sinbad started to stir. Judar heard how the king turned around, paused, and then sat up. He also could imagine Sinbad stretching.

"Good morning, Judar." Judar nodded, leaning back slightly. Ah, so it was definitely one of these days. One of the very rare days he usually spent at Koumei's side as soon as the prince was up. Koumei somehow knew how to handle this mood of his without annoying him in the process.

Judar decided in that moment that he would disappear for today. Maybe if he felt up for leaving this room, he would stroll around the castle and make it his mission to never be seen by anyone. And that was quite a feat. Judar had to admit that not even in the castle of the Kou Empire, did he have so much trouble sneaking around unnoticed.

Then again, if he wanted to be alone, he always grabbed his flying carpet and just left, leaving those Al-Tharmen bastards to search for him all over the place, before they realized he was gone. That actually had always been fun…causing them trouble. He also somewhat missed causing trouble for someone and to behave as if he didn't have a care in the world.

Yet, there was something that clearly hindered him. The necklace. It almost felt like a huge thorn inside of him, digging deeper and deeper, drawing blood. He really had to get rid of it soon…

Judar was so deep in thought, he didn't hear Sinbad, who had already gotten dressed and tried to talk to him. Sinbad, who saw the somewhat distant, thoughtful look in those ruby eyes, slightly shook his head and decided that he would leave the younger one alone. If Judar wanted to find him, he just had to ask a guard. Someone always knew where he was.

Quietly, the king closed the door behind him and went to his meeting. Hopefully, everyone was in a good mood and had a good night's rest. Nothing was better than to start a day refreshed.

Judar, meanwhile, sat still until his stomach grumbled and he decided that he would go and see if he could take a few things out of the kitchen. Quietly, the Magi snuck through the door and went down the floor. No guards. Well, today seemed to be his lucky day. Judar didn't go out of his way to avoid being seen, but he always made it into some kind of game to see how long it took someone to notice him or to realize that he had disappeared.

Judar managed to reach the kitchen without being noticed and snuck in, taking a whole plate of food. With or without any magical powers, he knew exactly how to get what he wanted. His mood lightened up shortly for a moment when he ate his first apple. Somehow, today he felt…odd. Like, somehow, things didn't matter as much as before. And with that sudden thought, everything seemed to become dull. It was as if his life had lost its appeal. It was a feeling that made him sick deep down.

Suddenly, Judar stopped dead in his tracks as a thought came up in him. No one was looking for him right now. No one would care if he went somewhere in this castle where no one would find or bother him too soon.

He could try to take his necklace off again, but he had to be careful…this time he had to go about it differently. Maybe he could search a few rooms for a bit and borrow a few things without asking. That sounded like a plan, a damn good plan.

Straightening, and with more fire in his eyes, Judar took another bite of his fruit as he ventured up a set of stairs. It was time he did something about this ugly, blue jewelry. He couldn't wait patiently anymore for the generals to trust him enough. He wanted, needed to be free again and he had to get his freedom now.

It soul-crushingly killed him to be this vulnerable and cut off from the one part that was his whole existence. He was a Magi, a magician, he was loved by the Rukh. Without all that he was lost, he was no one. He wanted back who he was. He wanted to be himself again.

* * *

Sinbad gave his generals a smile. They returned it and he nodded before they all stood up. The king was more than happy with the results of the end of this meeting. Everyone had agreed to take Judar's necklace off, even though there was a condition to that. Sinbad had to keep the necklace around in case something happened.

The High King felt like humming when he left the huge room and ventured down the corridor with his generals at his side. One by one, they excused themselves, returning to their work. Sharrkan was the first to go together with Spartos, both wanting to train with each other. Hinahoho shortly left after that, searching for his family. Yamuraiha returned to her magic studies and Pisti skipped off when she saw a friend of hers. Drakon stayed with them until they reached the stairs and a guard approached him, telling him his wife wanted to see him. The huge general waved them goodbye and hurried to his personal quarters.

Ja'far excused himself when they passed the library, saying he still had some work to do. So in the end, only Masrur and Sinbad were left. Since the Fanalis seemed content to accompany his king on his search for their Magi, Sinbad didn't say anything.

Sin often stopped and asked a passerby or guard if they had seen Judar. Everyone said no and shook their heads. Masrur watched as Sinbad grew a bit worried. They had always managed to find the Magi after asking around a bit, or rather, Judar quickly appeared.

Deciding to hurry things up, Masrur stopped and sniffed the air. Being a Fanalis really came in handy from time to time. He located Judar's scent quickly, since it was pretty unique in his opinion. After all, Masrur rarely met people that smelled like the wind and slightly like incense. It always reminded him of someone afloat and freely skipping around, planning mischief – it fit the Magi perfectly in his mind. Even though he had to admit, that in the beginning, there also had been an odd, indescribable smell, which had clung to Judar, slowly disappearing the longer he stayed in Sindria.

"This way." Masrur pointed down the corridor and Sinbad nodded. He had noticed that the redhead had started tracking down Judar and quickly, they started walking. Somewhere along the way, they had a bad feeling.

Very soon, they reached a part of the palace that was rarely used by anyone else other than Sinbad and his generals, mainly because here were the rooms with his collected treasures. What could the Magi want here?

Masrur suddenly straightened when he heard strained, loud gasps. It sounded as if someone was unable to breath. And he had heard those sounds before. Judar must have touched the necklace again.

"Sinbad." Sinbad looked up, alarmed when he heard the urgent undertone in the Fanalis' voice. Quickly, he followed the muscular man and when Masrur practically ripped open one of the doors to the many treasure rooms, the king understood why.

Judar knelt on the floor, his whole body shaking, almost convulsing, bending over and his hands were gripping something close to his neck. His ruby eyes were unfocused and he was panting for air, sounding like he was close to either suffocating or hyperventilation. A golden, odd shaped tool was lying beside his legs.

Sinbad rushed over to him, kneeling down and quickly grabbed Judar's arms, yanking them away in an attempt to see what was wrong. The moment his hands fell to his sides, the Magi collapsed against the king. His breathing was labored, alarmingly fast. When Sinbad gripped his shoulders, he felt how cold Judar's skin was. The raven was shaking and sweat covered his neck and back, making his matted hair stick to his face. He was even paler then usual, almost sickly so.

The necklace, he had gripped the necklace, Sinbad realized.

Quickly, he gathered Judar in his arms and stood up, careful with the suddenly somewhat frail body that was pressed against his. He looked over to Masrur who nodded, understanding without having to say something. Closing the door behind his king, the fanalis followed Sinbad to his personal rooms, fetching a bowl with cool water and setting it down beside the High King.

Judar slowly calmed down enough to stabilize his breathing again and even the shaking subsided more and more.

"Was he like that back then too, Masrur?" Sinbad's voice was quiet as he wiped sweat from Judar's face, the ghostly pale Magi seeming to shy a bit away from that contact, even though it was very weakly. The raven looked to be close to unconsciousness.

"Not that badly." Masrur answered quietly and went to the door. He knew that Judar trusted Sinbad the most and also that the raven probably would be uncomfortable with too many people around after this mishap.

"I'll wait outside." Sinbad looked up at him and nodded, expressing his gratitude with his eyes before returning his attention to Judar.


	7. Chapter Six: Removed

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**Warnings: mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters.**

**I know I suck at erasing all my mistakes, so if you see some that bother you, please tell me, since I seem to have a talent of over reading them when I proofread the chapter. But aside from that, I hope you enjoy this chapter! I wish you a great time while reading!**

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Judar felt like his body had been crushed by the Chibi-Magi's Djinn again. As if a heavy, painfully strong pressure had grabbed his body, practically smashing his bones and lungs. He felt cold and tired, his body too weak to really move. Still, he tried, groaning soundlessly when pain flared in his limbs.

His mouth felt dry, his tongue almost sticking to the roof of it. Slowly, he remembered what had happened.

He had found Sinbad's treasure rooms on pure accident, immediately digging around the various chests and shelves. And then he had seen that thing. It looked like a slim, strong hook. Long and thin enough to try to rip the necklace off without touching his throat in any way. It was worth a try.

What he hadn't expected was the pain that had flared in his body, so strongly, his hands had jerked and that the tool had slipped off. When he had tried again, he had tried to make it fast, thinking that if it hurt anyway, he would aid the whole process with his free hand. He had planned to rip the necklace off in a very strong and very fast movement.

He had failed.

Slowly balling his hands into fists, ignoring the sore feeling in his arms, Judar felt anger and bitterness well up inside of him. WHY? He was so, so sick of it! He – Judar froze when he heard quiet, but oh so nostalgic chirping. He knew that sound.

Ripping his eyes open, he quickly tried sitting up, only to have his arms give out under him right away. He stared ahead at the Rukh, he could hear them again. The black little birds fluttered around him, so close. He felt them touching his skin for tiny fragments of time, almost as if they were trying to push into his body to lend him their strength. They chirped and sang to him. Judar felt such an overwhelmingly strong relief and happiness welling up inside of him, that he felt hot, wet tears stinging his eyes.

But then he stilled. Why didn't he feel his magic in his own body? And…did that mean…quickly he looked down and his eyes widened when he saw that the blue, cursed, hated necklace was gone. He was free of it.

The sudden sound of quiet steps made him snap his head around. He saw Sinbad entering the room, balancing a plate with cut fruits on one of his hands. Then the High King turned around and upon seeing Judar awake, a relieved smile formed on his face. Hastily, Judar tried to suppress his tears, succeeding only partly, his sight still slightly blurry.

"How are you feeling?" Sinbad asked, quickly stepping towards the magi and setting the plate down. For a moment, Judar didn't know what to say, and then he opened his mouth and winced when he heard how rough his voice sounded, cracking slightly while speaking.

"The necklace…" Damn, he still had tears in his eyes! He only hoped that Sinbad wouldn't see them.

"I took it off. On today's meeting we decided to remove it from you." So he had pulled that dangerous stunt for nothing? It was almost a laughing matter, wouldn't it leave such a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Why…why don't I feel the Rukh?" Judar tried sitting up again, Sinbad quickly helping him. The raven didn't even feel uncomfortable with being touched for once.

"It will wear off soon. You had the necklace on for such a long time, it still must affect your body." Sinbad was about to offer Judar the plate with the food when he saw how the Magi's ruby eyes started to glisten.

"Damn!" Judar cursed, roughly lifting a shaking hand up to cover his face, but it didn't help much. Tears started to roll down his face, quickly being wiped away so that Sinbad hopefully wouldn't see too much of his weakness.

Carefully and slowly, the High King stretched his hand out, gently wiping a stray tear away. Judar froze up as Sinbad caressed his face, the larger man sitting down on the edge of the bed. His golden eyes were kind and understanding.

"It's okay." He murmured, slowly brushing black bangs away with the tips of his fingers. Sin wished he had known how much that necklace had affected Judar. It must have been really and truly bad if the Magi was crying now. The raven avoided his eyes, his trembling hand pushing slightly against Sinbad's.

"No…" Slowly, the king let his hand sink back to his side. Judar's ruby eyes were still suspiciously wet, but he clearly had his emotions somewhat back under control. His whole body was rigid and tense.

"Forget what you saw." The raven's voice was quiet and still a bit rough. Sinbad shook his head.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of." He said while reaching for a goblet that sat on the bedside table, offering it to Judar. The Magi took it, drinking the water with large gulps.

"Did I lose consciousness?" He asked after a moment. Sinbad nodded.

"Yes, but you weren't out for long. I took your necklace off then and went to fetch something for you to eat." Judar shot the fruits a short look, but found that the thought of eating made him feel nauseous.

Then all of a sudden, he felt the Rukh slowly flow into him. Perking up, Judar sighed without meaning to, closing his eyes halfway. He had missed this. Oh god, he had missed this so much!

It was so soothing. Without meaning to, another breathless sigh escaped him. The heavy wariness and lasting pain in his body, the exhaustion seemed to slowly drain away. Instead, he felt filled up with strength and life. Closing his eyes completely, he listened to the chirping of his Rukh, to them reflecting his own feelings of almost choking happiness. For a short moment, Judar felt like hugging Sinbad, simply because he felt so overwhelmingly glad and relieved, he barely could contain it. He opened his eyes again and looked to the High King.

Sinbad had a gentle smile on his face, his eyes filled with quiet happiness at seeing Judar truly relaxed and at ease. For a moment, they just silently looked at each other.

"Thanks." Judar's voice sounded deeply grateful and Sin slightly shook his head.

"There is no need for gratitude, Judar. After all, I promised you I would take it off, didn't I?" Sinbad's golden eyes seemed alive with a strong, gentle light. And this time, when he lifted a hand and softly brushed it through Judar's hair, the Magi didn't flinch from the contact. Instead, he felt safe, leaning a bit into it. He started to believe it. Started to truly believe, that Sinbad was a good person, that it was safe to be around him. He started to believe, that he could trust his words.

Carefully, even though his hand felt shaky, Judar rested his fingers over Sinbad's, gently feeling the warmth of his skin. With a slow, long breath he exhaled. Everything would be fine from now on.

* * *

Gasping, struggling for breath, his lungs aching, Judar jolted awake from his nightmare. He flinched, when he realized that Sinbad was looming over him, a worried and concerned look on his face. Judar slightly relaxed. It was Sinbad. Sinbad had proven himself to be safe.

"Judar?" Judar met the eyes of the High King. It was then that he realized that Sinbad was a bit too close for his liking. Sitting up, Judar forced Sinbad to lean back, coming to sit on his haunches, still kneeling on the mattress beside him.

"Judar, we need to talk about this." Sinbad's voice was gentle and quiet as soon as the Magi's breathing had returned to normal. Still, he noticed the shaking hands of the raven and the haunted, restless look in his ruby eyes.

"No, no we don't." As if he could talk about it! It made him sick just to think about it, how could he even voice it out? Judar shrunk away from Sinbad, pulling his sheets higher and wrapping himself in them, as though they could protect him from his memories.

"Yes, we do." Sinbad's voice was firm, but still gentle. He sat against the headboard without looking away from Judar. "You have nightmares and I see how they affect you." He lifted a hand, effectively cutting off his Magi. His eyes were serious and Judar swallowed slightly.

"You look tired and you pick more on your food than you eat. It got better for a few nights after you got your powers back, but now it seems just as bad as before." Sinbad was right. Judar had slept blissfully peaceful after his powers had returned, but then the whispering of the rukh hadn't been enough anymore. Slowly at first, and then with rapt speed, the voice of his nightmares had overpowered the small birds, swallowing their comforting chirping completely. Judar shook his head.

"I can't, Sinbad. I can't talk about it." His hands fisted in the sheets and he drew his knees up to his chest, a subconscious gesture of trying to protect himself and of trying to make himself smaller.

"Judar, please look at me." Reluctantly, the Magi lifted his head. Sinbad's eyes were as gentle as his voice, but still very serious with an underlying tone of worry. "I cannot help you, if you don't let me. So I ask you, not as your king, but as your friend, please at least try to talk to me." A first step would be a first step with more to follow. Judar swallowed, shaking his head.

A sudden thought came up in his mind. Would Sinbad find him disgusting, if he discovered his secret? Judar wouldn't blame him. He himself sometimes couldn't stand his own skin, feeling filthy and defiled, utterly disgusting. In those times, he always wished he could claw right out of his own body and just leave it all behind, as if it never happened.

"Judar?" Sinbad's soft voice drew him out of his dark thoughts and Judar slowly shook his head, suddenly feeling tired and drained.

"Alright." He was slightly surprised. Judar had thought that the High King would be far more persistent. "But you will eat more, alright? You can also take your meals up here, if that makes you more comfortable." Judar just nodded. What else could he do or say? He already knew that Sinbad would argue the whole night with him about that topic if necessary.

Silence settled between them, until Sinbad laid back down and put his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. He seemed somewhat deep in thought, his eyebrows slightly drawn together, and the look in his eyes absentminded.

Quietly, so not to disturb the king, Judar shifted until he was lying on his side, with his back turned to Sinbad. Staring out of the window, the Magi listened to the slow, steady breaths of the High King. Sleep was still far from his mind. He knew that his nightmares wouldn't leave him alone tonight and probably also the next nights. Judar didn't know what to do anymore. Whatever helped him calm down in the past wasn't working this time around and he hated it. After all, he wasn't even in the Kou Empire anymore – and probably would never be again, at least not as their Magi.

Slowly, he closed his eyes and exhaled a quiet, long breath, before he felt and heard Sinbad shift behind him. Freezing up, Judar felt a small touch on his shoulder. Carefully turning his head, he looked back to his king. Sinbad was looking seriously at him, a hand stretched out.

"Do you want to try something out?" Judar blinked in slight surprise. Try out what? He frowned slightly. What was going on in this idiot king's head?

"What?" Judar asked hesitantly. He wasn't sure if he would like the answer.

"Turn around." Sinbad's voice was quiet, but strong. The young Magi hesitated for a long moment, until he carefully moved to face the king. His body was tense and he couldn't help but feel uneasy. He…yes, he trusted Sinbad, but did he actually trust him enough to just do as he asked? Judar actually started to grow afraid of what he would want. No. Quickly, the Magi banned those thoughts from his head. Sinbad wouldn't do anything. He didn't before and he wouldn't now. Right?

Judar snapped out of his thoughts when the king stretched out both of his arms, slowly drawing the smaller male closer to him. It wasn't an embrace, just the barest resemblance of a hug. Swallowing, Judar found his head laying on one of Sinbad's arms. He was close enough to the king to feel his body heat and smell his scent. Still, they weren't touching anywhere else. Sin's free arm was draped over his own hip and the High King slowly closed his eyes.

"Better?" He asked quietly. Slowly, Judar exhaled and felt his body relaxing by the second as nothing else happened. Was this better? Was he alright with this? Taking a deep breath, the raven haired Magi closed his eyes. The soothing chirping of the Rukh was reaching his ears, easing him further. They may have been pitch-black, but they still reassured him. He was safe.

"This is fine." Judar answered after a few minutes of silence. He actually felt somewhat…tired again, but in a drained, worn out way. His eyelids started to feel heavy and his body relaxed further. Sleep was still far away from him; his mind was too awake to rest now, but it still…felt better than the past nights. He felt more unwound and eased.

Shifting a bit, Judar slightly curled into himself and into the radiating warmth of Sinbad. The next second, he heard quiet, relaxed breaths, almost snores from the High King. The idiot was asleep. Judar smiled dryly for a short moment, before he felt the smile turn into something…fond.

He would never tell Sinbad, but for the first time, he was glad to share a bed with the king. Why they still did it was actually kind of beyond him. The generals of Sindria started trusting him after all. But somehow…Judar hadn't addressed the matter of getting his own room and Sinbad hadn't either.

A part of Judar had been afraid – a childish fear in his mind, but it still was there – that he would find out that his life in Sindria would be nothing than a dream. He had been afraid to wake up in a dark room, in a bed with heavy, thick silken sheets and a heavy, disgusting body beside him. He was afraid to smell the odd scent of strong, dizzying incense and feel a thick, fleshy hand on his thigh, touching him even in his sleep.

Judar shuddered and before he realized it, he had shifted again, almost in direct contact with Sinbad's body now. He took a deep breath, smelling the scent of jasmine, the sun, and ocean around him. He smelt warmth and kindness. He was safe. As safe as he could be.

Carefully stretching his body out until he felt like a lazy cat, Judar pulled the bed sheets over his shoulder. Maybe he could dare to fall asleep a second time this night.


	8. Chapter Seven: Breakdown

**First of all, before I explain why it took me so long to get the new chapter out, I do wish to thank Frozen Peaches. She has helped me A GREAT deal with this story! Pointing things out I missed and helping me with getting new ideas. She is also my beta reader, so any, and I mean any credit for a mistake-free chapter goes to her. Thank you, Frozen Peaches, really, thank you!**

**And secondly, I am sorry that it took me so long to post the next chapter. But especially in the past two weeks there has been going on a lot, mainly in my work. It got really busy and it hasn't really calmed down nor do I see it calming down that fast in the next months. But I will get used to this new pace and everything and it will be easier for me to find time to write on this story and put it up. So, I am sorry and please have patience with me.**

**Warnings: Possible OoC-Ness, mention of past abuse, yaoi in later chapters.**

**And I apologize, but somehow the first paragraph was lost, I edited it - thanks Frozen Peaches for telling me. I hope that everything is fine now!**

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"We are going to celebrate!" Judar jumped in his seat, almost dropping his book when Sinbad suddenly bursts into the library, a big grin stretched upon his face. Trying to calm his wildly beating heart, Judar eyed the king carefully with his ruby orbs.

"What are we going to celebrate?" Judar finally managed to reply in a steady voice, resisting the urge to clutch his pounding chest. The last thing the raven haired Magi wanted to do was show any more weaknesses to this man. He hated feeling so vulnerable, so helpless, and not to mention embarrassed as well. He had already allowed too much vulnerability to be seen when he had let Sinbad sleep close to him the other night, but…whether he wanted to admit it or not, that HAD chased the nightmares away that night…

"The birthday of Hinahoho's sister!" Sinbad looked as though he expected Judar to jump up in joy about the news.

"I see…" Judar didn't really know what he was supposed to say. Really, he didn't. His only reference lay in his past with the Kou Empire. And back then, when he had been informed that a party was coming up, he usually tried to get away as fast as possible. When that pig of an emperor gets drunk…

All of a sudden, Judar felt like throwing up. He blanched as his throat felt tight, felt constricted, and his stomach was in knots. He had to think of something else quickly!

"So, what do you say? You will participate, right?" Sinbad looked at him with bright, expectant eyes, and Judar found himself hesitating to decline.

"Oh, come on!" The king was positively close to almost whining, even though it was clearly in a playful way. "It will be fun! And you and my generals are still a bit stiff around each other. It would be the perfect opportunity to get to know each other better!" Sinbad…was actually right about that…

Judar shrugged, trying to downplay his inner turmoil, to knock it down. "Fine. I don't see why not." But the truth was, Judar had plenty of reasons not to go…no, wait…did he really? This wasn't the Kou Empire. There was no one around who would try to grope him, or make him sit in their lap. There was no one who would force himself on the raven haired Magi. He was safe. Judar just had to prove that to himself.

"Wonderful!" The king beamed, smiling so brightly that Judar was sure he would split his face in half.

"I HAVE to make preparations!" With those words, Sinbad practically breezed out of the library.

Blinking, Judar watched him leave, before setting his book aside. He was not feeling well anymore. Anxiety and worry swirled inside of him as some of his memories resurfaced, turning into a disgusting mix of fear and nausea. Standing up nervously, Judar rubbed his hands together, squeezing his fingers and taking deep breaths. He had to calm down quickly. He couldn't have a flashback or anything of the sort right now. He just COULDN'T.

Still, as soon as he closed his eyes, did the pig's ugly voice enter his head. The former emperor always had a rough, deep voice, sounding as if he had breathed in too much of the incense he had always put up burning somewhere.

Shuddering, Judar raked a hand through his raven hair, his breathing deepening, picking up speed. He was no fool, he knew a panic attack when one was coming, and right now it didn't help him at all that he was in a place where someone could walk in at any moment.

He had to get out of here quickly.

Turning, Judar practically ran out of the library, walking quickly down the hallway with fast and large steps, barely paying attention to anyone who crossed his path. He almost ran into Ja'far, who said something, but Judar hadn't even half the mind to listen to him, let alone open his mouth and say something back. He didn't even really look at Ja'far as he hurried on, not stopping for even a second.

His dark Rukh gathered around him, seeming to swarm in close frenzied groups and he could tell that they were touching him, but no matter how close they were to him, he felt deaf to their chirping. He was blind to their way of trying to help, of trying to calm him. Instead, Judar felt as though his heart may be ripped apart, so hard and fast was it beating, his harsh breathing filling his ears.

Soon, but still not fast enough, he reached the king's quarters and slammed the bedroom door closed behind him, his knees starting to grow weak. Now that he was somewhere where people wouldn't see him, did he start losing his control. And Judar could feel it slip, no matter how hard he tried to hold onto it, to grasp tightly on to it.

Falling onto his knees, Judar grasped his dark hair harshly in his hands, his breathing fast and ragged in his lungs. Shivers wracked his body and he felt the acidic bile rising in his throat. Barely keeping it down, Judar tried to remember, tried to think of something good. Of anything, as long as it took his mind off of his memories.

It wasn't working, he quickly realized.

Instead, it felt as though his memories were washing over him, drowning him like the raging waves of the ocean, pulling him under, stealing his breath.

Wrapping his arms around himself, Judar dug his fingers into his shoulders, trying to keep himself grounded while leaning forward until his forehead touched the floor. Closing his eyes tightly, Judar took deep, shuddering breaths, breathing around the burning sensation in his chest. Cold sweat started to break out all over his body and he felt himself trembling, getting lost in a nightmarish memory of his.

He could feel it, practically taste the bitterness of it on his tongue. Those hauntingly familiar and disgusting hands were on him again. They were holding him down, pressing him down, and that meaty, sweaty body forced itself inside of him. Judar felt like screaming, trying to call out for someone to save him from this, but his voice remained soundless, his screams stuck in his throat, choking him.

The next thing Judar knew, he was sharply opening his eyes, forcing his upper body up, his wide eyes frantically scanning the room for a very well known threat. The smell of incense was so clear in his memory he could taste it in his mouth, the scent filling his head, making him feel dizzy. It was then, that something inside of him stilled when his eyes landed on the furniture and the wide, open windows.

Unfiltered sunlight shone into the big room, bringing the warm and light colors of Sinbad's bedroom to glow slightly. This was not the room he remembered. Not at all. In the personal rooms of the emperor, it had always been somewhat dim, with drawn, heavy curtains in front of the windows. And then there had been those candles everywhere, casting long shadows along the floor. Shadows that always seemed to grab Judar, dragging him more and more into the darkness, unwilling to ever let him go as long as the emperor was around.

With a loud gasp that hurt his throat and lungs, Judar was suddenly able to breathe properly again. His lungs filled with the much needed air, and Judar made sure to keep his eyes firmly on the sunrays falling into the room. Their sight was what grounded him into reality, helped him gain back his grip on control.

A gentle breeze drifting through the window caused Judar to realize how cold he felt, and he also realized how much his sweat soaked body was trembling. Slowly, stiffly, he forced his hands to loosen their hold on his shoulders, but he couldn't bring himself to lower his arms.

When he had calmed a bit more, Judar let his eyes roam over every inch of the room, making sure that there really was no one there who would hurt him. No hidden figure that waited for him to drop his guard, no person who sat there waiting, finding pleasure in Judar's fear and panic.

The Magi sagged a bit when he realized that there really was no one around. Carefully rubbing a trembling hand over his face, Judar tried to move his stiff body, his muscles still tense, ready to react to any immediate threat.

When Judar suddenly heard footsteps in the hallway outside the door, he froze up, his heart suddenly racing in his chest. In his mind, for a split second, he was back in his old home, unable to escape.

Scrambling to his feet, Judar almost stumbled back down onto the floor as his unsteady legs were close to giving out under him. And the second Judar was standing straight, the door swung open.

Sinbad entered and stopped when he laid eyes on his Magi.

It didn't take a genius to see that something was wrong. Judar's face was deathly pale, shining with sweat, but the worst was the look in his eyes. He looked restless, frightened, and like someone backed into a corner, ready to bolt at the slightest wrong move. And for a short second, silence filled the room. Sinbad hesitated for a second, unsure how to approach Judar when he seemed this…unstable. But then he decided to act the same as always. After all, people usually calmed down when they realized nothing was out of the ordinary. Or at least, Sinbad hoped that this would help.

"I didn't expect to see you here." Sinbad watched Judar carefully, while he pretended to casually walk over to his private shelves, not really wanting anything from there. "Is everything alright?"

Judar's already tense body seemed to tense even more. Not for even the smallest moment had he taken his eyes from Sinbad, watching every move of the king closely. But when Sinbad addressed him, even turning to him to wait for an answer, was he snapping out of it, blurting out the first thing that came to his mind.

"Do I ever have to go back?"

Sinbad blinked, confused. He saw how nervous Judar was, kneading his pale hands and he was now avoiding eye contact.

"Go back where?" Sinbad really hadn't the slightest clue what was going on. In fact, he had thought that things between them had improved – quite a lot actually, when he thought back to the morning he woke up with Judar practically in his arms.

"To…to the Kou Empire." Judar's voice was quiet, almost too quiet. It sounded as if his voice was close to shaking. Sinbad paused.

"…do you want to go back?" Sinbad had thought about that before, if Judar had been happier back in his home. It wasn't as though he would forbid his Magi to go back and visit those he cared about, but it was too early to let it happen yet. The generals' trust in Judar was still fragile and they could get the wrong idea, especially considering how freely Judar was now moving around. Who knew where else the young Magi would go while he had the chance, raising suspicions by staying away longer than he was expected to.

"No!" Sinbad was startled at Judar's loud exclamation. Judar, who realized he had reacted too strongly, felt his cheeks uncomfortably heat up in embarrassment. It hadn't been his intention to respond like that…

"Then I don't see why you should have to go back." Now Sinbad was clearly confused. Furthermore…

"What has brought this up?"

Judar twitched involuntarily, averting his eyes. "Nothing…really." Even to his own ears, it sounded like a complete lie.

Sinbad felt concern welling up inside of him. Concern and…a mix between sadness and disappointment. He had thought that Judar had started trusting him more, getting closer to him. So why was it that Judar had the feeling that he had to lie to him about this matter?

Walking up to his Magi, the king extended his hand, intending to reassure and calm the raven, but he was startled when Judar flinched, quickly moving a step back.

Judar froze right after that, as well as the High King. Barely breathing, Judar mentally cursed himself. He cannot act like this! It was far too suspicious!

Swallowing thickly, the Magi forced himself to take a step forward, even though every fiber in his body screamed at him to keep his distance. He couldn't take any physical contact right now, but he also couldn't raise anymore suspicion. Judar's secret couldn't be found out. It couldn't. If someone knew…Judar felt his insides grow deathly cold with something akin to fear.

"Judar, please explain what is wrong." Sinbad held up a hand when the younger Magi opened his mouth to interrupt him. "I CAN see that something isn't right. Do not take me for a fool when it seems to be this bad for you. And before you deny it, I can see your hands shaking."

Automatically, Judar balled his hands into fists, trying his hardest to keep them from trembling.

Averting his eyes, he desperately tried to think of a way out of this situation.

"I…I…" What was he supposed to say? That he freaked out? In the eyes of someone as strong as Sinbad, it would probably be a laughing matter…or maybe not. The High King had always been patient and understanding with him. Even now he was, and even when Judar seemed to open up to him, only to clam up in the next second. But Judar couldn't help himself. It was his way of testing the waters, to see how far he could trust Sinbad, and expect him to accept him the way he was.

"I…have trouble talking about this. And I…I want to know if there is anything…anything that I could…possibly DO… that would bring you to send me back to the Kou Empire." Judar didn't want to go back. And he had to know, to know if there was some behavior that would force Sinbad to send him back. If there was, Judar would do anything in his might to keep that behavior from showing. He was willing to do anything to stay.

"Judar, has something happened there? If it has, you can talk about it to me, you don't have to worry. I would not send you back, you are part of my kingdom, of my people now."

Somehow, Judar felt something inside him ease slightly when he heard those words. It was as if a part of him found a bit of peace and it was suddenly slightly easier to breathe.

"Judar, did something happen? And why did you have the need to ask me?" Sinbad's eyes were serious as he regarded his Magi, carefully standing in front of him, not touching him – not yet anyways. It was clear that the raven was still very much on edge.

Judar swallowed, trying to get rid of the dry feeling in his mouth. "…no…that's not it. I was just wondering." Fidgeting slightly with his hands, Judar was relieved to realize that the shaking had almost stopped.

Sinbad sighed soundlessly. "We have to talk about this. Whatever this is, I can see how it affects you. Judar, please look at me." Hesitantly, the Magi obeyed. Sinbad was meeting his ruby eyes with a serious expression. "You said you have trouble talking about it, but I…I want and need to understand this. At least a bit, TRY to explain it if you can. After all, just recently, you seemed fine with being close to me. Have I done something? Is it because you don't trust me after all-"

"That's not it." Judar bit his tongue when he realized he had interrupted Sinbad midsentence. Then he slightly shook his head. He was acting like a scared and intimidated kid again. He had nothing to fear from the high king… "That's…not it." He repeated quietly.

"Then, what is it? Judar, don't look away." Sinbad stretched out his hand, touching Judar's face to keep him from avoiding his gaze. The raven flinched again while tensing up.

Hesitantly, Sinbad allowed his hand to remain where it was, carefully gauging how the Magi would take it. The king was no fool, he realized with every passing second that his first guess that something happened to Judar had been right. Something very bad had happened to the magi. And when he looked at the way Judar was reacting right now, it could have been…no…Sinbad quickly pushed that thought aside. It couldn't be that Al-Tharmen had allowed someone to lay a hand on their Magi. But then again…worry started to grow even larger inside of the king. What if someone had used to beat Judar? Physical abuse was sadly nothing foreign to some people in this world. Sinbad quickly directed his concentration back to Judar.

For the longest moment, Judar seemed like he couldn't even breathe, before he took a deep, shuddering breath. It was only when the Magi was meeting Sinbad's golden eyes again that the king realized what he saw in those ruby eyes, hidden behind a forced, unsteady calmness.

Fear.

"You don't fear me, do you?" The quiet question escaped Sinbad before he could stop it. It saddened him greatly. He had always thought that Judar felt comfortable around him. Had he been wrong all along? Had he crossed a line when he had pulled Judar close to him on that night? Sinbad had already realized that Judar would keep quiet about a lot of things that bothered him, especially if they made him vulnerable. For a second, Sinbad considered taking his hand away and ending the contact. If Judar really feared him…

"No, no, I don't. I just…" Judar placed a hand over the one on his cheek, taking comfort in the warm and gentle contact, even though a part of him whispered to him to be on his guard, to pay close attention to Sinbad's movements and his mood so that nothing bad could happen without Judar noticing it. He tried hard to ignore that part. "I…" How could he say it? How could he expose himself like that? But then again…he almost owed it to Sinbad, for being so…so understanding. For taking him away from the Kou Empire, from that nightmare, and offering him a normal life. Even more, Sinbad offered him the life of someone respected, of someone who had a position of power. It was amazing, how much trust he placed in Judar with that…

"I am scared…" Judar felt as though he was choking on those words. Involuntarily, he drew up his shoulders, pulling Sinbad's hand from his face. But he didn't let go. He needed this…if he would even begin going…there. Judar needed something to keep him grounded. And he needed this comfort before Sinbad started connecting the dots sooner or later and began hating him. The last thing Judar could be able to take was if Sinbad would find him disgusting. That was something that struck a surprisingly deep fear in him.

"Scared?" Concerned, Sinbad took a step closer, resisting his wish to pull the Magi into his arms.

"Yeah…because, I…I…" Judar clenched his teeth, his heart beating wildly in his chest. Just what was he doing here? This was wrong…he couldn't talk about this. He couldn't lose Sinbad. He shouldn't make himself vulnerable like this…

Sinbad carefully lifted his second hand, placing it on Judar's shoulder, feeling the Magi flinch again.

"Has it something to do with this?" The king asked carefully, his thumb drawing light, tiny circles. Wordlessly, Judar gave one small nod, unable to do or say more. Then the Magi withdrew, dropping Sinbad's hand and unconsciously rubbing over the spot where the king's other hand had been. Then he forcefully cleared his throat, frantically searching for a way to change the subject. With just this conversation alone, Sinbad had gotten far too close to his secret.

"Why did you come here?"

Sinbad suppressed a sigh. Judar had withdrawn again, pulling up his walls once more. It was in this moment that the king realized for the first time that it was far from an easy task to get Judar to completely open up to him.

"I…" Sinbad scratched the back of his head. "Actually, I saw you running through a hallway and I thought I should make sure that everything was alright."

Judar swore quietly to himself, to never let himself be seen again when he had a breakdown. Because that was what had happened to him. A breakdown.

"So, is there anything I can help you with?" Sinbad carefully watched Judar and waited patiently for an answer.

"No, I am fine." Judar ran a hand through his dark bangs, trying hard to act like his usual self again. "Don't you have preparations to make?"

Sinbad smiled, knowing that this was Judar's somewhat polite way of telling the older male to leave him alone for a moment. "You're right." The High King hesitated for a second, before another thought came up in his mind. "Oh yeah, I expect you to participate, just in case you thought of bailing out."

Judar rolled his eyes, feeling another part of him calm down. "If I come, then I come."

Sinbad nodded, still reluctant to leave, but the look in Judar's eyes clearly told him that the raven had no intention of letting him close right now. If anything, the Magi even tried to avoid looking him in the eye.

Suppressing a sigh, the High King left the room and closed the door behind him. Sinbad stopped for a short second when he saw Ja'far standing beside the door. His adviser had a thoughtful expression on his face, his hands in his sleeves as he often had.

"How did it go?"

This time, Sinbad sighed and looked at the door. "I'm not sure…at least I know a little bit more…"

Sinbad turned to his friend. "Thank you, for telling me that Judar went here."

"It actually worried me a bit how he acted." Ja'far also looked at the door for a moment, both males keeping their voices a bit down so they wouldn't accidentally be overheard by the Magi.

Then they both started walking down the corridor.

"You really care a lot about him, don't you?" Ja'far kept looking forward, while Sinbad shot him a surprised look. The king let out a quiet chuckle.

"I can't hide anything from you after all." They continued on in silence for a while before Sinbad spoke up. "Thanks."

"For what?" Ja'far looked at him surprised and raised an eyebrow.

"For not threatening Judar up until now."

Ja'far gave an uncharacteristic snort. "Well, you asked me to. Even though it was surprisingly hard, and I really think it would have done that brat some good…"

"He isn't that much younger than you." Sinbad grinned while teasing his friend, nudging him slightly with his elbow, trying to lighten the somewhat more serious mood.

"And you are acting far too much like a child yourself. Old man."

Sinbad winced, but the smile didn't leave his face. "Now come on, you know I don't like being called that. I am not that old!"

The corners of Ja'far's mouth twitched. "Are you now? Sometimes I can't tell."

Grasping at his chest, Sinbad pulled a hurt face. "Do you feel no love for me?"

"For a person that slacks off almost a whole day of work in favor of organizing a party? No, not particularly." A small smile grazed Ja'far's face and Sinbad laughed, awkwardly scratching his head.

"I will make it up to you. And I will work twice as hard tomorrow."

"I am sure you will." Ja'far replied dryly, but with good humor. Well, Sinbad really did his work, so Ja'far wasn't really worried about that. The High King would complain about it anyways, especially when his advisor would take his wine out of the drawer of his working table. But a drunken Sinbad resulted in a Sinbad that disappeared with Sharrkan to a party as soon as he was done with everything. And that again resulted in an often hung-over king.

"So about tonight, don't give Judar too much of a hard time alright?"

Ja'far raised an eyebrow. "What brings that up?"

"I know you, and I know you want to talk to him, so some way or another you will tell him that you don't really trust him that much."

Ja'far's face grew serious. "I am not sure if I trust him at all." The advisor slightly shook his head. "I can't forget the grief he has caused you, or how often he made a fool out you because of your kindness."

The smile left Sinbad's face. "I know…but there is something about him…and we both know better than anyone that people can change."

"I am well aware of that." Ja'far shot his king a more serious look. "I just…would like more of some kind of palpable proof that he…won't ever betray us, Sin."

Sinbad knew that Ja'far had trouble trusting Judar in this regard, because of his rather wary and suspicious nature considering people they hadn't the best relationship with.

Patting his friend on the back, Sinbad smiled again. "Well, then tonight is maybe a good opportunity for you to get to know Judar better. I also want him to integrate more."

"I had planned on that anyway." They both looked up when they heard someone call their names. The king smiled when he saw Hinahoho coming towards them, one of his children hanging from his shoulders.

"Hey, what got you so serious? Is something up?" Asked the blue haired giant when he stopped in front of them. Sinbad shook his head.

"No, just talking about Judar."

Hinahoho raised an eyebrow, slightly unsure if he should start suspecting the raven of something right away. "Did he do something?"

"Nah." Sinbad waved the blue haired man's concern off. "We were just talking about him and my hope that tonight will be a good way for you all to get to know our Magi better. By the way, is there something your sister wants?"

"Aside from me marrying again? Not as far as I know…" Hinahoho scratched his head thoughtfully. His son used that moment to lean over his shoulder to speak up.

"I think she would like a necklace made from those shiny, small sea shells that were found on the coast. She said they remind her of frozen rainbows. Like the ice in our homeland."

Sinbad laughed. "Well, then we should hurry and hope that a jeweler will get finished with making such a necklace by tonight. Ja'far, do you know where those sea shells are being kept or where I can get them?"

"Sinbad, those shells are mother of pearls, they get washed up the shore almost every morning. If you want some of higher quality, then you can go down into the city. Some of the shops near the coast should already sell them as necklaces."

Sinbad grinned. "That's great, thanks! I will see you later, alright?" The king turned to Hinahoho. "Do you want to come with me?"

"Sure, I definitely want to play a part in getting my sister something." The big man smiled, giving his son an appreciative nudge. "What a good thing that you have been listening better to her than I have."

His son grinned. "Oh, she just talked about it when she met with a friend of hers. You weren't even around that time."

Ja'far cleared his throat when Sinbad and Hinahoho turned around to leave. "Sin?"

The king stopped, looking back. "Yeah?"

"Don't buy any booze."


	9. Chapter Eight: Party

**First of all: I want to thank you all for your patience! It took me a long time until I finally got up to write this chapter. And a huge, big, THANK YOU to Frozen Peaches, my most amazing beta! Without her, I wouldn't be able to see what my story had been missing all along. Without her, I wouldn't be inspired to write so many parts of my story. And without her, you probably couldn't read quite a few parts of this chapter, thanks to my idiot-self at simply not getting english-grammar rules and other stuff (again, thank you Frozen Peaches, for explaining a lot to me!)**

**And also: Thank you so much for your support! Your reviews always cause me to be happy and giddy and they have triggered a writing-flash quite often. So, thank you all! I hope you will continue to enjoy this story!**

**Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters.**

**I hope very much that you will like this chapter! And I hope that you enjoy reading it!**

* * *

Judar's skin hurt. His upper body and his arms, as well as his legs, felt as though they were burning, stinging as he ran his hands slowly over the reddened skin that normally looked pale and unblemished. He hoped the red would soon fade away and with it, any evidence that something had happened.

After Sinbad had left, Judar had waited for a few moments in tense silence before leaving the room to search for the baths. The raven had felt so disgusting, so vulnerable and shaken up; he just had to do something. He had to get these feelings off and away from him. He had to find a way to bring at least some calm into his self, his being.

So he had scrubbed and scrubbed, everywhere he could reach, to somehow leave everything behind. Every touch and every memory. He used buckets and buckets of water, trying to just wash it all away with the scented soaps provided in the baths, he tried to drown out the smells in his memory, scents that seemed to suddenly cling to the air all around him.

But in the end, he had to stop when he felt his strength leaving him. He sat in the bathing water in silence. For how long, he didn't know. Washing his hair had been almost too much work, and now he tried to dry it without tangling it up too much. It was only in moments like this that Judar briefly thought about cutting his hair at least a bit shorter – only to disregard the idea immediately. He loved his hair like this actually because of the comforting feeling of it on his back, the feeling of the silky locks touching his skin. And he loved the light feeling of it when he manipulated his braid with a bit of air, giving him the impression that it was possible to just get up and fly away any second if he chose to do so.

Carefully padding his still hurting legs, arms and chest dry, Judar slipped back into his clothes and tried to breathe as deeply as possible. However, his gut was still constricting with anxiety even though he could feel himself calming down. Even his Rukh around him had calmed, swarming around him and carefully landing on his shoulders for the smallest of seconds.

Taking another deep breath, so deep it hurt, Judar exhaled again and felt some of the tenseness leave his body. He sagged slightly, feeling utterly drained and exhausted.

Completely dressed again, Judar left the bath and stepped out into the long, silent hallway. The stone floor beneath his feet was cool, almost cold and somehow he found that sensation soothing. It actually somehow felt nice. Taking one more deep breath, even though this one wasn't as deep as the first one, Judar felt some sort of fragile peace settle back in his heart. And he clung to it like a drowning man, like a beggar to a scrap of food.

He was gaining back his ground slowly, getting his feelings back under control as well as locking away his memories. Locking them far, far away, into the deepest part of his being. But he wasn't hoping his memories would stay away from him and out of sight. He knew better than that. They would not leave him alone, at least not forever. Maybe for a day or two. And if he was very lucky, his nightmares would even grant him a third calm night. Eventually though, they will erupt again, making him face what he tried to forget so desperately.

Lost in his dark thoughts, Judar wandered back into the bedroom he shared with the king and sat down on the mattress, facing the window. He knew that with Sinbad preparing a party, that there wouldn't be any more official work today, so he didn't need to remember to go or be anywhere.

Except to the party being held tonight. Judar felt his stomach cramp slightly in nervousness and he shook his head. THIS was another thing he hated about himself. A thing that came from the cruel treatment of his former emperor, treatment that had been forced upon him. And Judar resented him for it, hated him to an extent that bordered on soul crushing. Yet at the same time, he also feared him. Feared that pig in a way that made his body grow cold and made him shake until he couldn't place another foot in front of him. A fear rooted deep, planted since his childhood and groomed into a big, ugly monster that reached into his consciousness, into his thoughts. And even into his instinctual actions when he wasn't careful.

Raking a hand through his dark hair, Judar started to weave his hair back into its original braid, working on distracting himself for as long as he could. He was done far too quickly in his mind and after a sweeping look through the room, he decided to get up in order to raid Sinbad's personal bookshelf, in hopes of finding other means to distract his self. Which occupied himself until the sun started to set.

As the light got lesser and lesser and the night started to set in, Judar knew it was time to leave this room and join the party that surely had already started since the beginning of the sunset.

Standing up and putting the book he had been reading more or less concentrated on aside, Judar left the room, keeping his thoughts away from certain subjects with great care. Still, he couldn't completely control his body. Nervousness and a hint of worry crept up his spine and nestled into his self when Judar reached the palace gardens.

When the king threw one of this more private parties, he always set them up in the gardens. And truly, the place was alight with fires and small candles, food and drinks available everywhere and someone even strung dozens of decorations and lampions between and onto the trees.

Stopping in his tracks for a second, Judar let his eyes roam over the people present. Certainly, no general of Sinbad's was missing and the king himself was already busy drinking and laughing with his friends.

A slight, small cough behind him caused Judar to jump slightly, becoming startled and aware. He quickly whirled around only to see that it was Ja'far who had snuck up on him. Judar warily eyed the advisor, who held a goblet of wine in his hand. He knew that Ja'far wasn't fond of him and damn, that guy was quiet! Judar hadn't heard or felt anything.

"I see you turned up. I actually doubted it until now." Ja'far was the first to speak up, breaking the tense silence that settled in between them. Judar also didn't miss the steel-like coolness in the general's eyes, the sharp awareness that told him that Ja'far wasn't missing even one of his movements.

"Well, the king wanted me to. So…I guess I will say hello." Judar turned around and walked away, not waiting for Ja'far to answer. He knew he didn't do their relationship any favor this way, but he just didn't want to listen to anything Ja'far might have to say. He didn't want to be here in the first place…

So Judar walked up to Sinbad, getting greeted by Hinahoho first, since it was the giant that spotted him before the others did.

"Hey, Judar!" Hinahoho smiled towards the raven.

Sinbad turned around, smiling in happy surprise. "Judar, it's nice to see you! I thought you wouldn't come after all." Why was everyone thinking that? Judar wondered in slight irritation for a moment, before shaking his head slightly. He wasn't exactly the most social person…

Sinbad motioned to the gigantic – in Judar's opinion – woman beside him. "Judar, meet Pipirika, our birthday girl. Pipirika, this is Judar, our Magi." Judar had to bring up all his self control not to flinch when the king laid a hand on his back to move him closer. Forcing himself to appear as calm and like his usual self, Judar nodded to the tall woman.

"Congratulations."

She smiled. "Thank you, I am glad we can finally meet in person." She stretched out her hand and Judar mirrored her movement, only to find his hand completely dwarfed by hers. The Magi was once again amazed by how tall and big the Imuchakk were.

"Nice to meet you." Judar was sure that he surprised some of the surrounding people with his good behavior, but even he had learned some etiquette during his childhood. No matter how messed up it had been.

Taking his hand back, Judar felt like he had done what was expected of him. And a big part of him urged him to get his ass out of here as fast as possible, but Sinbad looked happy to have him here, engaging him into conversations as often as he could together with the others. It was clear that Sin was trying hard.

So, to do his king a favor and also somehow to prove to himself that parties COULD be fun, Judar joined their talk, getting to know the generals better as the night passed on.

For example, he hadn't known that Hinahoho was raising his kids as an only parent and that Sharrkan had always been arguing with Yamuraiha since…well, apparently forever. Yamuraiha again, had an odd interest in beards – as far as he understood from something she muttered under her breath when Sharrkan teased her, that no man would ever like a magic geek like her.

But what also happened was that Judar relaxed more and more. So far, nothing here resembled a party in the Kou Empire – at least the official parties that the emperor would attend. And Judar also found that he started to enjoy himself.

After a bit of wine – especially on Yamuraiha's side – the two of them eventually managed quite a conversation about magic. Judar also found it fun to tease the woman, much to her chagrin, but he also had to admit that she was damned smart.

"So you see, when you merge these two parts." Yamuraiha drew with her finger on the table they were sitting at, leaving behind invisible lines on the wood, but Judar was able to follow her. "You get this big explosion. I didn't know until it happened right behind me." She took a sip from her wine. Suddenly, Sharrkan leaned over the table, setting down a plate of different dishes. "That only happened because you are an idiot. A magical idiot."

Yamuraiha glared at him and for a second, Judar thought she would smack her goblet into his face. Or at least splash wine on him. But instead, she huffed.

"Says the guy who is afraid of snakes since his childhood." For a moment, Sharrkan looked like he was slightly embarrassed. "And why are you suddenly interfering? We were talking about seriously interesting and productive things." She waved her hand as though she tried to chase him away.

Sharrkan smiled, his eyes darkening and for a second, Judar thought that he should sneak away.

"Is that so? I don't see the productiveness in getting my face blown away. Right, Judar?" Why was he suddenly dragging him into the conversation? "By the way, help yourself." Sharrkan pushed the plate towards Judar, completely missing how Judar stared at the meat in barely concealed disgust before quickly veiling his reaction. Turning to Yamuraiha, Sharrkan sat down beside her. "You completely miss out on amazing things! Aside from the fact that magic is useless."

"Useless?" Yamuraiha hissed, setting down her goblet so hard, wine spilled over her fingers. "Swordsmanship is the useless thing, what productive things are coming from you dancing around with a frigging toothpick?"

"Dancing?! I am FIGHTING and – hey, Judar, where are you going?"

Judar halted for a moment in getting up, before taking a small step back. "I will get myself something to drink." And he wasn't exactly planning on returning all too soon. Quickly, he left the two bickering idiots behind and found himself alone with Masrur by the set table with the dishes.

The Fanalis gave him a nod, holding a big plate of food in one hand. Judar nodded at him as well, not exactly in the mood to talk much. So far, he was just glad that the party wasn't bad. It wasn't so bad at all actually.

When Masrur turned towards him, Judar looked up, slightly surprised when the Fanalis was looking him over seriously. Then again…Masrur always seemed to be serious. Constantly. Like every day. He had never seen him smile. "How are you?"

Judar blinked for a second, truly surprised this time that the tall redhead engaged a conversation with him. "Fine, thank you." He lied smoothly. "And you?"

Masrur didn't answer right away, only looking at him with a slightly contemplative gaze, then he gave a nod.

"Fine as well."

Well, what a deep talk, Judar thought to himself, looking at the food piled in front of him. Most of that didn't have much appeal to him…

It was in this moment that Judar noticed that Masrur was still standing beside him, not moving an inch and letting his gaze wander over the party and the present people. It was only a few seconds later that the Magi realized that the Fanalis most likely was keeping him some sort of company. Silent company, but right now he admitted that it was more welcome than any chatter in the world.

Masrur's whole self seemed to radiate calmness and some sort of powerful but quiet ease and Judar found himself relaxing bit by bit. It was almost as though Masrur provided some sort of excuse to keep away from actually partaking at the party.

Slowly, Judar felt his shoulders sink as his tenseness and the feeling of having to be alert at all times seeped out of him a bit, not leaving completely and not draining away to the point that he WASN'T aware of everything anymore, but…it felt easier. Being at the party suddenly felt easier.

Picking out a few fruits and peeling a slice of pineapple from a roast, Judar turned around, leaning back against the table slightly.

Masrur, meanwhile, had finished almost half his plate, looking relaxed and almost bored.

Still, despite all that and the pleasant atmosphere around, Judar found himself keeping an eye on Sinbad, who seemed to get more and more drunk the more time passed, even though he mostly was accompanied by Drakon and Hinahoho, laughing at the others fooling around.

Shortly after, Masrur was waved over by his king and Judar declined the invitation by gesturing towards the food and the drinks, using them as an excuse to enjoy a bit of quiet and piece.

It was also then that he saw Ja'far talking to one of the guards, before turning around and noticing him. Then the advisor lifted his hand and beckoned Judar over. To say the Magi was surprised was an understatement, but most of all was he wary. Very wary.

Still, he walked over after a moment of hesitation, deciding that he had to start getting along with Ja'far somehow along the way.

"Yeah?" Judar asked when he stopped in front of the former assassin.

"Do you mind talking to me a bit more in private for a moment?" Judar hesitated, before he shrugged, pretending to be nonchalant. Ja'far led him to a table full of empty cups and carafes.

"There are a few things I would like to tell you, Judar, since Sinbad seems to be far too nice to bring them up." Ja'far sounded calm, but his shoulders were slightly tense and his eyes held a certain sharpness. "I firstly want you to know that I don't really trust you much. And I am sure you know why I am still wary of you."

Judar found he could only nod. He knew. He just…kind of thought it would belong in the past with the way Sinbad always treated him. And the other generals also seemed to…accept him more and more.

Ja'far's eyes strayed to the party for a moment and to the celebrating people, his friends and family, and to the person who saved him all those years ago, when no one gave a rats ass about a child that had been thrust into killing since the very beginning. When no one would have moved a finger or even risked their lives in order to save his. Ja'far's resolve hardened. He would protect Sinbad, and he would protect his friends. He will not watch any of them get hurt again if he could have stopped it.

"You caused a lot of pain." Ja'far didn't miss how Judar's back stiffened and how he seemed to try to make himself taller. "Especially to Sinbad." The advisor looked back to the Magi, his eyes holding a dark, serious sharpness. "I want you to know that I won't hesitate to end you, should you even show the slightest inkling to betraying us." There was no hesitation in his voice and nothing but the truth in his cool grey eyes.

Judar inhaled slightly deeper than normal. "You won't have to. I gave Sinbad my word. You can trust it."

"How can I know? Do you even feel remorse or guilt for what you did before? Does it even bother you the slightest bit?" Judar felt his body grow still. His head was suddenly blankly empty and an odd feeling grew in his chest, making it feel tight.

Ja'far went on. "And are you even aware of what you _owe_ Sinbad? You have wronged him so many times, made fun of his kindness, and even declared that you would love to destroy him, to kill him. That you would destroy his country, which he loves with more than his heart and soul. Still, he took you in, ready to leave the past behind. And you probably never apologized, did you? Or thanked him?"

Judar stayed silent. Ja'far sighed slightly, placing his hands in his sleeves, feeling the hint of his hidden blades while doing so. They felt cold, even though he wasn't touching them and for a moment, Ja'far seriously hoped that he never had to use them against the raven haired Magi. It would break Sinbad's heart. "See, this is where I don't trust you. Even all too recently before the war with Kou broke out, you came here, mocking Sin. Was there truly any truth in the tale you told about your past?"

"There is." Judar felt his mouth go dry and his words sounded slightly raspy. Inside, he felt torn up, more wounded and startled by Ja'far's words than he ever imagined. There was too much truth in what the advisor had just spoken. It felt like his heart was suddenly raw and aching in his chest.

Ja'far studied him for a moment until he seemed to come to some sort of conclusion and he sighed. "I trust Sinbad and his choices, and if he believes that you changed, or are willing to, I won't object. Having a Magi here is of great value, but only if we can rely on you. …say, Judar, how far is Sinbad right when he places trust in you?"

Judar firmly met his gaze, trying his hardest to make his words sound with all the truth he had. "All the way."

Because Ja'far was right. Judar owed Sinbad more than he could ever repay. Offering his life wouldn't be enough.

* * *

"Say, Sinbad, why is it that Judar still sleeps in your room?" Sinbad looked up at Drakon in surprise. The large general lifted a hand. "Just asking, it is pretty uncommon."

The High King leaned back, feeling the alcohol he consumed quite much as he swayed a bit in his seat. Still, he emptied his goblet. "Well, mostly, I never asked him if he wanted his own rooms." Sinbad thoughtfully tapped against the wood of the table they sat at. "And there is just something…something that worries me about him." He quickly lifted his hands in a disarming manner when Hinahoho and Drakon exchanged alarmed glances. "Not like that! Really, relax."

Sighing, Sinbad raked a hand through his hair, slumping in his seat. "How to explain this…his sleeps are interrupted by nightmares and sometimes there is something about his behavior that…makes me worry if something has happened to him…something…bad." Sinbad grimaced. "It is difficult to explain and I want to find out more before I come to any firm conclusions. But…there are times when he wakes up and…and he is often so scared…"

Now Hinahoho's and Drakon's glances were of slight worry.

"Do you know what it is?" Hinahoho inquired while he refilled Sinbad's goblet. The king shook his head.

"No. He withdraws as soon as I bring it up or ask him about it. He is a tough nut to crack, that is for sure. And I know I will need a lot more patience than I already showed. I hope I get to him soon though." Sinbad's voice slurred as he drank again.

Before one of the two generals could ask anything else, Ja'far appeared and took in the sight of his drunk king. By the set of his jaw, it was clear that he wasn't too fond of the scene in front of him before he sighed. "I guess it would be for the best if we bring the party to an end. Most people are dead drunk right now anyway. Sharrkan already passed out as well as Yamuraiha and Pisti is on her way there."

Sinbad laughed slightly at that. "That is youth, for sure! …ah damn, now I feel so old again…" Letting his head fall onto the table, the king groaned slightly at the sting in his forehead.

Hinahoho chuckled quietly before he turned to Ja'far. "Drakon and I will see who is still sober enough to help get the other people back to their rooms."

Ja'far gave the giant a thankful smile. "Masrur is already taking care of Sharrkan and Yamuraiha, he will be back shortly afterwards, so he should be able to help you. And Judar could be useful and help Sinbad back to his room." Since Ja'far was pretty sure that even a drunk Sinbad could hold his ground against the Magi. Probably. But to tell the truth…since their talk, Ja'far felt more eased when he thought about the raven. And it also helped that Judar was one of the very few people who were still sober at this point.

"Now that you mention it, where is our Magi?" Drakon lifted his head to look around.

"He is currently talking to Spartos." Ja'far replied, since that was where he saw the magi go after their…talk.

"Oh right, Judar, there is something I wanted to ask him…but I forgot…I wonder what it was…" Sinbad mumbled, getting up, only to grip onto the table to keep himself from stumbling ungracefully around – or onto the floor. Quickly, Hinahoho and Ja'far both had grabbed one of his arms to steady him.

"I'll go and get Judar. Keep him from drinking or doing something stupid." Ja'far said dryly as Hinahoho and Drakon nodded.

"Hey, I never do stupid things!" Protesting, Sinbad straightened up and tried to walk, only to lean on his giant of a friend as the floor started to sway beneath his feet. Damn, being on a ship during a storm was easier.

Before Sin knew it, Judar turned up with Ja'far tailing after him, looking nervous and a bit hesitant. Judar's hands felt cool when they gripped one of Sinbad's arms to help steady the man, and ending up with said arm slung over his shoulders instead.

Hinahoho looked a bit concerned. "Will you be alright? We could help you with him."

Judar had to admit that the king was far heavier than he thought at first, but it was still nothing the Magi couldn't handle. If only there just wouldn't be this worry worming in his belly…

"I'll be fine." The raven gave a reassuring smile, but it felt far too forced even to himself.

"Good night", the High King slurred, waving at his friends and almost tripping over his own feet in the process. Cursing quietly, Judar adjusted his grip and started to walk with Sinbad.

For the most part as they walked back into the castle, Sinbad was busy wishing people around him a good night, so Judar was immensely relieved that the king was distracted. However, it changed quickly when they walked down quiet, dark corridors in order to reach their shared room. Judar had to work hard on concentrating on his steps and not let his mind wander. Instead, he gripped Sinbad a bit tighter, trying to distract himself from the icy cold that seemed to wander through his body like sharp shards of glass.

Somewhere along a flight of stairs, Sinbad's head fell to the side, coming to rest against Judar's who briefly froze up.

Sinbad breathed in deeply. "Oh, you bathed. Smells nice…" Swallowing thickly and trying not to panic, the raven moved again, a bit quicker though. The arm that was resting over the Magi's shoulders seemed to encircle him more and suddenly, Judar found Sinbad's fingers on his bare arm, the tips drawing slight, curious circles over his pale, exposed skin.

"Wow, your skin is soft", the king mumbled a bit unclear and Judar closed his eyes for a moment in dread and his stomach seemed to drop as they reached the end of the stairs. Only a bit more, he thought to himself, then they would be at the bedroom. Still, he felt himself tense up as Sinbad seemed to draw closer to him. Breathing in again.

To Judar's immense relief, the king stayed silent again until they reached his quarters and Judar maneuvered them through the door and towards the bed.

He was so concentrated on this task, that he missed how Sinbad started to grin and when they stood in front of the mattress, the High King suddenly gripped his Magi tightly, letting himself fall, dragging the raven along with him.

In a tangled heap, they landed on top of the bed sheets and Sinbad laughed, suddenly feeling joyous and happy. In his drunken mind, he missed how Judar flinched before growing frigid and tense and how his hands fisted into Sinbad's clothes as he tried to calm himself.

Judar, meanwhile, felt his heart thundering painfully in his chest and a faint tremble caused him to feel lightheaded and feeble. His whole body was frozen in place while his mind deafeningly screamed at him to run, to get up and escape while he still could, his instinct of fight or flight almost kicking in.

But Judar remembered the words Ja'far had spoken, and suddenly he felt utterly helpless. He didn't know how to repay Sinbad's kindness…so if he wanted anything similar to the emperor…what right did he have to refuse?

Closing his eyes tightly, Judar felt Sinbad's arms still around him from where they had dragged him onto the bed, still holding onto him. Trying to get his trembling under control, the Magi felt a desperate, scared sound crawling up his throat. Pressing his lips and teeth together, he managed to mute the sound while he worked on keeping his breathing under control.

Sinbad, who stopped laughing and looked down onto the raven with a grin, halted when he saw the expression on his Magi's face, who suddenly looked paler than death.

Scared, nothing fit better. Afraid. And close to tears.

"Judar?" Carefully, Sinbad lifted a hand, letting it run through Judar's hair, feeling the raven jolt slightly from where he was pressed against him. "What is wrong?"

"What do you want?" Judar's voice sounded rough and breathless, almost as if he had forced those words out against his will.

Confused, the High King sat up, only to fall back with a groan as everything around him began to spin. Letting go of Judar completely, Sin pressed his hands against his face, trying to bring his muddled brain to cooperate with him.

"Damn, I drank too much", he mumbled, shaking his head slightly before he tried to sit up again. This time it worked better, even though his world still swayed dangerously. Blinking, Sin looked over to the Magi, who had scrambled up into a sitting position as well. Still, his whole body was tense.

"Why would I want anything? Oh, aside from something to drink, but that probably would be a bad idea and Ja'far will be furious…and strangle me if I can't work tomorrow…"

"That's not what I…" Judar stopped, biting his lip. "Is there a way for me to…do you…" His voice broke. He couldn't do it. It scared him deeply to even ask…even with the emperor, he NEVER asked if that monster wanted anything. There was nothing Judar would have ever been willing to give.

But here with Sinbad, it was different. Maybe it wouldn't be as painful or…Judar swallowed, feeling his body tremble in dread again. He didn't want to do it like this…he feared it…

"Judar?" When he got no answer, Sinbad sighed heavily. "This is a problem, you know. Talk to me. Oh, but do it when I am sober, drunk I would be of little use…or is there something you want to say right now?"

Swallowing hard, Judar stared at his hands that were fisted into the sheets. "Do you…want or expect me to…" He couldn't…he couldn't say or ask it! Judar froze when he felt hot tears welling up in his eyes, and he closed them desperately, trying hard to will them away. No tears, he harshly reminded himself. Tears only made everything worse!

Then suddenly, there was a warm hand on his shoulder and Judar flinched, opening his eyes sharply to see Sinbad leaning closer to him, a serious expression on his face.

"Whatever goes on in your head right now, don't think about it. Go to sleep if you can. We will talk about it tomorrow." Then Sinbad hesitated, the drunken haze in his golden eyes clearing a bit. "Or is it something you'd rather address now? I want you to trust me, Judar. I want to help you. Will you let me?"

Judar could only stare, couldn't help himself but feel awed for a moment. Then he lowered his gaze, quietly slipping into his part of the bed. Just how many times would Sinbad help him? Even just hearing this from him…Judar knew it was an unspoken promise that he wouldn't be touched, that his turmoil was noticed, as much as it made him feel lightheaded with anxiety and heavy with worry.

"I…please, not now I…I don't…" His voice grew quiet. "I don't want to lie to you."

"I see. Judar, can you look at me for a moment?" Slowly, Sinbad stretched out a hand when Judar didn't respond right away, placing his hand carefully and gently on his pale cheek. With a start, Judar looked up, his eyes wide and his body seemed tense, defensive. Sinbad noted it down, still too drunk to properly analyze it.

"I understand. It's okay, really." Sinbad smiled slightly, his eyes honest and full of warmth. Despite himself, Judar found his body relaxing a bit, his instinct to keep a defensive position slowly easing away. Then Sinbad blinked, pressing a hand suddenly onto his head, slightly tussling the violet bangs.

"Sorry I…damn, there were just suddenly two of you…I should go to sleep." Judar nodded, taking a deep, quiet breath to disperse his tenseness and anxiety.

Yawning, Sinbad clumsily shuffled around until he managed to get off his blanket and underneath it before closing his eyes. He was faster asleep than Judar had thought and quickly, quiet snoring filled the room.

Still sitting on his side of the bed, the Magi stared at the form of the High King, a slightly drawn silhouette in the dark of the night. Then slowly, carefully, he stretched out an arm until his fingertips came in contact with Sinbad's shoulder. For a moment, he allowed himself to feel the warmth of the king without feeling any of the negative things that liked to run through his body more often than he wanted them to. And Judar had to admit, that it felt slightly comforting…and warm. Most of all, it felt like gentle warmth. Slowly, he brought his whole hand in contact with Sinbad's shoulder.

Ja'far's words once again echoed hauntingly in his mind, and Judar closed his eyes, resolving to find a way to thank Sinbad. And there was one more thing ghosting through his thoughts, quiet and full of remorse. A thought that had been in his head since his talk with Ja'far and he found that he wished for a way to say it and make it sound like he truly meant it. Because he did. He wanted to tell Sinbad something, among the many things that he should talk about, it was the one that stood out at most at the moment.

I am sorry.


	10. Chapter Nine: Revelation

**My thanks in this chapter once again all go towards Frozen Peaches, who has helped me so much! Frozen Peaches, thank you so much for all you patience with me! And that you are willing to read chapters again and again without complaint! I can barely find words for how thankful I am for your help! So I thank you from the bottom of my heart!**

**Secondly, I wish all of you a Happy New Year! I hope the crossing into this new year went well for all of you! And I apologize for taking so long to get this chapter done. I do hope you enjoy reading it and that the contents make up for the long absence!**

**Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters.**

* * *

All was peaceful and calm in the early morning hours after the party.

That was until Judar awoke not because of his nightmares, but because of a heavy thing hitting the floor with a loud, dull thud. Startled wide awake he sat up quickly, only to realize that it had been Sinbad who had fallen out of the bed. A groan of pain was heard from the large figure beneath the blankets that had settled on the ground.

Slowly, Sinbad emerged, only to close his eyes against the rising sun. With another groan, he promptly slumped back into the shadow of the bed.

"I will never drink again…never…probably…ever…" Mumbling to himself, the king slowly got up, almost dragging himself across the room to the small table where a jug of water stood. Drinking some of it, Sinbad pressed his fingers against his head, massaging his temples. His clothes were disheveled and jumbled and his top slid from one of his shoulders without him noticing – or caring.

Judar exhaled, easing slightly before he got up quietly. And after a moment of consideration, he picked up the blankets of the High King, throwing them back onto the bed.

"Thanks." Sinbad's quiet voice caused Judar to look up to see that the king had turned around. Sinbad looked tired but awake and the smile he gave his Magi was warm. Then he slowly stretched and a small crack was heard across the room.

"I hope I didn't bother you while you slept. Sometimes when I am drunk, I am moving across the bed until everything is askew."

Judar slowly shook his head, his thoughts racing back to what happened before they fell asleep. His throat got dry and he felt his heart clench slightly. He knew that Sinbad remembered, or would remember. The king hadn't been drinking enough to have memory loss. And that meant, that he would insist to talk about it. "No. I…think you were very quiet."

After he had managed to fall asleep somehow, Judar really hadn't been disturbed by the king in any way. Still, his dreams hadn't been very pleasant. However, they also could have been much worse. Judar brushed his hands over his clothes and looked aside, avoiding eye contact with Sin. He didn't want to talk about last night yet…he wasn't ready…he didn't even know where to start or HOW to tell even the slightest, smallest part of the things tormenting him.

Sinbad rubbed over his face and opened his mouth to say something, when someone suddenly knocked on the door.

Confused, the king looked over. "Yes?"

The door opened slowly, revealing one of the guards. Bowing politely, the man turned towards Sinbad. "Good Morning, my king. General Ja'far sends me to tell you that he awaits you in the study. He asks if you could arrive as soon as possible."

For a moment, Sinbad looked troubled, before he breathed a silent sigh. "Of course. Tell him I will be on my way."

The guard bowed again. "I will. I apologize for disturbing you and the High Priest." Quietly, the man closed the door and left Sinbad and Judar in a slightly odd silence.

Sinbad felt like he had missed his moment to say anything and for a second he struggled to say anything at all, before breathing another sigh. This would have to wait then. And if Ja'far was already sending someone for him, then Sin had either overslept or it was something important. He turned towards Judar.

"I will go then. If there is anything you need, you can either tell one of the servants or one of the guards." Going towards his wardrobe, Sinbad halted for a moment. "And, if you are fine with it, I would like to talk with you later. About last night."

Judar swallowed but nodded. "Alright…" Still, his mind was racing. Could he avoid talking to Sinbad about it? It no longer felt fair, after all the things the king had done for him. If only Judar didn't feel so _scared_.

He was afraid of what Sinbad would think of him, say to him. What if it changed how the king treated him? What if he…by some cruel turn of fate, started to hate him? Or loathed him? Find him less than…clean, pure.

Judar felt his hands turn into fists and he started to feel cold. When Sinbad returned from getting dressed for the day, he halted and looked at his Magi.

"Judar? Is everything alright?" The worried tone of Sinbad's voice snapped Judar out of his swirling thoughts and he quickly nodded.

"Yeah. Just tired." He half lied. He was tired, yes, but only because he hadn't slept as much in the past night. If anything, he was very worried about the talk he would have with Sinbad later.

The High King hesitated for a moment before nodding. He really wished to stay to talk with Judar, but he knew that Ja'far waited for him.

"Then I will leave. You can come looking for me anytime though. Shouldn't we be in the study anymore, we will be in my office."

"I know." Judar straightened slightly and he tried to calm and hide his rising anxiety. "I will look for you should I want to."

More at ease, Sinbad nodded and left the bedroom to meet up with his advisor. No matter what Ja'far needed, Sinbad was pretty sure that this would become a long day.

Judar sat down on the bed as soon as the door closed behind the High King. His whole body felt powerless and slightly shaky. He took a deep and long breath, trying to get his head to work properly. Because somehow, his thoughts couldn't let go of the fact that Sinbad wanted to talk about everything. Every single bad thing he didn't know of. And that Judar feared to remember.

How, just how was he supposed to do it without letting go of every little secret? …or without breaking down?

Gritting his teeth, he sharply drew another deep breath before standing back up. He still had time; he had to look at it from this angle. Maybe there was a way to repay Sinbad for his kindness without having to drag his past out in the open. Not all of it at least. A little bit maybe, just as much as he could handle, but not more than that. It should be possible, right?

Calming slightly, Judar went to get changed, thinking about just WHAT he could tell Sinbad. He didn't want to lie to the king, he really didn't. However, how was he supposed to make Sinbad stop asking without telling him at least something? And how was he supposed to say it without sounding weak?

It also wasn't like Judar _wanted_ to talk about it – because he really didn't – but he felt like he owed it to Sinbad. And…it probably was better than…offering himself like he tried to last night.

At least the High King hadn't realized that Judar had once again tried to offer him sex in exchange for something. The first time it had been for information, for making amends. And yesterday…as an apology and as means to…to thank Sinbad for his kindness in the only way Judar knew of.

Taking a deep breath, Judar stood in front of the bed for a moment, staring at it absentmindedly. His hands still grew colder when he thought about what he had almost done the night before. Swallowing heavily, the Magi closed his eyes, trying to sort everything out in his head. He tried to think of a way to placate Sinbad without having to rip old and only recently slowly healing wounds open. Without having to relive his past.

However, his thoughts just wouldn't calm down and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find a solution that was satisfying. And with every passing second, Judar grew more and more restless, until he felt something snap inside of him. Annoyance and worry both clung heavily to him and he took another deep breath.

He had to get out of here. Not for long, just long enough so that he could sort his thoughts out better. And being here in the bedroom certainly didn't exactly help.

Retrieving his wand – he had gotten it back shortly after his necklace had been taken off – from a table at the side of the room, Judar tapped the tip against his leg, shifting restlessly. He wanted to take one of Sinbad's flying carpets and use it to get a bit of fresh air, to get a new view on everything. Being up high in the sky always helped him – especially now, since he finally could move around as freely as he had always wished to.

Nodding to himself, Judar left the king's quarters in search for the treasure rooms. He would find one of the carpets there and it also wasn't like they were used often. It shouldn't hurt if he borrowed one of them for a while.

Getting to the treasure rooms was pretty easy and the guards that crossed his path from time to time didn't seem to think much about him anymore. Judar really had to say, that the people in the castle accepted him more and more, day by day. And he was pretty sure, that Sinbad was quite a big part of that.

When Judar reached the treasure rooms, he slipped through the first door and looked over the shelves and shelves full of golden treasure. And not an ounce of dust…

Judar found the first carpet pretty easily, since it stood in a corner, rolled up and neatly tied together. Untying the carpet, he threw the roll over his shoulder and felt already better when his hands touched the fabric. He practically could feel the magic humming in the threads.

Once he was outside, he unrolled the carpet, easily jumping on it. A second later, he was up in the air and flew out of one of the huge windows opposite of him.

It helped. Even more than Judar had expected. With growing calmness he watched as the palace grew smaller and smaller beneath him and finally he could see the outline of the ocean that surrounded Sindria.

A stronger wind was blowing up here; strong enough to press his clothes flat against his body and push his bangs completely out of his face. It felt good. Freeing. Like the wind blew not only past him, but into him, through his soul, freeing him from some of the darkness, from some of the heaviness and fear.

His head felt clearer, but also a bit numb. Like it was too easy to not think of anything right now. Because it really was. Judar could easily just float around, not thinking about the world at all. He always used this method when he had been in the Kou Empire and when everything had become too much. When he couldn't stand the life he lived in.

But this was different. His whole situation was different now. However, it didn't change much about how he felt. He dreaded facing Sinbad – or rather, not Sinbad as a person, but his past. He feared what Sinbad would think if he knew even a part of what he hid. Would the High King hate him? Hopefully not. Despise him or find him disgusting? Again, hopefully not.

It was because Judar couldn't tell how Sinbad would react, that he partly dreaded it so much. The other part was that…he never opened up like this. In all his life he hadn't. And he also never had placed such trust in another person before.

It scared him.

Judar never counted on someone before, since no one had saved him when he was a child and no one had saved him since then. Judar was very sure that those bastards of Al-Tharmen had at least SOME idea what had happened to him behind closed doors.

Thinking back on it, they probably even found it somewhat good or practical, since it clearly helped a big deal in making his Rukh as black as it was today. After all, how could his Rukh be white, with so much resentment, hate, and disgust inside of him?

With so many negative things he tried to cope with, with the fear he fought with so desperately, to live his life as normally as he possibly could. To live as good as he possibly could.

So, suddenly relying on someone, telling someone…making himself vulnerable…was scary. More than scary. It was blood chilling and mind numbing, making his hands shake.

And yet, at the same time, he felt like he should say something to Sinbad. Like…he should trust him…prove that Sinbad wouldn't hurt him and stay with him.

Because, frankly, that was what Judar ultimately needed – what he secretly wanted.

Leaning back on the carpet, Judar let his gaze wander up to the sky, watching a big, fluffy cloud lazily float over him. For a moment he also stared at his Rukh, that was fluttering around him, being a mix of his emotions and their effort to sooth him as good as possible.

This wasn't easy and he just _knew_ that it would only become more difficult. But, deep down, he knew that he had already decided what to do.

He would tell Sinbad – not everything, just something. He would tell Sinbad a bit and see how he reacted, see if his trust was well placed. If it was, maybe he could tell a bit more at another time. Just enough so that he wouldn't lie to the High King.

Judar wanted to be honest. He felt like he owed Sinbad at least that much. And when he survived the talk later today, he would look for a means to thank Sinbad. To apologize to him for everything that had happened in the past.

Involuntarily, Judar's hands turned into fists and he grits his teeth. To think he had done all those things…he had been so influenced, so hopeful that war was what he needed, what he sought. And back then, Judar had also hoped that he would win his freedom somehow when they won the war. When the emperor had too much to gloat over, too many spoils of war to drool over to pay any attention to him, maybe then he could just quietly slip away. Out of sight, out of mind.

Who knew, that it wasn't a won but a lost war that would save him? Who knew it would be Sinbad of all people who would hold his hand out to him? That the older man would offer him a safe and respectable life, a free life?

Sighing, Judar rubbed a hand over his face, closing his eyes.

Yes, he trusted Sinbad. Yes, he wanted to tell him, even if it was mostly because he wanted to be honest with him and not because he wanted to drag up his painful past. And yes, it was terrifying to even think about it.

Still, he would do it. Even if it already felt like his heart wouldn't make it.

Not exactly happy with his decision, but more determined than he thought possible, Judar stayed in the air a while longer, using the calming effect of flying for as long as he could. When he felt like he should head back, he slowly lowered himself towards the palace, easily floating through the window he had left through.

It seemed like no one really missed the carpet, so he rolled the thing up rather sloppily and didn't bother with binding it. He would use it soon enough probably. Hey, maybe he could even keep it as his own if he asked.

It was only when he left the treasure room that his nerves started to really kick in. Taking a deep breath, Judar calmed his quickly beating heart down and forced his mind to stay as empty as possible. He already knew anyway that Sinbad would do all the asking and he would answer as truthfully as he possibly could.

Still, he couldn't bring himself to hurry to Sinbad's office at all. Instead, he rather took the longest route possible to get there. And if he was lucky, Sinbad would still be in the study, and that meant another unnecessarily long way. The more time he could buy, the better.

Furthermore, he hoped he didn't meet anyone who wanted to talk to him. He really wasn't in the mood for a conversation, since he barely kept a calm and straight face. Judar was nervous and with every passing corridor he felt his nerves rising and his hands growing colder and colder.

His Rukh flittered close to him and their voices helped him to force himself to stay as calm and collected as he could – not that that worked very well.

When Judar reached the busier parts of the castle, he slowed a bit down, listening to hear if one of the generals was around – he hoped not, as much as he started to become comfortable around them, he really wanted to get the conversation with Sinbad past him, nothing more and nothing less.

It was then when he turned around a corner that he saw that the doors of the library were partly open. And he heard Hinahoho's voice for a moment, before Ja'far answered. Hm…then Sinbad probably was in his office…

Taking out is wand, Judar floated up, easily passing over the door unnoticed – the corridor was luckily empty right now.

"Do you want to accompany us tomorrow?" This time he heard what Hinahoho said.

"I would like to. That is, if I am not disturbing you and your family."

Hinahoho laughed quietly for a moment. "You know she loved you as much as any of us. You always were a part of our family to begin with."

Curiously, Judar halted on the other side of the door, peeking past the open space just enough to see the two generals. Ja'far was putting away scrolls while Hinahoho simply seemed to keep him company at the moment.

Ja'far hesitated for a second, a small smile on his lips. "I know she always said and thought that. And I am glad that it was this way and that you guys gave me the family I always had hoped for. Still…" He seemed to search for the right words. "We usually go at another day, together with Sinbad and the others. Tomorrow…seems like it is the day for your family. To…mourn the loss of a wife and mother."

Hinahoho gently placed a hand on Ja'far's head for a moment, bowing down with a smile. "Then you have every right to come with us, don't you think?"

Quietly, Judar turned away, making sure his steps were silent. He felt like he had witnessed a special moment that was not meant for him. And as much as it left him with an odd and quiet feeling in his chest, he also wondered. What did it mean to have a family?

* * *

Sighing, Sinbad stretched his arms out before rolling his shoulders. Ja'far really had been merciless with him, making him cover all the work he had slacked off yesterday, on top of today's work – which he hadn't completed yet. And frankly, right now Sinbad already felt exhausted. Besides, his rumbling stomach kind of convinced him to take a break.

Leaving the study, the High King stopped one of the servants on his way to his office, asking the guy if he could tell one of the kitchen staff to bring some food up as soon as possible.

Sinbad felt already better just thinking about getting a good meal and continued on his way. It didn't take him long to reach the office, but he got quite a surprise when he unexpectedly found Judar standing in front of his desk.

The very same desk a magical blue necklace lied upon on. Yamuraiha must have brought it back after running some tests on it – she had borrowed the necklace for magical purposes this morning, saying she would return it later.

Sinbad closed the door behind himself, walking towards the raven. Judar looked up once Sinbad stepped up beside him. And there was something in those ruby eyes. Something he couldn't quite place and somehow…somehow Sinbad just knew that there was something Judar was keeping from him. And if he could trust his gut feeling – which was rarely wrong by the way – then it wouldn't be a small matter either.

Holding the most serious gaze he ever got from the Magi, Sinbad simply waited for him to make the first move.

"You kept it."

The king nodded solemnly. "I did. It was a condition that I would keep it around just in case when I took it off you. Now Yamuraiha thinks about dissecting it or something similar. We also want to see if we can get some sort of connection to Al-Tharmen from it." Judar still looked him straight in the eye, his oddly grave expression not changing. It looked like the Magi was thinking about something before speaking again.

"You wanted to talk to me today." Something in Judar's gaze changed and he broke their eye contact, looking towards the necklace. A small frown pulled at his face for a moment, before he smoothed the expression over.

For a moment, Sinbad hesitated. Yes, he very much wanted to talk to Judar, but he didn't want to force the raven. Secrets should only be shared willingly, especially if they made the Magi look like he was talking about dying. Or something painful.

"I do." Sin finally answered, nodding towards two chairs beside a small table at the side of the room. "Let's sit down." His work had to wait, this was more important. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time he worked well into the night – but it had been a while since the last time.

Once they sat down, Judar folded his hands into each other, gripping his fingers almost harshly. Then he took a deep breath. "The truth is, I don't want to talk about this. At all."

Sinbad was taken aback for a moment by the honesty of his Magi, before he became concerned with how Judar still avoided looking him in the eye. Or looking at him too much at all.

"You don't have to talk to me." Sinbad felt himself growing even more serious than before. "I want for you to confide in me, out of your own will and because you have grown to trust me." He slightly drew a deeper breath. "But the truth also is that I WISH to talk to you. I wish to know what is going on and I want to help you. Because, Judar, I do notice your nightmares." At that, Judar's head snapped up, his mortified gaze meeting Sinbad's calm one. The High King quickly lifted a hand. "Oh, I mean, you don't wake me up, don't worry. But I often enough witnessed them. And they haven't stopped, right?" Something akin to shame seemed to flicker across Judar's face and he shifted to look at the side again.

Sinbad's expression softened and he couldn't help the clenching of his heart in his chest. His voice came out gentler than before. "Judar, last night, what was going on? What were you trying to say?"

Judar swallowed heavily and quietly took a deep breath. His hands seemed to clench even more, his knuckles turning white. "The thing is…I…" Another frown crossed his face and this time, it stayed. "I…" Judar bit his lip, dragging a hand through his hair. Sinbad noticed with rising concern that the raven seemed to pale until his skin was almost white.

"Judar –"

"Please." Judar interrupted him, lifting a hand. Taking another breath he continued a bit more quietly. "Please, let me finish speaking."

Closing his mouth, Sinbad nodded, sitting up slightly straighter.

"I wanted to thank you, last night, I mean." Judar sounded like he tested the words out himself, like he was unsure he was saying it correctly. "You…I guess you don't even realize what…how, just how much you have helped me."

This time, Judar looked up and Sinbad felt his breathing stop for a moment when he saw the barely concealed emotions swirling in those ruby orbs. "Judar…"

"I talked to Ja'far at the party and he was right about a few things, you know? Like, I haven't even told you once that I am grateful, that…that I am even…" His voice grew so quiet, Sinbad almost didn't catch the next words. "I am sorry for so much."

Before the king could even move, Judar continued, hurried, like it would be easier to get everything out like this. "I know, I know how I have been, believe me, I didn't just simply forget everything." In fact, Judar didn't forget a single thing. His words, his actions, were ringing more clearly than ever through his head. "And the least I can do from now on is being as honest with you as possible. But…" He hung his head, his hands starting to tremble. "I don't know if I _can_."

Sinbad mulled about this for a moment, before he moved closer towards the raven. "Judar, can you look at me, please?"

It took the raven a few seconds until he could comply with the request. His red eyes were somewhat guarded, like he prepared himself for something invasive or bad. Sadness welled up in Sinbad, along with a little stinging pang in his chest.

"Relax", he almost whispered. "Judar, the last thing I want to do is force you to do anything. Or to hurt you. Can you believe me in this?"

"I want to." Judar ground out, holding Sinbad's painfully honest gaze with difficulty. "I really, really want to, believe me. It's just…I never had someone to rely on." There, a small part of the big, horrible truth was out. And…Judar almost didn't dare to accept how relieving it was to get rid of a bit of the burden. To place it with someone he…trusted.

Sinbad, meanwhile, understood just how heavy the implication was behind that sentence. "Judar, what are you afraid of the most right now?" At this question, the raven could no longer hold the eye contact. His body seemed to tense up impossibly.

"I am afraid that you will hate me. I am afraid that I will…tell you things." He paused for a long, heavy moment, before finally continuing in a whisper. "I am afraid that I am not strong enough for this."

A knock on the door broke the silence before Sinbad could answer. Sighing quietly, the king gave the permission for the other person to enter – he already knew what it would be about. And really, like he had requested earlier – his hunger was more than forgotten by this point – was food delivered to his office. The only relief was that the servant quickly left after placing the meal down on Sinbad's table, excusing himself quietly and closing the door behind him.

Turning his attention back to Judar, Sinbad hesitated for a moment. The truth was that he still had no real clue what was going on. He still could only puzzle over what it could be without being sure. There was just this one thing he had to be sure of before he would continue questioning his Magi.

"Judar, I would like to know what it is that makes you afraid, that keeps you from sleeping well. Do you think you could tell me if I asked?"

A short, humorless laugh escaped the raven. His shoulders slumped. "It isn't about if I can tell you, Sinbad. I…can't refuse you in this. Not after everything you have done for me –"

"Yes, you can." Sinbad almost regretted using a harsher tone when he saw how Judar tensed up. Calming down, he continued. "I want you to forget everything I have or haven't done. Just like I want you to forget what you have or haven't done, be it now or in the past." But he knew even while he talked, that it wouldn't be easy. "Besides, I already told you, didn't I? Protect this country together with us; that is all the compensation I ever want."

"How can that be enough…"

Leaning back in his seat slightly, the High King thought about his next words carefully. "I…want you to know, Judar, that I have long forgiven anything you have done."

"Even after all I did? And after how I ridiculed you for even thinking about offering help to me the last time I broke into Sindria?"

Somehow, Sinbad couldn't help the feeling that this issue was bigger for Judar than he had thought at first. Then all of a sudden, a horrible realization dawned on him. That first night in his tent, back then when Judar had just been handed to him…trying to compensate whatever he did with…well, offering his body…

"Judar…" Sinbad found his voice impossibly gentle and – just like he hoped – without any condemnation. "Did you try to offer yourself last night? Like you did when Kou lost the war?"

His heart ached all over when he saw Judar tensing up, completely avoiding even a look in his direction. The truth was, the king wasn't sure what to make of this, what to think of it. Only that…

"Was that what you also did in Kou?"

With a quick, almost fluid movement, Judar was up and out of his seat, nervously pacing. He looked torn between running away and staying. By now he was even paler than before, as pale as one would imagine a ghost to be.

Sinbad, meanwhile, was frozen in place. Every muscle of his body was pulled taunt and tense as his mind finally snapped some parts of this puzzle into place. That was, if he was right about everything. But how could he not be? His hands twitched, balling into fists, before the king found the rational part of himself again, forcing his body to relax slowly.

He had no time right now to get angry or upset, not with Judar becoming frantic and looking so…so scared. Still, it pained Sinbad to even voice his next question.

"Judar, were you, at any point, forced to do this?"

Judar stopped dead in his tracks, his whole body tense and twitching like he was fighting the urge to run. Then, all of a sudden, all strength seemed to seep out of his body and he looked more fragile than ever before. His gaze became haunted and pained.

"You…weren't supposed to find out. You were supposed to be as stupid as I always wanted you to be…" Judar's breathless voice sounded cracked, as if he was either close to tears or like he was close to breaking down.

For a long, cruel moment, Sinbad felt like he forgot how to breathe. Like the world suddenly turned the other direction, hitting him full force in the chest. His mind was numb, only processing slowly that yes, indeed, his sudden, horrible hunch had been right.

And now everything made sense in its own twisted, cruel way. The flinching, the nightmares, the first sleepless nights of Judar, the suspicion and that constant nagging feeling at the back of Sinbad's mind that yes, something was wrong. He just hadn't known how terribly wrong.

It was only when Judar glanced at him and their eyes met, that he realized how silent the younger one had become. And that look in Judar's eyes seemed to shatter him to the ground, leaving him to realize just how vulnerable the raven was right now. How scared and lost and afraid. Suddenly, his comment about having no one to rely on felt so much sharper and colder.

Slowly, Sinbad extended his hand towards Judar, watching how his red eyes followed the movement with mixed feelings. He had never seen the Magi this open with his feelings before.

"It's okay." Not even Sinbad himself was sure what exactly he meant with that. "Judar, please tell me what you think right now…" Because he had no clue. Despite seeing so many emotions on his face, Sinbad had no clue what he should do next.

"You don't hate me." It wasn't a question, but it was uttered with such disbelief, it almost caused Sinbad to leap up from his seat to crush the Magi against his chest, never letting him go again. "You…you don't find me…despicable…?"

"Never." Sinbad found his own voice cracking slightly around the edges, sounding rougher. "What makes you think that this would change you in my eyes? If anything, I see that you…that you are so much stronger than I thought you were…"

A first, hesitant step was placed in his direction and the king found his resolve hardening. He wouldn't let Judar down on this, no matter how much he himself still felt shaken up.

"I never wanted it…" Judar's voice broke at the end as hope and fear seemed to battle themselves in his mind, being given away by his eyes.

"You never had a choice, right?" At Sinbad's gentle words, Judar placed another tense step in his direction.

"No…I didn't…even know…didn't understand…" The Magi inched closer again, daring to take another step as his body started to tremble. He was close now. So much closer…

"It's over now." Sinbad found himself whispering, unable to look away from those shiny, red eyes. Eyes that seemed to ask what Judar couldn't bring himself to. "You're safe here." The hope seemed to grow stronger. "You are safe."

Another step and Judar was in front of him. But now, his body seemed rooted to the spot, tense and shaking, his hands in fists by his side. "I don't ever want to go back."

"You don't have to. Never again." Sinbad raised his hand carefully, slowly, lightly touching the curve of Judar's shoulder. "You don't have to worry anymore. It's okay."

A trembling hand came up to grip the hand the king still had stretched out, holding on tightly with ice cold fingers.

"I promise", Sinbad said seriously. "No one will ever hurt you like this again."

Judar closed his eyes, his body still tense. Then he bowed down a bit, pressing his hand against his face without letting go of Sinbad.

"You weren't supposed to know…" His voice shakily said.

"I know." Hesitantly, then slowly, Sinbad stood up, careful not to startle the raven. "But now I know. And I won't let you down. Tell me how to be of help, Judar."

"I don't know. I don't know what to do now that you know." The Magi sounded as if he was crying, still hiding his face behind his hand.

"Then, what do you think about figuring it out as we go?" Sinbad reached out with his free hand, gently running his fingers through soft, black hair. Relief washed through him when Judar didn't flinch. Then his voice grew serious. "Rely on me. Lean on me. And if you want to, trust me. I won't leave you alone in this, with this."

A shuddering breath caused the body of the raven to tremble before he let his head come into contact with Sinbad's shoulder, still tense, still ready to pull away.

"I want to…I want to trust you…"

"Then do it. I will prove to you however long necessary that you won't regret it."

For the longest, heaviest moment he got no answer. Judar stayed completely still, aside from his tense body trembling slightly. And then, when Sinbad almost thought it to be over, did the tenseness slowly seep out of Judar. A second later, Sinbad got his answer in a quiet voice that seemed to have gained a bit of ground back again.

"Okay."


	11. Chapter Ten: Talking

**I hope very much that I didn't let you guys wait too long for this chapter. I also thank Frozen Peaches from the bottom of my heart for her help this time again. For reminding me of things, suggesting things and ultimately helping me along when I was ready to strangle serveral charakters, because it got pretty difficult to write. This chapter wasn't easy, the conversation wasn't easy to write so I hope I managed to do it well.**

**I also thank all of you for supporting this story, for making me happy to write and post it. Thank you for being a huge motivation when it comes to this story - even if it gets difficult at times. I also would like to remind you - since it seemed it got lost between the chapters - that if you wish for me to respond to your reviews, mention it in them. This way I know you would like to chat a little or ask things or generally discuss stuff.**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

**Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters**

* * *

Sinbad knew he should go to sleep. It was night already and he had done all his work for today. Still, he found he couldn't move. His whole body felt heavy and his chest gave him the impression that his heart suddenly weighed more than all his treasures together.

It was because he couldn't stop thinking about Judar, about the things he had found out today. Gritting his teeth, the High King drew a deep breath, trying to fight down the feelings that were rising in him like burning acid. Unfortunately, it barely helped against his anger…and his guilt. Because now, looking back, Sinbad can clearly see the instances where he most likely had scared Judar, or had forced him to think that he…had to do those things that hurt him all over again.

He suddenly regretted that he hadn't taken Judar's blue necklace off sooner. He didn't even want to begin to imagine how the Magi must have felt during this time.

Tightening his hands into fists against the wood of his desk, Sinbad tried to calm his swirling emotions. A part of him wanted to jump into one of his most powerful Djinn-Equips, to race across the sea and find every single one of those Al-Tharmen bastards to crush and grind them into the ground until the earth was deep red with their spilled blood. And he wanted to find those who hurt Judar directly even more.

Another part of him wanted to sink into self-loathing, whispering over and over that he should have seen something, should have realized it, should have understood it, and should have said something sooner.

And amidst the two parts of him, that made him want to burn the world down and made him want to apologize to Judar until his voice gave out, was the last, small part, that left him hanging in the air.

Because despite his vast knowledge, despite his power, Sinbad didn't know how to help. Oh, he knew about the things he would have to talk to Judar about, things he had to clear up. And past that…he wanted to help Judar, he wanted to grow closer to his Magi, and damn, if anything, Sinbad wanted to _be_ with him.

However, now that he knows about the raven's past, what should he do? Should he keep his distance? Ask Judar what he wanted?

Dragging a hand through his purple hair, Sinbad tried to calm down as he closed his eyes, only to see Judar's scared face in front of him, to practically feel the shaking in those pale hands. And then he remembered how Judar's voice had sounded broken, how the words sounded like they were cutting up his throat on their way out.

The dark, dangerous, and violent feeling flared in Sinbad's chest again, licking and clawing like flames made of blood and bones, born from hatred and dark anger.

Gritting his teeth, Sinbad felt his whole body tense, as he fought to get those feelings back under control. He shouldn't let himself be controlled like this. Ever since his curse, these feelings rose far too easily in him.

This time however, Sinbad was sure that he would have felt this way even without the annoying, stupid curse. And since he knew what happened if he let the darkness reign in him, he forced himself to change his way to look at things.

Oh, he still wanted to rip Al-Tharmen limb from limb and he still felt like setting them all on fire to find out who had done these vile things to his Magi.

Now though, he focused on what he wanted to DO from now on to make Judar's life better. Sinbad knew he wanted to protect the Magi, fiercely too. Still, he knew it wouldn't be enough. He had to look for a solution, for Judar to be able to overcome his nightmares.

First, he probably should have another talk with the Magi, talk to him about what he wanted to do from now on. Maybe Judar had an idea what could be done to help him.

Rubbing a hand over his tense jaw, Sinbad stopped when he suddenly heard a knock on the door.

"Yes, enter please." He called out, only to blink in surprise when Masrur stepped into his office. "Masrur, you're still here? I thought Sharrkan wanted to go out partying with you and Pisti."

The Fanalis stayed silent for a moment, his red eyes calmly taking in even the smallest detail about his king. Sinbad sighed, knowing there was no way he could ever hide anything from his friend.

"I declined the offer", Masrur finally spoke up, walking towards Sinbad's desk. "Is everything alright?"

For a moment, Sinbad was silent, before he wavered and placed his head in his hands with a long groan. "No, Masrur, I fear not." Rubbing his hands over his cheeks, Sinbad looked up again. Masrur stood silently, waiting for his king to elaborate.

"Take a seat." Sinbad waved towards the chair at his side, which Ja'far had occupied before they had finished their work a while ago. Only a small shuffling and creak was heard as Masrur sat down, still waiting patiently.

"I…fear I can't tell you many details, since it isn't my place to talk about…it. However…" Sinbad turned towards the redhead, his golden eyes giving away how torn he felt. "I wish to talk about it. It is about Judar." Masrur nodded slightly. He had a feeling it would be about the Magi and Masrur couldn't help himself, he felt concern bubbling up inside of him. For both the Magi and his king.

"I got behind what…bothers Judar today." Sinbad continued, his hands twitching slightly as he resisted the urge to curl them into fists, his face set into a carefully controlled, serious expression. "I…wish I could tell you exactly what it is, but I don't want to do that without checking with Judar first that he is alright with that."

And Sinbad would bet his right hand that Judar didn't want anyone else to find out. However, the king could talk about _his_ side after all, right? Even if it didn't help him in coming up with solutions, it may help with sorting out his thoughts better, calming the storm in him.

"I have to admit that I am…quite unhappy." The deadpan look Masrur gave him told Sinbad everything he needed to know. The Fanalis knew that he was more than simply unhappy. Sighing, the king leaned back in his chair. Now that he started talking, he had to admit that it was difficult to find words for how he felt without talking about the whole picture.

The High King looked down at his fingers, stretching them slowly. "I wish this was easier…" Sinbad had to admit that it was at least easier to keep his feelings under control with Masrur around. His friends always had that effect on him. Their presence was…soothing, calming, and reassuring. Without them, he definitely wouldn't be where he was today.

Masrur nodded, still waiting for Sinbad to get everything out properly. For a long moment, silence reigned over the room as Sin mulled over what to say without giving Judar's secret away – and that was one hell of a task.

"Sinbad…" Sin looked up surprised when Masrur spoke up. "Maybe you should talk to Judar about this, instead of me."

Groaning, Sinbad dragged a hand through his purple hair once again. "I know. I just…" Gesturing, Sinbad tried to form this mix of emotions inside of him into words. And there was also the fact that he felt like he should give Judar his space and…was he still welcome near the Magi? Maybe Judar wanted to keep his distance for a while…

The king snapped out of his thoughts when Masrur stood up and offered his king a hand. Kindness shone in those red eyes of the Fanalis. "Come. Or do you think things will clear themselves when you think about them?" Masrur tilted his head ever so slightly to show he left the decision to Sinbad.

Giving his friend an exhausted smile, Sinbad grabbed the offered hand and felt himself pulled to his feet in one strong, almost graceful motion.

"You're right. I guess I…just have to face this." Even if the thoughts about Judar's past still brought something dark inside of him to raise its head. However, Masrur was right. By staying in his office and thinking it through, he wouldn't get any answers to how things were to go from now on.

* * *

Judar's mind felt strangely empty, sitting here on the bed he shared with Sinbad. His body both light and heavy and all thoughts seemed to evade him like fleeting shadows. Silently, the Magi stared at the Rukh flying in front of him. Their chirping seemed like it came from far away. Somewhat muted.

Judar blinked, trying to understand something past the muddled feeling in his brain. And at the same time, he didn't want to leave this state, didn't want to think. Being like this left him blessedly blank and for once, his worries and fears seemed to have lost their voices.

A part of him wondered if he had fallen into some sort of shock or if he had snapped completely now. Another part of him was vaguely aware that he had already experienced this state of mind in the past, mostly when things had gotten too much.

Judar let his gaze wander from the Rukh to the window, watching the darkness of the night.

Where was Sinbad?

Judar snapped out of his trance as soon as that quiet, almost lazy thought popped up. His whole body grew tense and he buried his hands in his hair. Oh, by all the Rukh in the world! Just how did Sinbad figure out his secret? Had Judar really been this obvious? Could other people also figure it out themselves?

No, Judar calmed himself as best as he could. Only Sinbad knew about these parts of him…and thinking back he could see where he had given the king the right hints.

Taking a deep breath, Judar drew up his knees and let his head fall against them. He had screwed up big time and now…now that everything was out in the open…he felt like he was left hanging in the air. What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to act? What did Sinbad expect? What was right to do?

Judar didn't want to talk about his past. Not at all. And he feared that the king would ask him about it even more specifically, now that he knew.

And Judar knew he wouldn't be able to get so much as two sentences out. It had taken all he had had not to flee when he had talked with Sinbad earlier today. He still remembered how close he had been to breaking down. His head had been swimming, his ears had been ringing, and he barely had been able to stay on his feet when Sinbad had asked him about Kou. He had felt like invisible hands had tried to choke him, wringing every breath out of his body.

A shiver ran through Judar at the memory and he closed his eyes, trying to think about something different. He felt tired, exhausted after today's ordeal. Nonetheless, he couldn't sleep. Sinbad hadn't appeared yet and…Judar felt so clueless about where they stood with each other.

Could it be that he had actually chased the High King away somehow? With his words? If it was because of his past, Judar wouldn't know what to do. He couldn't change it, had never asked for it, never wanted it. He could put the world upside down and freeze time over with his powers, but it wouldn't change a thing about what had happened.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Judar dug his hands into the soft fabric of his pants. He felt light touches of the Rukh, as they fluttered closer to him, probably swarming closer together, as if they could shield him from everything.

The truth was, Judar had been powerless even with them around. He was lost to his past even with their chirping and his nightmares held him in tight clutches that their light touches couldn't break.

However, they kept him going, gave him strength and stayed with him, no matter where Judar was and how he felt. Feeling the Rukh made him believe that he had a connection with the world. And sometimes they gave him the feeling that he was powerful enough to break free from anything.

A sudden chirping and fluttering snapped Judar from his thoughts, and a second later he realized that he could hear steps coming towards the door.

For a moment he sat there, frozen, his heart slamming against his ribcage. Then he released his breath and forced his legs down, trying to seem like he wasn't worried about what would happen next.

Barely three seconds later, the steps halted in front of the door and it was pushed open. Sinbad stepped into the room, a contemplative, serious look on his face.

That look was quickly replaced by surprise when golden eyes met worried red ones.

"You are still up?" For a moment, Sinbad hesitated before he closed the door behind him and also closed the distance to the bed. Sitting down on his side, the king kept the eye contact and Judar just knew that they would have another talk, right now.

"Judar, can I ask you a few things?"

Giving up on trying to look nonchalant, Judar pulled his knees up again and nodded slightly, looking down on his knees. "Yeah, I…also would like to talk to you…" His voice was quieter than he expected. Clearing his throat slightly, Judar tried to ignore how fast his heart was beating. Or how worry caused his stomach to end up in knots. And his hands felt so cold again…

Sinbad smiled slightly. "That's good." He paused, seemingly searching for the right words. "First of all, would you like to have your own room?"

Judar felt like he froze up. What? He hadn't expected that. And to tell the truth…it kind of stung. Was Sinbad kicking him out? Resisting the urge to either bite his lip or his tongue, Judar hesitated for a moment, before he opened his mouth, trying to find the right words. The king didn't want him around? Why? For what reason?

"Why do you ask? Am I bothering you?" Yet, at the same time he wondered. Would he like to have his own room?

"Oh no, that is not what I meant!" Sinbad quickly tried to reassure him. They had more to sort out than he thought at first. "This arrangement had been for the beginning, we hadn't planned on keeping you in my room forever. So, I actually get to do now what was planned for a while. What do you say?"

Judar found himself actually shrugging. "Why not?" Then Sinbad would also not witness any more of his nightmares. And who knew, maybe getting his own space would help in calming his nights and his sleep.

"Alright, then I will ask the servants to prepare a room for you tomorrow." Sinbad seemed a bit absentminded for a moment, before he brought his focus back to Judar. His golden eyes suddenly held remorse and regret. "I am sorry."

Startled, Judar blinked, looking up and meeting Sinbad's eyes. "What…I mean, what for?" Why was Sinbad apologizing? If anyone needed to, it was Judar who had a lot of compensation to do.

Sinbad slipped out of his shoes, to sit on the bed properly, turning fully towards Judar. "I am sorry for…not realizing things sooner. I am sorry for my behavior the night before and…I am sorry I couldn't help you sooner...even before the war."

For a moment, Judar felt so baffled that he could only look at the High King. No one…no one ever apologized to him about…something so big. Then again, he also never told anyone…

Averting his gaze again, Judar found himself fidgeting with the hem of his pants for a moment. He wanted to say something, yet it felt like the words were lying on his tongue, heavy like lead. Judar swallowed, forcing himself to finally open his mouth.

"I…you…it is okay. You didn't really do anything wrong." Quiet shuffling caused Judar to glance sideways. Sinbad had moved a bit closer, crossing his legs in front of him. His long hair was falling over his shoulders and his gaze still held silent remorse…and something akin to sadness.

"Judar, I still would like to…" Sinbad dragged a hand through his bangs. "I feel like I owe you a big apology, for scaring you before…and for scaring you last night. I shouldn't have done that."

"But you didn't know." Judar found that his voice sounded quiet and small. He glanced up, meeting Sinbad's eyes and holding the contact. "How were you supposed to know if…I never told you. Besides…logically thinking, I guess I did know that you wouldn't have done anything to me. You truly have never done anything to hurt me. I…started to trust you in this regard."

Sinbad felt his eyes grow a bit wider in surprise. He hadn't expected that. Judar, meanwhile, looked like he struggled to keep the eye contact up.

"I started trusting you." This time, Judar's voice sounded stronger and more sure of himself. Like those words grounded him – and they probably did.

"I want to help you." The Magi was surprised by the slight…desperation or maybe pleading in Sinbad's voice. "Is there anything I could do for you?"

Judar found he drew a blank. He had lived his life this way for so long…and he had no knowledge at all on how to make things better. Was there even a way? At times, he didn't believe it. Especially when his past and his memories were clinging to him like glue, floating through his head like poisonous mist, clogging up his thoughts and stealing his breath away. He didn't believe in getting better when his nightmares made him feel like his mind was cracked up like glass that had been hit by something hard.

And then, there were times when he desperately hoped he could get better. It often felt like it were these times that held him together, when he felt like cursing the world into the ground and clawing his skin off his body.

"I don't know." Judar's mouth felt dry and his voice sounded…odd. Raspy. "I…just want to forget everything." It took him everything in this moment, to not avert his gaze. He wanted to be strong enough; he really wanted to be strong enough for this. He wanted to be able to face Sinbad.

He was so tired of shrinking and flinching away. So sick of it.

Sinbad looked thoughtful for a moment. "Since I doubt you want anyone else to know…" Judar nodded his head and Sinbad continued. "Then, how about we start with the things you want. What do you want to change, Judar?"

This was hard. Somehow, just thinking about answering that question felt like Judar had to open himself up on a completely new level. It was…so foreign to the Magi to place his wishes, or his hope in someone. It felt like those things were just as close to his heart as his secret. Just as difficult to talk about.

"I…don't want to be afraid anymore." Slowly, hesitantly, Judar started to talk, his gaze slightly absentminded, as he tried to figure things out in his mind. "I want to leave everything behind me, be done with it. I want to sleep peacefully." His hands closed around the hem of his pants, forming fists. And now he also broke the eye contact, slightly lowering his head. "I want to be free from it."

For a moment, Judar wondered if Sinbad would ever understand how difficult it was to get these words out, to open himself like this. He took another deep breath and lifted his head again, looking towards the far away wall.

"And I want to stop worrying about how much I can trust you." Tensely, Judar waited for a response from Sinbad, his heart beating fast and strong in his chest. It was an odd mix of anxiety and reluctant, quiet…hope. To feel hope that Sinbad would help him, not turn away from him, was foreign. And it wasn't unwanted. If anything, it was welcome, better than the negative things.

"Judar, how far do you want to trust me?" Sinbad's words sounded careful, as if he wanted to make sure they couldn't be misunderstood. That he got them right.

"I…want to trust you to the point where I don't have to think about what you think of me, and what you might do next. I want to trust you…completely. And I feel like…I can. It's just…just so difficult."

"I understand that." Surprised, Judar turned to look at Sinbad, who rubbed a hand over his chin. "You have cultivated that sort of thinking for a long while, right?" To tell the truth, Judar couldn't remember a time when he didn't watch people carefully, keeping an eye on their current moves and quietly calculating what they might do next. It had always happened so quickly and flawlessly easy, it didn't even take a conscious effort for Judar to do it. It was a habitual reflex.

His silence was enough of an answer for Sinbad. "It will be difficult to change that, I think you have to be patient with yourself. Aside from that, is there anything I can do to make you trust me more? Are there any actions that trigger these thoughts?"

For a long moment, Judar mulled over those questions, before sighing. "I…will tell you if there is something you can do. As for the trigger…I guess it happens as soon as someone wants something from me. Or plans something that involves me."

Judar felt slight awe, when he realized that it became easier to talk about these things. Sinbad's understanding for him, his wish to understand the parts he couldn't figure out himself…they settled Judar, gave him the feeling that it was safe to open up in front of the High King.

It wasn't completely comfortable yet, but it was safe. And safe was more than he had expected out of this.

So, lifting his head, he sneaked a peek at Sinbad and paused when he saw the hidden worry in those golden eyes. Sighing, Judar realized that there was something else he had to get out, not only for himself, but also for Sinbad.

"Don't…treat me any different." Sinbad looked up surprised when he heard those words. His golden eyes met serious ruby ones that seemed a tad bit darker than usual.

"I mean it", Judar continued. "I…don't want you to treat me like something that will break at any moment." He didn't think that he could take it. The last thing Judar wanted Sinbad to do was to tread carefully around him, as though he would lash out at any moment or crumble into a crying, self destructive mess. "It…it's enough if we continue like before. I want to settle into a normal life. Just…" Judar bit his lip slightly before he took a deep breath, reading himself to reveal more of the things that would give the king hints towards what was done to him more explicitly. "Don't sneak up on me and suddenly grab me from behind, or anything similar. I can't stand that."

"I understand, I won't do that." Sinbad nodded seriously. Then he hesitated. He had another question for the raven, one that he held closer to his heart than he wanted to admit. Still, it felt like he had to ask it. He had to know, no matter how difficult it was to get the words to leave his mouth. "Judar, about me touching you, is that welcome? And how far?"

The Magi blinked, surprise written over his features for several moments. Then he slowly uncurled, turning towards Sinbad and knelt on the bed in front of the king. Their eyes met and Sinbad realized that Judar was searching for something in his gaze, before he slowly stretched out his hand.

Warmth spread through Sinbad's chest when Judar carefully and lightly touched the kings arm, his fingertips brushing over soft fabric. They were close enough that Sinbad could hear Judar swallow.

"I don't think I will mind…" Judar withdrew again, still keeping the eye contact with Sinbad. "Your touch doesn't…make me feel trapped. As long as you don't drag me anywhere...I'm not comfortable with that."

"Alright." Sinbad felt something in him ease and he suddenly felt a little bit better about the things between them. Shifting slightly, he remembered another thing he had to talk to Judar about. "The things you and Ja'far talked about, what did he say?"

Judar sighed, dragging a hand through his dark hair. "He is still wary of me.", was the first thing he found himself saying. Sinbad nodded, having thought so much already. "He…actually only wants the best for you. He says he doesn't know if he can trust me and if I even regret anything I did." Judar lowered his eyes to look at his hands. "He asked me if I even understood how much I owed you, that you took me in despite everything that I have done in the past." He looked back up to meet gentle golden eyes. "Thank you for that, Sinbad."

A small, soft smile played along Sinbad's lips, his gaze warm. "You're welcome, Judar. Besides, don't you think that people deserve a second chance?"

Judar's first impulse was to answer with a no. In his opinion, there were people who didn't deserve second chances. They didn't deserve life itself.

But then he thought that Sinbad probably meant it differently and for a second he tried to look at things from a different angle. If he was in Sinbad's shoes, would he have given someone like him a second chance? He wasn't sure if he would.

"Furthermore", Sinbad continued, his face and voice completely serious. "You don't owe me anything. I did these things because I _wanted_ to. It has nothing to do with indebting you or anything of the sort." If anything, Sinbad wanted Judar to be and stay in Sindria because he wanted it so himself. Not because of some twisted reason, like debt or his past.

It still didn't really help with alleviating Judar's guilt, even though he felt thankful that Sinbad was accepting him so easily. And maybe there would be an incidence in the future, where Judar could be of help and then he could start repaying the kindness which was given to him so gallantly and selflessly.

"I see…" Judar didn't know what else he could say. Sinbad gave him a small smile, even though it wasn't as shining or bright as it usually was. Instead it felt…understanding. Simple, warm, and just for Judar. It was this moment that Judar realized, that he had seen sides of Sinbad that not a lot of people got to know – only those close to him. It…warmed his heart in a way he wasn't sure he understood.

For a moment, comfortable silence hung between them, before Sinbad shifted and cleared his throat a bit. "What do you say, should we go to sleep?"

Judar shrugged, knowing that it probably was for the best when they didn't want to get up sleep deprived the next morning. "Why not?"

So they shifted, Judar taking off his jewelry and setting his wand aside while Sinbad took off his Djinn containers. Then they both slipped under the blankets and it got quiet in the big bedroom.

And…for the first time, Judar didn't feel like he was alone in facing his nightmares. That…no matter what happened, Sinbad would be there for him. Either be it through waking him up or calming him down afterwards.

So Judar closed his eyes, more relaxed than before. Because really, Sinbad's presence had become more safe than anyone else's.

Sinbad, however, couldn't manage to fall asleep, even when Judar's breathing evened out. Instead, he laid awake, staring at the ceiling while he replayed everything that had happened today.

Then he quietly turned to face Judar, who looked the most peaceful in a long while. Gently, Sinbad stretched out his hand and very softly, very lightly, brushed a strand of black hair from the Magi's face.

And in the quiet of the night, with a gentle, warm breeze that wafted through open windows, did Sinbad realize just how big the presence of the Magi was in his heart.

The smile that then found its way on Sinbad's face was both gentle and sad. Because he was faced with something he had tried to…well, he hadn't been overly keen on paying attention to it – especially now, with these new revelations.

He had fallen for Judar. He had fallen in love with the ruby eyed, black haired Magi that used to love to play pranks and had a more torn and wounded heart than one would ever expect.

And Sinbad knew he loved these parts tenderly, just like the rest of Judar. It was new to the king, new and…welcome. It made him feel the most alive ever since he stopped going on adventures.

* * *

**Is the ending here okay? What do you think about it? I hope it is okay.**


	12. Chapter Eleven: Sleeping

**I very much apologize for the long wait on this chapter! I hope the content can make up for it. My heartfelt thanks go out to Frozen Peaches, who once again has helped me to get the best out of this chapter.**

**And I wanted to thank you all, who read, like and comment on this story. I don't know if you know it, but it really helps me keeping my spirits up and keep writing it. I thank you all very much for that. That this story exists and continues to exist is all thanks to you.**

**Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters.**

* * *

It was odd, Judar concluded, that he couldn't find any of the generals or Sinbad. It wasn't as though he needed something from them or there was something urgent. It was just…strange, that when he for once decided to ask Yamuraiha something about transfer magic, she wasn't around.

Sinbad also was neither in his study nor in his office. And no matter where Judar went, none of the generals crossed his path. Maybe he should have attended breakfast, instead of making it a game of sneaking into the kitchen to get himself something sweet – after everything that had happened yesterday, he really felt like eating sweets. They made him feel better after particularly stressful events.

So when he returned from sneaking sweets out of the kitchen, Sinbad and the generals were…well, not around. At least nowhere Judar could see or find them.

That is, until he rounded a corner and caught a glimpse of Yamuraiha and Sharrkan in the gardens, standing beside a small fountain. But what really caused Judar to halt in his tracks, was their Rukh. He usually – if he's honest – didn't really pay that much attention to the Rukh of other people, all he saw was if it's black or not.

However, the Rukh between Yamuraiha and Sharrkan … it looked somewhat _pink_. What the…

Judar stepped closer to the window, leaning slightly out of it to get a closer look. It was true, the white Rukh had a pink glow about it…however, what was just as surprising was that Yamuraiha and Sharrkan actually and quite normally talked. No fights, no arguing, no childish quarreling.

Judar hasn't lived here as long as the other generals did, but he very well knew that those two idiots argued more often than not. And just what did it mean that their Rukh was…pink?

"Judar?" The raven was drawn out of his confused thoughts when he heard Sinbad's voice. Seriously? Here Judar had been prowling through the corridors for what felt like hours – even if he did know that it really hadn't been that long – without finding _anyone_, and now Sinbad was just casually coming towards him? Something is seriously wrong with this castle…

"Is everything alright?" Sinbad stopped in front of him, his golden eyes watching the Magi closely. And Judar was…relieved that things seemed so…normal between them. It wasn't awkward or weird to meet with Sinbad, just a little bit tenser maybe. However, Judar found himself involuntarily relaxing and calming, as he realized that the king is still treating him the same as always.

"Yeah. I had been looking for Yamuraiha." He pointed down to the fountain and Sinbad leaned a bit forward to look out of the window. A sudden yell told them that the magician and Sharrkan started arguing once again. Judar glanced down to them and slightly furrowed his dark brows. Why in the Seven Seas were the Rukh _still_ a light pink? How weird.

"Do you want to talk with her now? Or do you have time for a bit?" Judar looked up when Sinbad addressed him again.

"I guess I have time. Why do you ask?"

Sinbad smiled and pointed over his shoulder. "What do you say, would you like to choose your new room? I told the servants to get ready and to clean some rooms, so you can take your pick. If you want, I can show you what we have to offer."

Judar perked up and moved away from the window. "Sure." He still looked forward to getting his own room and he was also secretly happy about it. He even found himself smiling at the king.

Sinbad gently smiled back. And after following the older man down the hallway for a bit, Judar realized that the king wasn't in the company of any of his generals. That didn't happen so often.

"Hey, did I miss something? Why are most of the generals not around?" Judar chose to watch his black Rukh fluttering about, instead of looking at Sinbad and making the impression that he actually cared about the generals. However, the truth was that…he somewhat did. Even if they weren't that close, or if he didn't trust them as much as Sinbad.

"Well, as far as I know, Pisti is hung-over from a party, Spartos is down at the docks, and Masrur should be somewhere in the gardens. And…" Sinbad scratched his cheek. "Hinahoho and Ja'far went to visit a grave."

Judar paused at this, looking at the king questioningly. "A grave?"

Sinbad grew serious for a moment, a silent and slightly solemn expression in his eyes. "Yes. Today is the day Hinahoho's wife died. It is a tradition that they go visit her grave every year."

Judar didn't know what to say. If he was honest, he had never lost a person, since his parents had died before he was even old enough to remember them. Even though, because of Aladdin, he now knows what they looked like. And he also knows what had happened to them.

The young raven didn't know what to feel, other than hollowly empty and wonder what it was like to have a family. The thought brought forth an unfamiliar and yet somewhat known ache in his chest. Quiet and barely there if he didn't pay attention to it. And Judar chose to ignore it. There was nothing he could do anyway. His family was dead.

* * *

Sinbad silently watched as Judar looked around the last one of the rooms he was showing him. They had spend the past two hours walking around the corridors from room to room. They were mostly similar in the style of decoration. Fluffy, taller beds, light colors and furniture made of lightly colored wood. The floors mostly consisted of white marble with a carpet in front of the beds. The room they currently were in was held in the same style, the colors were just dipping more into a light, warm red. Out of all the other rooms, it seemed like the Magi liked this one the most, taking everything in with attentive, ruby eyes.

If Sinbad was honest right now, the swirling ball of feelings in his chest is not particularly pleasant. And yet, he also didn't mind it. It was simply how it was for him at this moment.

These feelings were because it felt like Judar was suddenly growing away from him by getting his own room. It didn't feel like a huge gap opened up between them, however…there was now something between them. There now is a way for Judar to hide away from him and keep suffering silently.

Sinbad secretly worried about that. He knew about the Magi's tendency to keep things to himself, to fight through nights of nightmares and not speak a single word about it. He worried that Judar would stay quiet should he hurt again.

Sinbad also felt…lonely, thinking about how he would go to sleep alone from now on. It felt cold, more muted, and empty. The spot that had belonged to his Magi would be vacant from now on, and it hurt to think that Judar may never step back into his life like this.

That thought kind of…ached, in a deeper way that sat way to close to his heart. Sinbad knew he would have liked to persuade Judar, to try to get closer to him in a more intimate sense. However, with this sort of past that his Magi had, there was just no way Sinbad could just prance into his life and try to flirt with him. It didn't work that way – and quite frankly, right now, it would most likely backfire badly.

And yet, as Sinbad watched Judar test the bed, he also felt…glad for his Magi. Judar was taking a step into his own independence by getting his own living space. It meant Judar had more choices like this and if he still came to him, it would just prove that the trust between them had grown and strengthened. And maybe, if luck was on his side, the new space between them allowed something else to grow. Maybe it would allow Judar and him to become closer in a way that was comfortable and safe for the Magi.

Besides, Sinbad also understood that Judar really needed his own space. Everyone did, and especially when it came to touchy subjects like the Magi's past. Judar needed a place he could hide in, if things got too heavy, if he needed to work through things on his own and find his balance again.

Still, Sinbad would always be there for him, in any way the Magi needed or wanted him to, even if it would never turn into more. The king once again felt that ache in his chest, however, it wasn't strong or biting, just silently pulling his heartstrings as he watched Judar turn to face him. Ah, so this was what it felt like to love someone. It was bittersweet, really.

"I think I'll take this one." Judar nodded slightly to himself, his stance far more confident and content than just a while ago. Just alone seeing this change was enough for Sinbad to forget all about his conflicted feelings. He really just wanted his Magi to be happy and to get the chance to heal.

* * *

Judar was lying awake, staring at the dark ceiling. He had been sleeping in his own room for a week now, and it had been peaceful so far. Peaceful and yet different. Without Sinbad, his bed sometimes seemed colder, like it took longer for his body to warm up the sheets. And sometimes, the night was too…quiet. Still, having his own room was good, it also made Judar realize that he had walls up, even around the king. The sort of walls that hid away his hurt and allowed him to pretend to be fine when in reality, he was not as fine as he wanted to be. Being alone in his room was okay and the quiet was also somewhat soothing.

Yes, except for yesterday, when he had woken up, gasping and trembling, his hands fumbling for his wand and his eyes raking over his surroundings.

The nightmare had been bad, even if, after waking up, his memories were blurred and only fleeting shadows and unclear, suffocating images remained.

And now, Judar was unable to fall asleep. Or rather, a part of him silently worried what he could do to avoid dreaming badly again. He was so sick of it, so _tired_. There had to be a way to actually stop this, right? There had to be a way to get rid of his nightmares, right?

There _had_ to be.

Watching his dark Rukh fluttering through the darkness of his room, Judar listened to the gentle chirping and lifted a hand, one of the little black birds quickly and shortly landing on his index finger. It calmed Judar and with his other hand he briefly searched for his wand, which was lying beside his pillow.

It was alright. He was alright. He could do this and he was safe. There was nothing to fear.

Closing his eyes, Judar felt how his body slowly started to grow heavy, sleep stealthily claiming his mind.

It wasn't a very peaceful night. If anything, Judar was glad that his nightmares weren't keeping him forcefully in their claws. He awoke far too often, though. And his mind felt frazzled with the frightening feeling waiting for him in his dreams.

So, when morning finally came, he got up and went to meet up with Sinbad and the generals for breakfast, even if he had no appetite whatsoever. And later on in the day, during lunch, he once again noticed the pink Rukh fluttering between Yamuraiha and Sharrkan. The woman sat beside Judar, talking with Pisti, while Sharrkan sat across from her, joking with Drakon. Then suddenly, a large hand appeared beside Judar's plate and offered him some cut melons. Looking up, the Magi was surprised to see Hinahoho smile at him. Even though there was something in the giant's eyes…

"Do you want some?" Hinahoho offered quietly, his blue hair falling over his shoulders like a river. "You haven't eaten much today. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, fine, thanks," Judar mumbled, carefully picking a small melon slice. It was only then, when Hinahoho set down the melons again, that he realized what he had seen in the older man's eyes. Concern. Hinahoho was worried about him. Despite everything, Judar couldn't help the quiet feeling of…something warm in his chest. Like he was happy about that. And he probably was. Someone cared. Someone who wasn't Sinbad. Suddenly, Judar felt much more at home than before and that feeling kind of floored him.

Still, the raven felt tired through the rest of the day and his mood stayed more on the darker side, despite his short conversation with Hinahoho, causing him to keep to himself as much as possible. He wasn't…he didn't feel like he had the capacity to talk much to others today. It was too tiring, too draining.

Sinbad, of course, noticed his mood change, and the fact that he only ate as much as he needed to keep others from worrying or bothering him during lunch. The king, however, chose to stay silent for now. Maybe it was just a phase, maybe it was just a bad day. Everyone had these and everyone was entitled to have them. It didn't stop him from dropping a few hints though, gently reminding Judar that he was there for him, be it to listen to his worries or to just vent everything out.

Judar realized the meaning behind Sinbad's words and the seemingly offhanded, small comments. However, he found he just couldn't say anything yet. He at least wanted to try to solve this on his own, to tackle this problem and see if he was strong enough to take it on.

And on the very same night of that day, Judar found himself standing in front of Sinbad's room, staring at the door while one of his hands tightly held onto his wand. A few seconds ago, he had been shaking, leaving his room after a particularly nasty nightmare.

It wasn't even a nightmare with many memories or images, but it had been enough that things had been so _dark_ and suffocating. And the feeling of just helpless panic that he awoke with had caused him to move before he could even think straight.

Now though, he had regained his wits and he hesitated. He knew, he very much knew, that Sinbad would welcome him. But…was Judar really that weak? He didn't want to think so. Oh, by all the Rukh in the world, he just had to be stronger than this!

If he wasn't…what use was it to fight this, what good did it do to try to stand up to his fears and nightmares? If he couldn't even do this…how could he ever escape from this clinging darkness?

Turning around, Judar quickly walked away, his head spinning slightly with his racing thoughts. His mouth felt dry and he needed to get _out and away_. Get some fresh air. Breathe.

Jumping out of the first window he reached, Judar floated down towards the gardens. He won't go too far away, but he wanted to feel the wind completely on his form, and he had always liked to spend some time up in the trees. So, if he maybe found something like a suitable tree, he could start calming down on his own.

And maybe the fresh air would soothe him enough that he would get tired again.

Carefully eyeing the surrounding darkness, Judar maneuvered himself as quietly as possible down to the ground. A second later, a soft glow emitted from his wand, illuminating the woods in a gentle, quiet light. It was just strong enough so that Judar could see shapes and silhouettes, and to alert him of anyone who decided to walk up to him.

For a long moment, there was nothing but the surrounding rustling of leaves moving in the wind and the quietness of the night. Judar felt some of his tenseness ebbing out of him, allowing him to take a deep breath and relax a bit more.

He can do this. He can be strong enough. As long as he didn't lose control, there had to be a way to keep this in check and to start to make his nights calmer. He just couldn't give up.

Since, if he did, then there would be nothing left that could ever save him again.

A sudden rustling and the snapping of a dry twig caused Judar to tense up and whirl around, the light from his wand brightening up. To his surprise, he saw Masrur emerging between the trees, looking as serious and sharp as ever. Why was the Fanalis out here?

"What are you doing here?" Judar found himself asking involuntarily, his tone slightly harder than usual. He didn't like getting surprised like this. And he liked it even less if he was this high strung and with his mind still slightly reeling from his nightmare.

Masrur eyed him for a moment, before he answered. "I sleep out here."

Judar blinked. Seriously? Well, it certainly was a lot calmer and far more deserted out here than in the palace, but was it really better than sleeping in a room with a bed? Well, not like it made any difference, Judar thought bitterly. He himself couldn't sleep in his own room after all.

"What brought you here?" Masrur stepped past the large tree beside him and sat down, leaning against the thick and broad trunk, crossing his legs. Judar was secretly a bit taken aback that the Fanalis had asked him this. Had asked him at all.

It still didn't change the fact that Judar had no answer for a moment. He sure as hell wouldn't tell Masrur what had brought him out here. So, he just shrugged. "Needed some air." The words '_couldn't sleep_' practically clung to that offhanded sentence, though it still was better than telling the whole truth.

Masrur inclined his head slightly, stretching out his legs and getting more comfortable. Judar, meanwhile, felt a little at loss on what to do. Should he just leave? He didn't want to return to his room just yet, but he also didn't want to wander around through the dark garden either.

Resisting the urge to sigh, he wondered if he should just get a bit away from the Fanalis to sort his thoughts. Maybe he could mess a bit around with his magic to clear his mind, before he attempted to sleep again.

"Do you want to sit down?" If Judar hadn't been surprised before by Masrur's inquire earlier, he sure as hell was surprised now. He eyed the Fanalis, who just stared back calmly and unchanged, his face just as unmoving and stoic as ever.

Why would Masrur ask him that? Or rather, why would he invite him into…well, his personal place? It was pretty clear that the Fanalis had no real intention to move again too soon.

Hesitating, Judar found his gaze wandering to the ground. Having some company didn't sound too horribly bad right now. But then again, things could slip past his lips that he didn't want out, even if he was careful. He needed to clear his head…or distract himself.

Feeling torn for a moment, he just shrugged and pointed to a thick, broad branch over his head. "I'll sit up there." Sitting on the ground just sounded too…vulnerable to him right now. Being in a higher place gave him the feeling he had a bit more of an advantage – especially emotionally.

Masrur didn't answer as Judar levitated himself up onto the branch and just closed his red eyes. It was getting pretty late after all. And really, the huge man had noticed Judar coming into the garden only because he still had been awake. Otherwise, he might have just been sleeping where he had been sitting a few moments ago.

Stretching himself out comfortably, Masrur found himself listening for any moves of the Magi. There was the creaking of wood, the rustling of leaves and clothes and then…it was quiet, aside from gentle breathing.

Judar stared at Masrur a moment longer, before placing the hand with his wand in his lap. A nice, calm silence settled between him and the Fanalis. Judar was also very relieved that Masrur just let him be and didn't ask him any more questions he wasn't willing to answer. However, the Fanalis didn't look like the type to really do so.

Maybe he had looked more shaken up or more pale than he thought if Masrur had already asked him two things anyway. And more precisely, offered him the opportunity to stay around. He is practically in the big guy's bedroom for crying out loud – even if the Fanalis had a room in the palace, Judar knew by now that he slept out in the gardens.

Leaning back against the bark of the tree, Judar closed his eyes, feeling the tenseness in his shoulders seep away with every quiet second and he found breathing so much easier again. His thoughts had cleared up again, and he had calmed down enough that the feeling of exhaustion slowly crept up on him again.

He felt his body starting to grow heavy against the tree he was resting on, his mind however, stayed sharply awake, listening in on any sounds there might be around. Then he suddenly heard the sound of movement and snapped his tired eyes open, looking down.

Masrur had moved to lie down on the grass comfortably, his back towards Judar, lying halfway between their two trees. He rested his head on his left arm and his shoulders were rising and falling in a calm, even rhythm.

Before he really could realize that Masrur had startled him wide awake again, he already started to relax again, his body sagging back against the tree. Only when he closed his eyes again, did Judar realize that he didn't even have to think about calming back down.

Did that mean, that to him, Masrur was becoming…okay? Okay to be around him? …maybe. The Fanalis had a calming effect on him ever since the birthday party of Hinahoho's sister. Sighing quietly before taking a deep breath, Judar contemplated if he should just stay here a bit longer or head back into the castle.

However, as the moments trickled by and he found himself feeling more and more comfortable in Masrur's presence, Judar couldn't find the will to move yet.

"You can sleep here, if you want to." Opening his eyes, Judar looked towards the Fanalis. The redhead hadn't really moved, only rolled onto his back, his eyes still closed.

Judar hesitated, then wondered, then hesitated again as the silence once again enveloped them. And before he knew it, he stayed, his exhaustion catching up with him.

And before he felt himself starting to nod off, he wondered just since when he trusted Masrur enough to just start dozing while he was there.

But somehow, it wasn't frightening. It wasn't threatening either and it didn't make him feel…vulnerable. It was foreign, a little bit weird, and unfamiliar, but it…wasn't bad. And it even felt somewhat…alright.

Like things that could harm him were suddenly miles away and not right behind him, not waiting to pounce on him the second he dropped his guard.

Maybe it was because he wasn't alone. Maybe it was because he got the slight feeling that whatever, or whoever wanted to harm him, first had to get past Masrur. Maybe he was just too exhausted to keep worrying.

Had Judar stayed awake just a second longer, or if Masrur had the ability to see the Rukh and had he looked at Judar, they would have seen one of the small black Rukh turn white. And they would have seen it touching upon Judar's forehead for a second, before it flew up to the other, even smaller white Rukh that hovered over the Magi, watching out for him just as much as their black brethren.


	13. Chapter Twelve: Pink

**I very much apologize for the long wait! I have to admit that I easily lose track of the days that pass, so whenever you feel like I might start to forget this story, feel free to leave me a message to give my mind a gentle little nudge to remember that I have this little project running as well. If you want to see how the next chapter comes along, you can either visit my profile or write me a message. I don't mind answering you at all :)  
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**That aside, I thank you so, so, so very much for all your reviews on the last chapter! They made me all sorts of happy and they often give me a writing boost and a lot of energy to work on this story. So thank you all for your support, I can't really find words on how much I appreciate and love it. A big, big, big thank you once again goes to FrozenPeaches, the wonderful person who helps me a lot and is once again the saving grace of all the little details in my story that I like to overlook sometimes.**

**I very much hope you enjoy and like this chapter!**

**Warning: Mentions of past abuse, possible OoC-ness, yaoi in later chapters.**

* * *

"Hey, Yamuraiha?" The woman looked up from some of her notes, when she heard Judar's voice behind her. The Magi was standing in front of one of her shelves, looking over the instruments and different orbs she had set up there.

Today was one of the days where Judar felt good. Felt _normal_. More like himself and freer of his past. Lighter, even if it lurked just at the corners of his mind. However, his memories left him alone, and he dared to enjoy the feeling of the sun warming his back and the easiness of his thoughts.

"Yes?" Yamuraiha turned to face him properly. It didn't happen so often, that the Magi was accompanying her inside to her study room.

"I was wondering about the Rukh…can it change its colors?" Judar glanced over his shoulder for a moment, almost giving the impression of an innocent, curious child asking questions about things it didn't understand.

"Well, depending on what kind of magic you use, the Rukh look different. What brought this on?"

Judar leaned forward, to touch a small orb with Lightening Rukh. "I mean, can Rukh change outside of being used? Or outside of being the energy of an element?"

At this, Yamuraiha seemed confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean like…" Judar straightened and turned to her, pointing at her Rukh. "I recently noticed that Rukh can change, depending on who people are talking to. Like with you and Sharrkan."

For a long moment, Yamuraiha just stared at the Magi, before she quickly stood up. "Seriously?! That happened?"

"Err…yeah." Now Judar felt slightly confused. "Why? And why does that happen?"

Rubbing her chin, Yamuraiha frowned. "I'd like to know that myself. I will research it right away!" And with those words, she breezed out of her study room before Judar could stop her, grabbing one or two of her scrolls along the way.

Blinking, the Magi stared after the magician and the door that fell closed behind her. Well, that hadn't gone quite as planned. Sighing, Judar dragged a hand through his hair. He really wondered just what that pink Rukh meant. He knew of the different elemental Rukhs, their colors and powers. However, that pink Rukh…he still wanted to know what it was.

Leaving the study room as well, Judar resolved to try and see Yamuraiha and Sharrkan interacting again as soon as possible – probably during dinner tonight. Maybe then some answers could be found. Maybe Yamuraiha was using her Rukh unconsciously, because the swordsman riled her up enough? Was that even possible? And even if so, just what sort of spell could cause the Rukh to become pink?

Half immersed in his thoughts, Judar wandered through the corridors until he reached the gardens and a small outside training area. Spartos was currently using it, sparring against one of the guards. Both weren't paying attention to him, so Judar used that moment to watch their Rukh closely. No, it was normal. Plain white, nothing shimmery or rosy or something of the sort. Huh. Interesting.

After another moment of silent observation, Judar resolved to go to the library of the king. Yamuraiha probably went there to start researching and he could do that with her, since the opportunity arose. And she probably knew the library a lot better than him, too. Besides, together they might find an answer sooner than when alone. And…even if Judar didn't want to admit it, researching with Yamuraiha or doing experiments with her was kind of…fun. The excited glow in her eyes and her bubbly speech and complete fascination with magic was interesting and infectious. Her mind was brilliant, that was something Judar had noticed very quickly and she was open to practically everything he suggested on trying – even if they once almost had blown up her study room because of mixing two elements wrongly.

So, yes, the magician was comfortable to be around. She wasn't pressuring him, or being too close or too obnoxious or too questioning. She asked him a few things, but mostly she started to accept him the way he was. At first, Judar had felt at odds with it. He wasn't really used to people accepting his evading answers and his often weird moods or his sometimes out-of-nowhere suggestions about magic. He also never had met another person that unconditionally loved magic the way he did and who always wanted to search deeper, look at more, feel everything. When it came to magic, Yamuraiha understood a part of him that Judar never had to explain to her like he had to others.

Walking off to look for her to research together, Judar wasn't aware that he had been watched as well.

Standing at one of the windows, two stories up, Sinbad and Ja'far were talking with each other, their eyes following the form of their Magi.

"How is Judar doing with his official work as our Magi?" Sinbad asked, leaning against the window sill in a relaxed fashion. His golden eyes followed Judar's form, watching the gentle swish of the long, braided hair and the way pale skin seemed to glow in the sunlight. He almost couldn't take his gaze from the Magi.

"He is doing pretty well so far. When Yamuraiha gives the okay, we can also slowly start to introduce him into our defense magic. With his powers, we might achieve even better protection than we already have right now."

"So, I take it you trust him more now?" For a moment, they both exchanged a look, before Ja'far watched the Magi disappear into the palace, staying silent and thoughtful for a minute.

"… Yes. I feel like I maybe should stay a bit more wary for longer, but…" A dry smile shortly settled on Ja'far's lips. "Something about him seems sincere. More than I ever experienced from him." He glanced at Sinbad. "I take it you know I talked to him during Pipirika's party?"

"I do. He talked to me about it." Turning to face his advisor, the king had a thoughtful look on his face. "I think he took the talk very seriously."

For a moment, Ja'far seemed to hesitate. "Thinking back on it, I may have been a bit harsh on him." He sighed. "However, I also had my reasons."

"I don't doubt that." Laying a hand on his shoulder, Sinbad gave Ja'far a gentle smile. "I trust you. You don't do things when you don't think they are necessary." Even if Sinbad knew that Judar had taken Ja'far's words to heart very much, that those words hurt him. However, Sinbad was also aware of the hurt that Ja'far had experienced by Judar's past actions and he wouldn't disregard this so easily. And as much as it pained and often vexed him, it was something Judar and Ja'far had to work through on their own. All he could do was support both of them to the best of his abilities and – if they needed or wished it – try to mediate between them.

"I won't stand for any of you getting hurt again." Something steel-like coated Ja'far's words, like a sharpened knife hidden by velvet silk. "Not if I could have stopped it."

Before Sinbad could open his mouth to say something, did Ja'far sigh, his shoulders slumping a little. "Still, I should talk to Judar again." For a second, the advisor seemed to ponder his words, before he spoke, even though it was a little quieter than before. "You know, a few days ago, I saw Judar sitting in the library alone, studying over some books. He looked really concentrated and focused. I got a look at the books and realized he was studying up on defense magic." Looking at Sinbad, the king could see that Ja'far's gray eyes were a bit softer than usual when talking about their Magi. "When I see him try so hard when no one's looking, I can't help but think that it's okay to start trusting him."

Smiling, Sinbad felt something ease inside of him. It was only then that he realized that he had secretly worried if there would always remain a certain distance between Ja'far and Judar, like an invisible wall. That none of them would try to take a step towards the other.

"I'm glad to hear that. Judar feels really guilty about the past."

Humming quietly, Ja'far looked out of the window again, watching Spartos in his sparring-match. For a moment, his gaze was absentminded, as though he recalled something. "I think I am…starting to believe that. When we had that talk during the party, it looked like I hit a sore spot with my words. I guess back then I just wasn't sure if he was acting or not."

"I just hope you guys get along better from now on."

Laughing quietly for a second, Ja'far looked at Sinbad. "I don't think you have to worry about that too much anymore. Just…give me a bit more time. I'm still getting used to having him as our ally. Even though it's difficult to trust him completely sometimes, I want to try and see him as the person he is now."

Sinbad gave Ja'far's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Of course. Take all the time you need. I'll tell Judar that you don't feel hostile towards him anymore."

"Oh, if possible, I'd like to do that myself." Sighing with a small smile, Ja'far motioned for Sinbad to continue their walk to the king's office. "I told him I don't trust him, and then I might as well also tell him I don't think that way anymore."

Smiling happily about those a bit unexpected change of events, Sinbad felt his mood turning more than good. Damn, he even felt ready to tackle work with enthusiasm.

As they turned to walk down the corridor, one of their messengers turned around the corner, his face brightening slightly when he saw the king and his advisor.

"My king, Sir Ja'far." Bowing quickly, he held out a sealed message with a clear insignia. "A message from Reim just arrived. It carries the seal of the palace."

Exchanging a short, quick look, Sinbad took the message from the man. "I thank you." Nodding, the guy bowed again and quickly left, probably to deliver another message to someone.

"What could it be about?" Ja'far asked, curiously eying the seal. "I thought everything was alright?"

"I wonder as well." Frowning slightly in confusion and wondering, Sinbad tugged the message into his sleeve. "Let's get to the office before we see what Reim could possibly want."

* * *

Sharrkan was officially confused. And not only that. He'd also like to officially state that the woman in front of him had finally lost her marbles. Maybe she had breathed in one of her potions one time to many? Or maybe one of her experiments with magic had gone wrong? He had told her time and time again to be more careful…well, in his own way.

"Yamuraiha, just what the hell are you doing?"

"Shhh! And don't move!" Staring at different places beside his head, Yamuraiha took another step forward, holding up a really weird looking instrument – something that looked a lot like a staff with a magical orb at the end of it. Sharrkan really didn't know if he should feel threatened or not. Who knew what went on in her head? Maybe she wanted revenge for one or another stupid thing he had unknowingly done?

Taking a step back, he stared down at her, warily keeping an eye on the instrument. "No seriously, what is this about? You wanna fight?"

"What? No, don't be stupid, you'd lose anyway – ah!" Before Sharrkan could even retaliate that _she_ would lose, she snapped the instrument shut beside his head, staring at it intently, while he jumped back.

"The hell, woman?!" Was she trying to behead him? Their relationship wasn't that bad! Then he saw the look of slight disappointment on her face and paused. So, standing mere inches away from him, holding up a weird thing and smacking it just past his ears was important to her?

"Could you explain what you are doing?" He would maybe – probably – help if he could…

Yamuraiha sighed. "Judar said something about pink Rukh," she muttered under her breath, just loud enough that Sharrkan could still catch it. "And I thought…I don't know, just now it looked kind of…pink."

Sharrkan blinked. "Wait, are you telling me that my Rukh is _pink_?"

"That's exactly the problem, it is not!" Well, Sharrkan couldn't say he saw that as a problem, really… "I had hoped to find some answers to this rather unusual occurrence…"

Sharrkan was looking at her suspiciously when he saw she once again stared at the air. He knew, he really knew about the Rukh. However, since he couldn't see shit, it was really, really weird to see the magician watching, well, _nothing_. Maybe she did lose her marbles, but then again, that also could have happened years ago…

Sighing, Sharrkan brushed his bangs away slightly, shifting to a relaxed stance. Now that he didn't feel threatened by her instrument anymore – not that he would ever admit that to anyone – he suddenly realized how close she still stood to him. The swordsman could swear that he almost felt the heat coming from her body. They usually weren't that close. Not without fighting, not without being drunk as hell. They usually weren't…which didn't mean that it wasn't…nice. Another thing he wouldn't admit.

Yamuraiha, who suddenly seemed to realize their closeness as well, paused, blinking, before she slightly cleared her throat and moved a step back. Then she glanced up at him and their eyes met.

_How green_, she thought involuntarily, before she shook that thought off and the fact that she found his eyes…nice. Alright, not only nice, she secretly liked them. Even if she would never admit it. And usually she liked older men a lot more, but something about Sharrkan drew her in. Something about him caused her to think of him. He never wandered too far from her mind, once she stopped brooding over magic. He was easy to rile up, easy to talk to, even if they mostly argued, he was easy to be around…easy to trust.

Sharrkan found himself looking at her, seeing the ocean blue of her eyes, the soft fall of her hair, the curve of her lips…he always saw, even if it always was only in short instances that were quickly overtaken by their little quarrels – quarrels that they had had for years now and despite them being old and new at the same time, something about Yamuraiha always stayed interesting, intense. She kept him on his toes like others rarely did, she captured his gaze easily just by walking into the room and he found he couldn't…leave her alone completely, even if he tried. Something about her made him feel alive; something that usually only sword fighting managed to do.

Sharrkan only had a moments warning with the shift of her gaze, before he jumped aside, as she once again tried to catch something out of the air, mere breaths away from his head.

"Hah!" Triumphantly, she held up the small orb, that the instrument had placed at the upper end and Sharrkan felt like grabbing it and smacking it against the next tree or wall.

"Stop doing that!" Taking another step back, just to be safe, Sharrkan watched as she intently stared at the orb, not hearing him or listening to him at all. Sighing, he rolled his eyes. Mention magic, and the mind of this woman went down the gutter.

Then, after a second, she frowned again and sighed. "Damn. I thought I had it just now."

Sharrkan snorted. "Please, as if _my_ Rukh would be pink."

She looked at him, a sly smirk slowly spreading over her face. "Oh? Well, mister manly swordsman, care to explain why your Rukh was pink just now then?"

"Pf, you could make that up. Besides, who said it had to be mine? Maybe it's yours. All those nonsense magic experiments must have powdered it or something. Or it has plainly tampered with your head." He tapped a fingertip against her forehead, refusing to dwell on the fact that she had, indeed, lovely skin.

He retracted his hand, before she could slap it away, a scowl appearing on her face. "Tampered with my head? I beg to differ, seeing as how often you tripped and smacked your face into the ground as a kid, you are the one with a few screws loose."

Sharrkan cursed that she still remembered that. "Oh yeah? Well, at least I don't get nuts over a spell that is only useful in growing out hair like crazy or playing around with water like an oversized child." He grinned at her and she grinned right back, all teeth and blue eyes full of fire and life. God damn, he loved this fire in her.

"The oversized child clearly has to be you, if I remind you how nuts _you_ went about a useless dagger, which can do no better than cutting trees at best."

"As if magic is any better!"

"Swords are the real pest of this world!"

Faster than before, they were in each other's faces, staff and sword at the ready, arguing full out.

And both of them failed to notice Judar, who had accidentally come across them and then – not so accidentally – decided to eavesdrop and watch them. His ruby eyes were fixed on the Rukh between them; how they flittered so close to them, chirped as lively as they argued and glowed…pink.

As he had watched them interact, the way both of them had – for a short but clear second – looked lost to the others gaze, a slow, slight suspicion had grown in him. A tiny, almost withered suspicion. Could it be? Could those pink Rukh represent…feelings? Those sort of supposedly warm, breathtaking, heart stealing and mind-turned-to-mush feelings? Could it be…fondness? Affection? …maybe even love?

Watching them argue, Judar would immediately snort at those thoughts, shaking his head as if something insane had just taken up his mind. However, when he watched the Rukh…when he listened to _them_ and not the squabbling idiots, he caught quiet whispers. Whispers that told him that despite all their arguing, all their side blows to each other, those two…cared. Secretly and more deeply than could be seen.

Sneaking away, Judar moved through the shadows the evening sun cast all around him and on silent feet he left the little outside garden with the small fountain. He suddenly felt like he had intruded on something that wasn't meant for him – had listened to Rukh that were carrying secret affection.

A slight chill worked up his spine and he rubbed his arms, suddenly feeling…not exactly exposed, but something in him…moved.

Love was something Judar hadn't really thought about. He had witnessed other people being in love or talking about it; however, to him, it always felt miles and miles away. It was too scary. Being in love came with things he didn't want to handle – being close to a person, being bound to someone again…

Judar still didn't know what to think about love. Ever since he came to Sindria, he had felt the darkness in him shift slightly, like it was getting…lesser, easier to bear. His thoughts still haunted him like the ever existent movement of the Rukh and yet…he still felt a lot better than back in Kou.

Here in Sindria, he started to feel…safe. He started to feel accepted; he started to feel himself opening up – not to everyone though. Judar started to like the company of people simply because of who they were and he stopped fearing the shadows of people, stopped watching out for every turn in the corridors once the night set in.

It was more than he had ever hoped to get, more than he had dared to believe would ever happen. And now, now he actually started to think he could dare more. Try to take another step and try to stand taller. Hope was something foreign to him – this pure hope, that didn't require others to die for his life to get better, that didn't require him to feed the darkness.

And now this…if the pink Rukh really represented someone liking another person…what else could be seen, that Judar had never seen before?

It felt like a foreign world opened up to Judar, one he wasn't sure he was ready for. White Rukh was something he didn't have. White Rukh was full of feelings and warmth and it chirped of lives different from his. Could he really dare and step into this world, that had never been his?

* * *

Judar didn't know if he should feel annoyed or curious or smug because he, by now, was very sure that the pink Rukh meant someone loved or liked another person in a special way. However, since Drakon was sitting right beside him, with his wife, their pink Rukh practically smothering Judar with their whistling and chirping and charming songs, he settled on a mix of annoyed and accomplished. He had found out the origin of the pink Rukh – or at least, he was ninety percent sure – but it was still annoying. How had he missed all this before?

The Rukh usually were calmer during diner. No, actually, the Rukh were rarely this active, this chirpy or this fluttery. It almost felt like they smacked into his face as they happily flew around the married couple. And the worst part? Drakon and his wife weren't even overly affectionate with each other! It was like the Rukh were some sort of romantic tension between them, as they held hands under the table and his leg brushed up to hers – yes, Judar could see that if he leaned forward just a bit and looked past Drakon's arm, which felt really weird, just for the record.

Waving slightly at the noisy and touchy Rukh, the Magi tried to swat them away as calmly and secretly as possible. It wouldn't do for him to suddenly start slapping at them or smacking them into the table – not that this would kill the Rukh and he didn't want to draw attention to himself by acting weird.

So, since he couldn't really do anything about it – or ask someone to switch seats with him – he tried to focus on his food, poking it over and over again, until his watermelon was full of holes and he decided to swallow some of it. His appetite wasn't really big this evening, but at least he didn't feel uncomfortable with eating around the others, with the others.

Suddenly, Pisti, who sat at his other side, leaned forward slightly, a happy smile on her face. Sneakily, she stole a piece of meat from Spartos' plate while the other wasn't watching. Noticing that Judar saw her, she gave a cheeky wink, biting into the food and grinning at him.

"Do you want something as well?" She nodded towards Spartos and his half filled plate, who was still conversing with Ja'far about replacing some of the training dummies in the arena he often trained in.

"Er, no…thanks." Judar added, almost as if it was an afterthought. Pisti shrugged.

"You don't know what you're missing out on. Is this some diet you are doing? Or are you generally not eating meat? It's not a Magi-thing as far as I know. Aladdin ate lots of meat the last time he was here."

Judar couldn't help it, despite her curious and light tone of voice and her nice smile, he felt uncomfortable with her asking. He knew Pisti didn't mean anything bad by it, he knew she wasn't cunningly waiting for him to slip up and find out a weakness or pressuring him into something he didn't want. He knew she didn't look at him just so she didn't miss the smallest twitch of a muscle.

She was merely curious. She merely wanted to get to know him. She didn't understand and that was why she asked. Judar just wished he would stop feeling tense at the fact that she asked him about his eating habit – especially since it was mainly born from bad memories. Or mentioning Aladdin…Judar didn't really know how to feel about the little Magi.

"I don't like meat," he answered, shrugging as well, looking down at his plate and his half-poked-to-death melon pieces.

For a second, Pisti was silent and then he realized she stood up to stretch out her arms as far as she could. When she sat back down, she held a platter of cut oranges and a bowl of grapes in her hands. "Want some of these then?"

Her smile was so honest and her eyes shone like she was sure she had done something utterly right with this. And somehow, it made Judar feel better. He found himself giving a small smile in return, as he took some of the grapes. Somehow, with this simple act, Pisti had made him feel accepted, made him feel better about himself.

"Thanks." The pink Rukh of Drakon and his wife were still annoying though. And from Yamuraiha and Sharrkan. Though, since they sat at the end of the table, their Rukh thankfully was merely annoyingly chirpy and didn't circle around his head. How come he hadn't seen them before? Did he really pay this little attention to the Rukh outside of training and research? What else had he missed until now? Was there more about white Rukh? …more than he could even discover with his colored black? He didn't like that thought. Judar didn't want to be cut off from the white Rukh just because his was different.

Lifting his gaze, the Magi met Masrur's eyes at the same time when the Fanalis glanced in his direction. He and Hinahoho were sitting across from him and for a long moment, Judar's thoughts wandered to the night he had spent in the presence of the redhead.

That was a few days ago and somehow, it had helped the Magi to find more calm in his sleep. Maybe it was the quiet knowledge that Masrur was out there, sleeping but still watching out. Maybe it was because he had been woken by the warmth of the sun after that night and Masrur still had been there and everything had been so _peaceful_ and calm. Soothing.

Then he blinked and realized that Hinahoho had moved to offer him a plate with apples and peaches, a gentle smile on his face. He probably had thought that Judar had stared at the food on the table and not at Masrur's hands – which, despite their calluses somehow didn't seem dangerous or unpleasant in the least.

"Do you want some of those? Or something else?" And when Judar looked up to meet those amber eyes of the giant, a sudden realization knocked the breath out of him for a second.

These people were _watching out for him_.

That was so new to him. He was somewhat used to Sinbad watching out for him – especially since the king knew about his past – but from outsiders of his past…it was the first time. The first time people honestly and simply watched out for him because of him and his wellbeing. Because they cared for him and nothing else.

Judar swore to every Djinn and Rukh out there, that his fingers were _not_ shaking when he grabbed a peach and thanked Hinahoho. Still, he couldn't help but feel a part of him settle down. Like something in him found a home.

The rest of diner passed by very fast from there on, with Judar trying to ponder about the Rukh, between getting swarmed with the pink ones from the couple beside him and the slightly bickering idiots from the end of the table, and conversing with the present generals. The conversations were mostly still polite, still tentatively inching towards more personal topics. They were still getting to know him as he was still getting to know them.

Judar had to admit, that now, since he didn't feel so out of place anymore, he liked the pace in which they got to know him. The Magi sneaked a glance towards Sinbad, who sat on Ja'far's other side and at this moment, their eyes met. The king's golden eyes were warm and his smile filled with mirth. He gave Judar a nod, his smile widening.

Judar only realized he had smiled back when he returned his gaze to his plate. Somehow, it was a lot easier to eat everything up and half an orange more than usual.

When diner was over though, Sinbad managed to catch him while they exited the table. "Judar, would you mind coming with me for a bit? There is something I would like to talk to you about."

The Magi eyed Sinbad, before he nodded. "Alright. Should I come to the office or the study room with you?"

"None of them, if you don't mind, we can meet up either in your room or in my room." The king looked at him questioningly. Judar hesitated for a second. Sinbad seemed to want to talk about either something serious or personal…or probably both.

"Your room." The raven was more comfortable with that. His room was…his. And…Judar liked Sinbad's rooms. They were comfortable to be in and he hadn't seen them since he moved into his own room.

Sinbad smiled at him. "Good, then, shall we go?" Sinbad placed a gentle hand on his shoulder for a short moment, so easily as if he did it subconsciously, before he took the lead.

It was only when Judar saw the king's back that he realized, that he hadn't disliked the touch at all. Quite the contrary. It had been warm. …nice even. And his shoulder still…felt pleasantly warm from it, even if it had been a short contact.

That was new to Judar. Liking a touch, thinking that it wouldn't be bad to feel it again…it was new, somewhat scary and it still made him feel lighter. Better. Maybe he was getting better. Maybe he was starting to leave his nightmares behind him.

Following Sinbad out of the dining room, the generals wished them a good night before the two of them turned down a corridor to walk towards the king's rooms. Now that they were alone, Judar couldn't help but wonder what was up.

"Did something happen?", he asked, walking easily beside Sinbad. He didn't really feel nervous…just curious and…okay, maybe a little, little bit nervous.

"Well, kind of." The king looked thoughtful. "I just thought I'd tell you before we soon get a visitor." He smiled at him. "It's nothing too bad though. We just got a message from Reim this afternoon."

At this, Judar perked up, his eyes focusing intensely on Sinbad. Reim still had some troops stationed in Kou, as far as he knew – along with two ambassadors from the Seven Seas Alliance. Did Sinbad have any news on Kou? If yes, good or bad news?

"What did the message say?", he asked when they finally reached the king's quarters and Sinbad opened the door for him, closing it as they stepped inside.

"A representative of Reim will come here next month, along with a detailed report on how things stand with Kou. But from the last letter from one of my ambassadors I know that the rebuild of the country goes well." Motioning for the Magi to sit down, the older male took a seat beside him on the couch at the side of the bedroom.

Then, Sinbad's face became more serious. "Depending on what the report says though, I might have to go to Kou." At this, Judar halted, blinking in surprise. "Sindria is still a participant and founder in the Seven Seas Alliance and we took part in the war. Besides, I'd like to check up on the situation myself and see where we might be able to help Kou. The faster the country is back on its feet and able to support itself and its citizens without problems, the better."

The Magi hesitated for a second, a slight frown of confusion on his face. "How come you are willing to help Kou so much? I guess Reim too, since they joined your alliance during the war. I mean…Kou has done a lot of bad things."

"A country is more than the people who make the decisions. Yes, a lot of bad things were done, but the people responsible were held accountable. The citizens, the people trying to survive the war just as much as anyone else involved, they haven't done anything." Sinbad leaned back slightly. "Furthermore, only by helping them back on their feet can we hope to change anything. We will still keep a close eye on the Ren Family and their connections, just in case, until they settle with peaceful intentions."

Then there was one question that burned at the tip of Judar's tongue and he found he couldn't swallow it back down. "Has Hakuryuu shown up yet?"

This time Sinbad paused, thinking for a moment, before getting even more serious. "No, I fear not. As far as I know he is still missing along with his sister."

After all this time…could he be dead? Hakuryuu had a lot of bite in him, Judar knew, but was it enough to survive a war? What about Hakuei? If they were together, could Hakuryuu have done something stupid in order to protect her?

"What about the others? How are they?"

Sinbad smiled gently and his golden eyes seemed to grow warm as they focused on him. "Everyone else is alright as far as I know. But if you want, you can ask the representative of Reim when they come. When nothing will change in the dynamics, Muu Alexius will visit us."

The name dimly rang a bell in Judar's mind and the blurred memory of a red headed man was conjured up for a second. He didn't really remember, but he knew from some reports that this Muu Alexius had done quite some damage during the war – along with a lot of other people.

Judar didn't know how to feel about that, about meeting a former enemy. How would Muu perceive him? What if he hated him? A lot of Reim's soldiers had fallen and maybe even by his own hand – back then when he had to fight his way through the battle before the castle to reach safety, to reach his friends, to get out of all the bloodshed. Then, in the next second, he cursed in his mind. What did it matter what some Reim guy thought about him? It didn't. It shouldn't. Those feelings of nervousness, of wanting to be accepted by a fucking stranger, were feelings he shouldn't have. He shouldn't be concerned with that. And he wouldn't. He refused to.

"Judar?" Feeling a slight touch upon his shoulder, the Magi focused back on the king. "You were frowning, what were you thinking about?"

The raven opened his mouth to answer, the truth already halfway out, when he paused. Was this a thing he was supposed to tell Sinbad? It shouldn't matter. He shouldn't care so much. In the end, he just shrugged with one shoulder, shortly averting his eyes. "Just thinking about some things."

Sinbad could see that there might be something more, but he didn't press for it. And for that, Judar was grateful. Not only because he didn't want to talk about it, Sinbad also accepted his decision about what he wanted to share and what he didn't want to talk about. That felt good. It somehow made him feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more like he could sit up straighter.

Still, now that some of the worries he had lurking in the back of his head were calmed, another thought snuck in, uncomfortable and very sharp against his mind.

"Will it be certain that you…go to Kou?" Judar didn't dare ask about the emperor. However, since Sinbad didn't say anything about him, the vile pig might just as well be alive and eating as before, his ass still seated on the throne. And the thought that Sinbad would go there, would meet him, talk to him, maybe even shake his hand…something about that thought made the Magi feel _sick_.

Sinbad looked at him, not hiding that he wondered if Judar was worried about something. "Not completely. It depends on what Muu has to say and what else my ambassadors report to me. But, to be honest, I'd like to go. I'd like to see with my own eyes what the situation in Kou looks like." The king leaned forwards slightly, his eyes more serious than before. "I do have a responsibility since my Alliance was involved with the war. I also have an interest in keeping such a war from repeating itself and establishing peace. And if a country is in shambles or is in a poor condition, if the people are hungry and feel small and hopeless, they are more likely to try and fight again. So I have more than one reason to go." A gentler look crossed Sinbad's face then. "Are you worried about something, Judar?"

And the Magi was torn between brushing everything off or trying to hint at the king to not let his guard down. The face of the emperor appeared unbidden before his inner eye and Judar felt his stomach roiling uncomfortably, nausea scratching his throat and his mouth went dry. For a long second, he found he couldn't get any words past his heavy tongue and closed lips.

"Not really…" He couldn't really say it. Not now. Not with Sinbad watching him with these eyes that rarely missed anything. Maybe later, when he knew what to say and how to say it and when he could make it sound nonchalant and like a passing thought. When he could hide his fear and disgust and keep it a secret. He didn't want Sinbad to know who had…hurt him. Not like this. If, at any time the king was to know, Judar wanted to be the one to tell him and to let it happen out of his own volition. And not some messed up mistake or slip up on his part.

"I see." And simply, like that, Sinbad dropped the subject, most likely again respecting his wish to not talk about it. Judar, secretly, felt a little baffled again.

Back in Kou, not a lot of people had asked and respected his opinion or words. Al-Tharmen had manipulated him all his life, killed his family and painted his Rukh black, and the emperor…_he_ certainly had never listened or asked.

Sinbad could see Judar's gaze becoming absent for a second and how a slight shiver followed afterwards. His best guess was that the Magi had remembered something unpleasant.

He wondered if he should have pressed the matter a little bit more. The king was well aware of the fact that someone in Kou had hurt Judar horribly. He just didn't know who, but he would bet his treasures, that it was exactly that person, that made his Magi uncomfortable and nervous whenever they talked about Kou.

And Sinbad didn't know how to react to that. He didn't know if he could go to Kou and _not_ search every face for a sign, a hint that would reveal who had done harm to Judar. But he knew that, in all honesty, he had no right to do so. To suspect the people from Kou and keep a sharp eye out on their little movements and facial expressions. He had no right to do that, as long as Judar didn't ask it of him. The only one who had any rights to anger and hatred and revenge was Judar himself.

Sinbad knew that he himself hurt because he wished he had prevented all the bad things in his Magi's life. He was angry because he loved Judar and just the thought that someone hurt him made him bristle in the worst of ways.

And that was exactly what Judar didn't need. He didn't need Sinbad to curse the ever loving life out of those who hurt him, he didn't need Sinbad to become angry and he didn't need Sinbad out on a hunt for revenge.

He needed Sinbad to be there for him and when he was ready, to address the wounds in his heart. The younger male needed Sinbad to be calm, steady.

The king knew all that and somehow, it made things easier. It helped the older male to stay calm and listen, and not close his mind and heart in anger.

The hurt however, stayed. It was like a painful throb in Sinbad's chest, a silent sound of something wounded and for a long second, he wondered where he fit in. Where did he fit in, in this whole picture that was Judar's life, with his feelings? Especially his discovered feelings of love for the raven.

This part, hurt as well.

Sinbad hadn't expected to fall in love and he, furthermore, had never expected that it would be something that could hurt in this deep, deep way. He didn't know if he could ever freely speak about those feelings to Judar without scaring him or making him wary. He didn't know if he could ever expect any of them to be reciprocated.

And at the same time, a part of him didn't want to let go of this love. Maybe it was stupid, maybe it was painful at times, and maybe it would be something he might regret at some point. But in all this, in his life full of fake smiles to visitors from other countries, his cunning ways of navigating and manipulating people in order to keep peace, and trying to do the best for his country, nothing had felt this real and true and _good_ in a long while.

The feeling of love was something the king, in all honesty, cherished.

And that was why it hurt when he saw Judar shying away, averting those beautiful ruby eyes of his, or changing the topic or when the raven looked carefully at people, as if he expected them to plot or say something against him.

Sinbad couldn't stop the small sigh from leaving his mouth and Judar looked at him, ruby eyes a bit darker and attentive. And in this moment, the king really wished he could reach out and touch the black hair and that soft skin and feel Judar's warmth.

However, he didn't, instead motioning vaguely to his room. "Would you like to stay a bit longer and talk? I wouldn't mind the company."

He was a little surprised, when Judar shrugged slightly and answered almost right away. "I don't mind."

The king felt a smile growing on his face and when the Magi met his eyes, the raven smiled back a little, tentatively but clearly. And somehow Sinbad felt like things would be alright. Maybe not tonight and maybe not even in a few weeks or months. But somehow, he got the impression that Judar was…healing. Getting better a little.

He could be wrong but at the moment, he didn't even want to think about that possibility. He just wanted to think about how that small smile made Judar's eyes a bit brighter and how the hurt in his own chest changed to a flowing warmth.


	14. Chapter Thirteen: Family

**I once again have to apologize for the long wait! To make up for it and also for the fact that I won't be around for a couple of weeks - and I can't write on my story where I go - you all get a longer chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it! And thank you all very much for your reviews, they really make me very happy and almost always get me hyped up to work on this story. So thank you all very much, you're a driving force for me to keep updating as often as possible.**

**And also, another huge thanks goes to Frozen Peaches, who has gone along with my (a bit selfish) request on getting this chapter corrected and worked over as fast as possible so that I can upload it before I'm away. So thank you, Frozen Peaches for that, I wouldn't have made it this far without you.**

**Warnings: Possible OoC-ness, mentioins of past abuse, yaoi in later chapters.**

**I hope you all can enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Judar knew that there might be better things he could do. He also knew that what he is doing wasn't exactly the smoothest or most honest thing. Because sneaking through the castle in the middle of the night wasn't something honest people did. Or people without ulterior motives. However, Judar wouldn't exactly call himself an honest person and…well, he did have some sort of ulterior motive.

It wasn't anything illegal though. Probably. No one told him not to sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night after all. But then again, how many people would do such a thing?

It wasn't as if Judar was hungry, not really. He just…didn't want to go back to sleep. The nightmares that had left him alone the past days had returned. Dark and heavy and suffocating and frightening enough to chase him out of his room.

Now he was quietly sneaking into the kitchen in search for something sweet to, well, honestly, to feel better.

The kitchen was, as predicted, devoid of people and Judar knew that it would only stay this way for two more hours, before the chefs started to wake up and prepare breakfast for the inhabitants of the palace.

The wooden door to the kitchen creaked gently as he opened it and a slight smell of spices and a lingering scent of dinner, mixed with an undertone of herbs, wafted towards him.

For a moment, Judar stood still and listened, feeling the slight chill of the cold stone floor beneath his bare feet. Then he pushed the door open and stepped through it, slightly waving his wand so that a gentle, quiet light lit up his immediate surroundings. Judar closed the door behind him and carefully picked his way across the room.

He knew where the sweets were kept, and he also knew that there was a clever little lock protecting them from quick fingers – but not from his magic. Once he reached the wooden door with the look, he gave another small flick of his wrist and the lock gave an audible click as it opened.

He moved slowly, listening attentively to any suspicious sounds, like someone approaching the kitchen and reaching for the door. A sudden creak to his right caused Judar to freeze up, staring over.

"How cool, did you do that with magic?" The unexpected voice, almost right beside him, made the Magi jump backwards quickly, his heart painfully catching in his throat and he raised his wand in front of him, the light growing so quickly it illuminated the whole kitchen.

He managed to catch a glimpse of ocean-blue hair and an exposed shoulder, before hands wrapped around his wand, dimming the light.

"Shh, don't, you'll alert the kitchen boys otherwise! They sleep in the room next to us."

Startled, Judar only didn't cover the person in front of him in magic spells because he realized who almost loomed over him, hiding the light. One of Hinahoho's children, one of the younger boys.

Blinking, Judar realized that he was breathing too quickly and that his heart was thundering in his chest, his knees felt weak and his hands cold and shaky.

Worried, golden eyes focused on him, reminding him even more whose child had almost scared him to death. "Sorry, I didn't want to startle you. Can you dim the light please?"

The kid slowly let go of the wand and the Magi needed a second before he complied, returning the light to how it was before – well, maybe just a little bit brighter. The kid sheepishly scratched his neck, moving a lock of thick blue hair with the motion.

"Sorry again. I noticed you when you snuck in, but I was worried you might be someone from the kitchen staff, I couldn't really see you well. I didn't mean to startle you." Then he turned to the unlocked door, his eyes sparking up. "You're the Magi right? You wanted some of these as well?"

Dumbfounded, Judar stared at the kid in front of him, which was just as tall as him, but clearly quite younger. "As well?" Was all he could manage to say for a moment.

"Yes." Opening the door without even a creak, the kid reached inside and pulled a jar with cookies from one of the shelves. "I couldn't sleep and snuck out from my dad's quarters and came down here." He grinned proudly and picked out a cookie, biting into it. "And no one saw me or noticed me leaving."

Judar couldn't help the small, rough half-laugh that escaped him for a second, high tension draining out of his body so fast he almost sagged with it. Then he suddenly had the jar of cookies right in front of him, the kid still grinning, a crumb clinging to his lower lip.

"Want some too? Or do you want something else?"

Judar stretched his hand out and picked up a cookie himself, slowly biting into it. It tasted just as good as it was supposed to and something about this made him feel better. Or it might be the kid, happily munching away and then picking up a second cookie jar, holding it out to Judar.

"Here, yours, since you opened the lock and everything. It would have taken me quite a while to open that one. They changed it since the last time."

Judar paused. "You've been breaking into the kitchen?"

The kid's grin turned cheeky. "Sometimes. But I never get caught, I know my –" He abruptly stopped talking and his head snapped to the direction of the door. A second later, Judar heard the sound of boots coming towards them and before he could react, the kid quickly motioned for him to follow him behind a table and to crouch down.

"Come," he whispered. "I know a secret way out of here."

For a moment, Judar paused, the cookie jar under his arm, before he followed the kid. They reached the wall and stepped through a secret opening at the same time that the kitchen door opened.

Quickly and silently closing the opening behind them, the kid released a breath of relief. "Phew, I wasn't that close to getting caught in a while." Turning around satisfied, he looked at the Magi. "Do you know anything about the secret passages of the castle?"

"No, I don't." Judar frowned slightly. "And who are you?"

"Oh, right, dad always tells me to introduce myself." Stretching out his hand, the kid smiled genuinely. "I'm Kanaha, Hinahoho's son."

Judar hesitated for a split second, before he took the other's hand and felt slightly surprised that it was almost bigger than his. "I'm Judar."

"Nice to meet you, Judar! So, do you want me to show you out somewhere then? I can get you almost everywhere, but we might have to go through a few normal corridors to get to another secret path." Then his golden eyes suddenly brightened up and for a second Judar wondered if Hinahoho had been the same when he had been younger. So alive and childish and without a single worry on his mind.

"Or I could show you around." Kanaha gestured down the pitch-black, slim hallway. "Show you all the cool places you can reach with these passageways. And I can show you a really cool place where you can watch the sunrise." He held up his jar. "And we can celebrate our successful coup."

When Judar didn't answer quickly enough, he pouted, which looked more funny than sulky though. "Come on, it will be fun, I promise."

And Judar thought back to his room with a bed he didn't want to get back in for now, he thought back on being alone with his thoughts and that he didn't want that either.

"Okay." And then Kanaha smiled widely, just simply _happy_ and Judar felt something in his chest loosening, something he hadn't been aware of until now.

"That's great! Come on, I'll show you everything." His gaze landed on the wand as they started walking. "And how does it work? I once tried asking Yamuraiha about magic, but I kinda got a lot of water talk and I think I caught her at a bad time back then, she was sort of buried in scrolls and everything."

"That sounds like her, I think."

The kid laughed. "You should have seen the stunt she pulled with the hair magic! I swear, my dad's hair got so long; he could sweep the floor just by walking. Oh, and Sinbad's!" He laughed. "His eyebrows, his eyebrows grew at the end, all the way down to his feet!"

Judar stared at him. "Seriously?"

Kanaha looked at him, face serious and eyes laughing. "He didn't even want to cut them."

For a second Judar, pictured it and a laugh left his lungs before he could stop it. He laughed louder than he had in a long time and felt better than ever before, as he grinned from ear to ear. "For real? I don't believe that idiot!"

Kanaha grinned. "He thought it looked cool."

"Who looks cool with long eyebrows?" Judar laughed once more, talking between taking breaths and then he looked at the kid, a little light starting in his ruby eyes, small but there. "What else can you tell me?" Judar asked, still grinning and growing more and more curious.

"Have you heard about the pearl incident yet?" The blue haired boy grinned back.

"No, I haven't. What happened?" Judar raised the light of his wand, easily walking beside the kid.

Kanaha slightly puffed up in pride on getting to tell that tale. "There was said to be a huge pearl at the bottom of the ocean in front of Sindria. And Ja'far wanted it for money purposes. So he said, whoever got him the pearl, could get away with drinking."

Judar raised an eyebrow. "I can already see who would agree to that."

The kid grinned. "The king was the first to arrive at the shore. I heard Pisti stripped down and almost caused Spartos to die in embarrassment and he refused to look in her direction no matter what anyone said." He gestured while talking. "And then they all dived down. In the end, the king cheated by calling on Masrur."

Judar felt a short laugh breaking out of him. "Why can I imagine that so well?"

"They arrived first down there and guess what they found?"

"I bet no pearl."

"They found a sea creature. Masrur said that Sharrkan almost got eaten, but since Sharrkan vehemently denies that, I'm not sure about it." Kanaha picked another cookie from his jar. "In the end, they left the sea creature alone and returned to the surface." He perked up. "Oh, when we turn around the corner here, we get close to the corridor to the entrance hall. Here, see? You'll come out in a corner, almost behind a big painting. I wouldn't recommend going out there in broad daylight though, you'll be seen very quickly and easily."

"I see." Carefully, Judar shelved the information away, shortly holding his wand in the direction of the exit, seeing a wall with a stone that was raised jutting out from the rest.

"Come on, I'll show you the rest!"

Quickly, Judar followed Kanaha, who easily started to tell more about what had happened in the castle and who had done what mischief and Judar found himself relaxed and that he enjoyed it, that he felt lighter and better and somehow the kid was working magic on his mind, chasing his dark thoughts and memories away like clouds on a windy day.

They soon reached the secret place Kanaha had mentioned and once they stepped outside, Judar realized they stood almost on the roof of the palace, hidden away in a corner between two ornaments. The spot wasn't big, but the view was a different matter.

From here on, high up and close to the roof, they could see past the wall surrounding the palace and across the island. The sun had just started to rise, coloring the sky in gentle, light colors and letting rays of light fall through the few clouds in the sky. A glimmer of the ocean could be seen between two roofs in the distance.

Kanaha sat down, letting his legs dangle over the edge, placing the jar in his lap. He grinned at Judar. "Seeing that is great, isn't it?"

"Yeah." He sounded quieter than intended, but the Magi decided to let it slide and slowly sat down as well. The wind brushed up against him, flipping his bangs away from his forehead and for a moment Judar could _breathe_, almost as if he hadn't really been breathing before. Like something that clogged up his chest had thinned to be almost nonexistent.

"Hey, do you want to eat all of yours?" Kanaha nodded towards Judar's jar, his own empty, save for a few crumbs. Judar placed the jar between them.

"You only get half of them though," he said and the kid chuckled before they both grabbed another cookie.

Silence reigned between them, as they watched the sun rise, chasing shadows away and warming the air, as the sky turned lighter and the colors faded to the usual sky-blue.

Once the jar was empty, Kanaha stood up, dusting off his pants, before he turned towards Judar. "Do you still want me to show you around the secret paths?"

"Sure." In one, easy motion Judar was back on his feet, his wand already starting to glow, leaving his jar beside the edge.

Kanaha grinned happily. "Alright then! Oh, and…" He glanced at him, almost pondering. "I heard from dad you were playing quite a bit of mischief on them in the past?"

Judar felt his back tensing slightly, not sure how he should answer or take that, when the kid slowly started to smile. "In this case…what do you say, want to prank someone?"

For a long second, Judar stared at him, not really believing his words. Something in him pushed forward, strong and yearning and just as hungry for freedom as he himself was.

"Sure." The word came easily and it was even easier to get it past his lips.

"Awesome! Come on, I know exactly what we can do. It's harmless, I swear, just a bit of fun." Quickly, Kanaha opened the passageway and Judar followed him, a strong, warm feeling swirling in his chest, filling his limbs with energy and he found excitement brimming along his spine, starting slowly and gaining in strength with every step he took.

And for a small second, as he stared at Kanaha's back, he wondered if this was what it felt like to be childish and young and freer of worries than he had been as a kid. He wondered what it would have felt like to experience a real childhood, real fun without being streaked with darkness.

A quiet, light chirp beside his ear caused him to snap out of his thoughts and with one big step he was walking right beside Kanaha, looking up at him, the small spark in his ruby eyes slowly growing stronger.

"What have you planned?"

The kid grinned, mischief and life lighting up his own eyes.

* * *

Trying to stifle their laughter, Judar and Kanaha almost stumbled out of the secret passageway and out into the corridor, almost colliding with the statue right beside them – according to the kid, they were just a corner away from his dad's quarters.

"Did you see their faces? I swear to god, it was the best idea to steal that lingerie and stick it to the back of the guards' jackets!"

Judar slightly waved his wand, grinning. "I doubt they'll get it off that soon. I stuck it there nicely."

Kanaha suddenly grabbed his shoulder, inhaling loudly. "We have to go to the city the next time! There are so many possibilities! And we could –"

"Kanaha!" They both looked up when they heard the relieved voice of Hinahoho. The giant quickly walked towards them, his face showing half worry, half relief. Judar involuntarily stiffened and slightly shifted, trying to shake the urge to grip his wand tighter when Hinahoho almost loomed over them. "Where have you been? Do you know how worried I was? We woke up and you were gone and no one had seen you, no matter who I asked."

"Sorry, dad." Kanaha sheepishly rubbed his neck, slouching slightly, as his father placed his hands on his shoulder, giving him a quick look over, probably searching for possible injuries. "I was…just having fun. I met Judar downstairs."

Hinahoho's gaze wandered to the Magi, who felt his back tensing even more, not really moving. Then the giant sighed, his shoulders dropping slightly as he eased. "At least leave me a message the next time okay? I was worried something might have happened to you, especially since you missed breakfast too."

"Well, Judar and I had something this morning." Kanaha's eyes sparked up slightly. "But it's lunch time soon right? I actually feel kind of starved."

Hinahoho gently ruffled his hair. "Yeah, don't worry, lunch will be in an hour or so. But promise me to leave a note the next time you sneak out. And don't do anything dangerous."

"Yeah, I promise." He patted his father's arm and they smiled warmly at each other. Then Hinahoho turned towards Judar.

"Would you like to come and stay with us until lunch? Or do you have other plans?" When the Magi looked clearly surprised, Hinahoho, gestured down the corridor. "If you want to. I'd like to introduce you to the rest of my family, since we never really got around to do it officially."

At that, Judar hesitated. "I don't know…" He shifted slightly on his feet, wondering why he felt reluctant. Was he worried something might happen? No, that wasn't it. …was he actually worried someone might not like him? Baffled, he realized that it was exactly that. How…odd. It was so odd to _care_ about things like these when it came to people he hadn't met yet. So unfamiliar…and uncomfortable.

"Come on, I know they would like to and you're cool to have around." Kanaha encouraged, slight mischief sparking up in his eyes.

"You're welcome, Judar." Hinahoho's voice was warm, his eyes sincere. "And you're part of us now, which means you are family." Judar found, he suddenly had something in his throat and it was hard to swallow it away, his words silent as air escaped his lungs. He felt floored and something in his chest felt tight and warm while another part silently stung.

"Right?" Hinahoho turned to his son.

Kanaha nodded self-confidently. "Right!"

Slowly exhaling, Judar realized he felt powerless for a second. He felt astonished and he realized his mind was blank, his thoughts working at a snails space.

"So, what do you say Judar? Would you like to meet my family?" And in this second, Hinahoho was all welcoming warmth and gentle, strong kindness. Was this what a family felt like? Was this what it was like to think that one could be safe with those people? Could he really be a part of that?

The Rukh were chirping at him again, though he couldn't really make out their voices, with his inside jumbled up like that. But something in him was loosened ever since this morning. Something in him yearned. Something in him wanted this, wanted a family. Wanted a safe place. Wanted to feel like he, maybe, was worth being loved. And…he cared about Hinahoho, had started to without meaning it and now…now he…maybe he wanted this.

"Okay…I'd like to." His throat felt dry and his voice cracked slightly, but it felt…it oddly felt like a victory.

Something in him grew lighter and as he followed Hinahoho, another black Rukh turned white, chirping happy in high, light tones.

* * *

At lunch, Judar was slightly reeling from having met Hinahoho's family – and being greeted and accepted by all of them. Hinahoho's quarters had been lively and welcoming with wide, open windows and a mix of cool and slightly sunny colors, and his children had all been curious and nice. And taller. Judar had felt like some sort of dwarf most of the time, but oddly…not threatened or uncomfortable. It was clear that Hinahoho and his family were comfortable with their body size and they surely were aware of everything and everyone around them.

Being with them had been new, it had been unfamiliar and interesting. And then it had been warm and nice and slowly relaxing until it started to be fun.

Now, at lunch, Judar sat beside Sinbad and – oddly – Ja'far. He…was still sort of wary of Ja'far. And if he was honest with himself, around the advisor, he was the most worried he would fuck something up and lose all and any trust he had gotten – not only from him, from everyone actually.

"How are you today, Judar?" Sinbad asked him when they sat down, smiling at him, his golden eyes warm and the Magi felt himself smiling back, feeling at ease around the king.

"I'm…good, thanks." And after a pause, he added, "And you?" Though he wondered for a moment, did Sinbad hear about the prank Kanaha and he had pulled?

Sighing and smiling wryly, Sinbad glanced at Ja'far, who was listening to Yamuraiha talk about something. "A lot of work, but aside from that, I'm fine, thank you."

Paperwork…Judar was glad he never had anything to do with that. It sounded strenuous and he still remembered how much Koumei had had and that it never seemed to stop. And he dearly hoped he could stay away from having to do any paperwork of his own – but well, maybe that would be Ja'far's personal revenge for whatever, covering him in work until he set all papers on fire in a fit of frustration or boredom. Suppressing a grimace at the thought, Judar made a mental note to never bring up anything regarding work when he was around Ja'far. It might be the best to not give the guy any ideas in drowning the Magi in scrolls and letters and documents and whatnot.

"So, I heard you had fun today?" At Sinbad's barely concealed, amused tone, Judar looked at him and noticed the small twitch as the king hid a smile. So, apparently Sinbad had heard about the little panties-incident.

And yes, Sinbad had heard, from one of the head-guards actually. The king had to admit that he had to stifle a surprised, amused smile at hearing that _someone_ had pulled a prank. And since Sinbad had already discreetly asked around a bit – well, as discreetly as possible when half the castle already talked about it behind their hands – and he had come to the conclusion that Judar might have been the cause for the newest little bit of gossip.

"Well…" Shifting his eyes to the side, Judar caught Kanaha's gaze, the younger one trying to hide his smirk by stuffing his mouth with a big piece of bread. "I'm not sure what you're talking about." Trying his best to look innocent, Judar blinked at Sinbad, face almost neutral and curiously interested. His heart however, was beating slightly faster and his breath caught a bit in his throat, as he waited on how Sinbad would take that little teasing.

Judar himself wasn't really sure where it came from, but he didn't want to go back to the dark places and thoughts inside his head, he wanted to stay relaxed and he wanted to keep feeling more like himself. He wanted to be himself. He wanted to know who he could be and what parts of him belonged to the darkness Al-Tharmen had groomed and what parts were _him_. Playing pranks, as he had discovered today, was purely himself. Playing pranks had given him a feeling of fitting better into his own skin, of shifting something back to being right.

"Oh? So you don't know who had magically glued a pretty colorful repertoire of lingerie on the backs of some of the guards?" Sinbad's golden eyes seemed to smile and the look he gave Judar was clearly amused, his face however, had the same almost innocent and slightly curious expression that the Magi had. Internally, Sinbad was grinning and laughing and he felt so very happy that Judar started to be comfortable enough to play a small prank.

The king felt his chest swell with affection and love and the pure happy satisfaction that came from seeing the younger male growing more confident, on seeing him heal and becoming himself again. And in this moment, Sinbad longed to stretch out his hand and touch Judar, move a thumb along his cheek and brush those shining black bangs aside. He wished to lean over and smile, to feel Judar closer to him and to touch him. And just to tell and show him how happy and proud he was on seeing a little light returning to those beautiful ruby eyes.

Remembering back on the long evening he had spent with his Magi just yesterday, Sinbad felt his eyes soften and for a moment their quiet talks floated through his mind, making him feel even happier to see his hope of Judar healing confirmed right now.

"Maybe you should ask one of your magicians. Who knows, people can sleepwalk." Judar popped a grape into his mouth and shifted slightly, when he realized that Ja'far had turned to them. He seemed to have overheard their conversation.

Sinbad, who noticed Ja'far as well, smiled at him and Ja'far raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying the innocent look the king was currently displaying. Then the advisor turned to Judar, calm and when he smiled tentatively, Judar was very much taken aback.

"Judar, could I have a moment of your time after lunch? There is something I would like to talk about, but it can wait until after dinner, if you are busy with something."

For a second, Judar didn't know how to respond, before he gave a short nod. "After lunch is fine", he added, a little bit quieter than before. Inside his head however, he was sorting through his actions, wondering if there might be something that could be taken as treacherous or bad or…the panty incident couldn't have been _that_ bad. Sinbad apparently did worse on almost every journey, and he still had his head on his shoulders and all fingers and toes to count for.

"Thanks. We can go to the study room to talk then." Ja'far answered, his smile less tentative this time and almost…open. But it also seemed friendly enough so Judar wondered if he wasn't in trouble, what could the advisor want from him? He – according to Yamuraiha – wasn't ready yet to be introduced to their defense magic and he knew he had a bit of studying left to do, before he could understand everything. So, what did Ja'far want?

His thoughts were disturbed by a charmingly happy chirp and a handful of pink Rukh flew by his face in a fluttery swarm, almost clouding the air with their pinkish glow and Judar resisted the urge to slap them away – or to glare at the people he thought responsible for them. Though when he looked over to Yamuraiha and Sharrkan, he was slightly surprised to see that they weren't arguing for once. They were talking normally enough and then Yamuraiha even laughed, and Judar caught the small moment when Sharrkan's eyes seemed to soften, almost as if in wonderment as a gentle smile stole across his lips, before he was back to his usual, confident self, smirking at the blue haired woman.

Yamuraiha herself was relaxed, her staff leaning against her hip and Judar wasn't quite sure why, but he was…actually happy to see that they got along. That they could make each other smile and feel…good and happy.

Were relationships like that? Judar got a feeling that he is slowly starting to understand what friendship was like, even what it could be like to have a family. Ever since he came to Sindria, he had discovered that there was so much more, to the Rukh, to himself, to others. Just alone for that and for his freedom, for the respect he and his words and choices got, he could thank Sinbad eternally.

Slowly turning to the king at his side, who seemed to contemplate whether or not to get more rice, Judar took a moment to look at the older male.

Sinbad was considered good looking by most people who met him, that much the Magi was aware of ever since he had met the other. But there was more to the king. The care he had for his Djinn containers, how he took care of himself and the happy, content glow in his eyes, whenever he was surrounded by the people he cared about. Judar wondered how many more facets there were to the king, what sides he still could discover.

Sinbad then looked over to him and a questioning expression crossed his face. Judar just looked back and for a moment there, the king could see him, more open than ever before.

"Thank you." Judar's voice was quiet, so quiet that Sinbad almost didn't understand him. For a moment, the king felt slight confusion, before he smiled and placed a hand on Judar's shoulder.

"Whatever it is, you're welcome. Though I'm not sure what could make you thank me." He paused and leaned over a bit. "If it's because of the panties though, I believe someone simply sleep walked around and had a bottle of glue which was, coincidentally, magical." The king raised an eyebrow. "Though, should I get paperwork regarding that incident, you will do it."

Judar blanched at the thought and his distaste seemed to show on his face, since Sinbad chuckled slightly. "But I doubt anyone will report this aside from telling me personally."

When Sinbad leaned forward to get himself some more rice, Judar glanced across the table to Kanaha, who gave him a discreet thumps-up and an impish grin, before his brother caught his attention by reaching for the meat and almost, accidentally, knocking Kanaha's cup over.

Judar settled back into his seat, still relaxed and something in him at ease. He felt good and took the slight fussing of Hinahoho and Sinbad over his food with humor, because really, they were just watching out for him. And he didn't want to cause them any more trouble or worry them, so he took some fruits without complaint and did his best to eat them all – though he barely managed it without feeling too full, a feeling which he usually didn't like very much.

Then lunch was over and after a short chat with Yamuraiha – who was inviting him to her lab for some experiments – Judar was left alone with Ja'far. And even though he didn't want to admit it, a little part of him was nervous.

The advisor had his hands in his sleeves like usual, before he gestured to the door. "Let's get going then. The study room isn't far from here."

Judar simply nodded, since he wasn't sure what to say and he followed Ja'far out of the big dining room, the servants already cleaning up everything.

The walk to the study room was silent and Judar wasn't sure if it was an awkward silence or if it was alright this way. He did contemplate though what the advisor could possibly want. When they reached the room, he still had no clue.

Ja'far smoothly opened the door and gestured for Judar to step inside first, before he followed him and gently shut the door behind them.

Then Ja'far turned to him and Judar couldn't help feeling a bit more nervous for a second. He didn't know where he stood with Ja'far. The other had made it clear pretty well that he didn't trust him and that one really wrong move could have Judar in prison or kicked out of Sindria or…maybe even dead. Ja'far had made it clear after all, that he was ready to do something this drastic if he had to.

Ja'far himself took a short second to assess the Magi. The raven seemed a little bit stiff and his face was carefully neutral. His ruby eyes were watching the advisor and a slight frown formed between his eyebrows.

Ja'far was well aware how their last talk had gone and decided to get to the point as soon as possible. "Would you like to sit down?" he asked while taking his own seat.

After a moment of slight and well hidden hesitance, Judar sat down in the chair across from Ja'far. The advisor noticed how Judar didn't fidget, his body almost still and his ruby eyes didn't give a single thing away. In this moment, Ja'far was aware how cautious Judar was. Maybe the Magi didn't want to mess anything up; maybe the Magi didn't trust him. They really had to talk.

Ja'far took a moment to compose himself and to think of how he wanted to say everything. This wasn't an easy thing after all and the trust he had begun to form towards Judar was still in need of strengthening. In all honesty, Ja'far didn't know much about the Magi aside from their past meetings – which weren't the prettiest, he could attest to that.

"I firstly want to say that I realize I have been a bit harsh with you, at Pipirika's party." The advisor could almost visibly see Judar straightening up, his gaze turning slightly sharper and his feelings were hidden away even better. Ja'far realized that he hadn't seen the Magi this serious and attentive before. He was more…used to the image of Judar taunting them or attacking them, grinning darkly and eyes alight with something no one should have in their gaze.

But now, the Judar in front of him seemed…different. And young. Maybe for the first time, Ja'far truly realized that Judar isn't that old, that he is not quite an adult yet. And for a split second, the advisor thought that maybe Judar had been a bit like he had once been. On the wrong side of the tracks, seeing the wrong things, growing up in a world too harsh and getting cut up by the sharp edges the adult had poked them with until they had formed and molded into what they had wanted.

Ja'far could be wrong, but he could also be right. He didn't know enough about Judar personally…but he knew enough about Al-Tharmen. That organization destroyed and hurt and killed and spread darkness like a disease. What would it have been like, to grow up right in the middle of all that?

Maybe it was close or comparable to growing up as an assassin. Having to kill his own parents, getting weapons put into his hands and training until throwing up, until his hands and knuckles and feet bled and he couldn't feel his legs or arms anymore. Until something empty ate away at him, leaving him with something that could be filled by darkness and harsh thoughts no one should have.

The best he could do right now however, was to be as honest as possible. "I didn't really trust you back then." Ja'far paused for a seconds, his hands resting on his knees. "I don't know how much I trust you now, but I wanted to you to know that I _do_ trust you." He looked straight at Judar, who had met his eyes, holding the contact as well. "I don't know much about you, Judar. And I won't apologize for protecting my friends and family, but I want you to know that I have changed my view of you. I would like to get to know you and trust you more. I would like to leave the past behind us and…you are a part of Sindria and I know it will probably take some time, since I myself still have to leave some lingering doubt behind, but what do you say? Would you like to see if we can get along?"

Judar stared at him now, looking somewhat dumbfound. Then the Magi shifted slightly in his seat, looking to the side and it seemed as if he was thinking.

Ja'far watched him, calm and accepting of whatever answer came. Trust wasn't easily earned and they both didn't feel too much of that towards the other. Judar probably didn't really trust Ja'far at all, but the advisor wanted to…try to start over maybe. The past could never be erased and things had changed now. And if there was a chance to make things right, to make this a good thing, Ja'far was ready to take it. He hadn't been when Judar had first arrived or the days and first weeks after that, but he was ready now and he was well aware that it would be a slow process between him and Judar.

Finally, the Magi looked at him and it was less shielded and less…tense and wary. There was a hint of uncertainty in his red eyes and his fingers had slightly started to fidget in his lap. His back, however, was still straight and he was still attentive and observant.

"Okay." Judar answered, before he continued. "Though, I don't know what you expect from me or if I can do it."

This really wasn't the Magi he had met again and again over the years, Ja'far thought. This, in front of him, now, was someone who just started to learn what it really meant to be a Magi. Probably even what it meant to be free and to be himself.

"You don't have to do anything. For now, how about we start with little talks here and there? Asking when we don't understand something or when we have questions regarding things." Ja'far smiled a little, his serious face slowly making space for…a warmer expression. Something more open and accepting.

"I see." Judar nodded. "We can try that." He shifted slightly again. "Do you…have any questions right now?"

Ja'far, if he was honest with himself, thought that they should do these things in a more relaxed setting. Somewhere where they both felt more at ease and could talk with each other easier.

"No, not really. Do you?"

Judar hesitated, before he shook his head. "Me neither." He still looked thoughtful though.

Ja'far felt his smile widening a bit, more involuntarily than anything else and he felt the pressing matter of talking to their Magi leaving his thoughts. They had a start, it may not be a big thing, but it honestly felt like an accomplishment. They had started off as enemies and now they could see if there was a friend to win in the other.

Ja'far was willing to try that. He wanted to see who Judar was, who their Magi was now that Al-Tharmen wasn't influencing him anymore.

Standing up, the advisor moved his hands into his sleeves. "Then I will leave. There is still a lot of work to do. I think we won't see each other again before dinner." He gave the Magi another, tentative smile. "Until tonight then."

And Judar nodded, still a little serious but also more relaxed than before. After a short second of hesitance on his side, he answered. "See you around."

With a last, almost polite nod, Ja'far left the room, feeling in a good mood, as he walked down the corridor. This had gone over far better than he had thought. A little awkward, but good nonetheless.

Judar, still sitting inside the study room, slumped into his chair, leaning back and exhaling a long breath. He hadn't…expected that. Half of him was still reeling and trying to wrap his brain around the fact that Ja'far actually started to trust him.

Another half of him felt stunned, astonished and almost…yeah, almost proud. He was doing something right with this, wasn't he? If even the advisor started to trust him…Judar was acutely aware, what that meant.

He was truly starting to be a part of Sindria. It felt like now that Ja'far accepted him, he really _belonged_. He was…he was really one of them now. This was truly his home now. It was, wasn't it?

Judar felt a short laugh escape him, breathy and slightly choked up, but he felt so much more lighter than before. His shoulders dropped and he wondered for a long moment, why this was so important to him.

It took him a bit until he realized why, and why it made him so relieved and actually happy that Ja'far didn't hate him, that the advisor wanted to get to know him and trust him. Ja'far was close to all the generals and to Sinbad as well. He was loved and trusted, and he cared for the others as the others cared for him. He had an eye on almost everything that went on in Sindria and around it and in the alliance – he probably knew the most, aside from Sinbad.

Ja'far was…watching out for those he cared about. He always felt like someone who would stand between a loved one and danger in less than a second without a second thought.

Being accepted by Ja'far was like…not exactly like approval, but like he was worth it. Like Judar could really start to leave his past behind. He could start over; truly use the second chance Sinbad had given him without much thought.

Stretching his legs out, Judar closed his eyes for a moment, wondering about this truly good day. He was thankful for it. He had found an unexpected companion in Hinahoho's kid, had met the family of the kind giant and he had a positive talk with Ja'far.

Was this what it felt like to not worry about things? To, for once, feel worthy of everything and like he could be who he always, secretly, wanted to be? Was this what it was like to be free and to have support in his decisions and feel welcome wherever he went?

It was the greatest thing. It was liberating and warm and light and when Judar opened his eyes he, truly for the first time, could see the world free of shadows and for a second he appreciated the simple fact that the sun shone and that he could be here, in Sindria. His _home_.

Getting to his feet in a quick, almost effortless movement, Judar left the study room, feeling a smile sneaking on his face. He didn't really care. He was happy right now and he didn't want to hide it. Because he was safe here, he truly started to believe that now, to feel it. No one would hurt him in this castle, no one would grab him and discreetly pull him aside, making him freeze up in fear so much he even lost the grip on his wand. No one forcing him to do anything. Here were only people who watched out for him, took care he ate enough, and that he learned and became a part of them and their country. Of their people.

For a short moment, Judar felt his mood drop a bit as he cursed Al-Tharmen in his head, for lying to him, for sneaking all those thoughts in his head and making the word 'war' taste so good on his tongue. He hated them for never giving him a choice, for coloring his Rukh so black it seemed to swallow up any light. He hated them for the things they allowed to happen to him.

A gentle chirp interrupted his thoughts and he felt his Rukh swarming around him, almost as if to cheer him back up. As if they wanted him to be happy. Judar stared at the pitch-black, small birds for a moment.

It was his Rukh and he didn't hate it, but…it couldn't be what could make him into a bad person, right? He didn't know his Rukh any different. And it was his Rukh, his little chirping voices that kept him company as a child and fluttered around so he had at least a little bit of something to play with when no one looked. His little voices to whisper to him on nights he couldn't sleep or when nightmares made him shake and gasp and lose sight of who he was and where he was. They had been with him, through war and peace and good and bad and he…he loved them. His Rukh.

Judar suddenly caught sight of a few white Rukh fluttering past his face and for a moment he wondered if they had lingered here for a moment, or if they just went somewhere, when he heard quiet voices.

His attention diverted, Judar peeked around the corner, hidden by a pedestal with a thigh vase with flowers and saw Hinahoho and Spartos, who were walking in his direction. But their steps were slow and their faces somewhat serious. The giant patiently watched the redhead at his side with calm eyes, while Spartos seemed to search for words for a second.

When he spoke, Judar could hear what he said. "I'm just wondering, I don't mean to offend, it's just…I still don't really know what to think." He quickly held up his hand. "Don't misunderstand; I don't hold a grudge or anything of the sort. I was just wondering, since you have…" Spartos faltered slightly.

Hinahoho's smile was somewhat sad and nostalgic as he placed a comforting hand on the shoulder of the shorter man. "Lost my wife? You can say it, really. It stopped hurting a while ago. I miss her and now I'm glad I can think of her without feeling guilt or hurting. And my kids are okay now too."

Spartos still looked like he wasn't quite comfortable with breaching that subject and they stopped walking beside a window, looking outside for a moment.

"I was just wondering, since you lost her in…in the attack and you invited Judar into your home today, how you feel about all that."

Judar lifted an eyebrow before he frowned slightly, making sure they still didn't see him. What did he have to do with…whatever Spartos wanted to say? The Magi knew he probably shouldn't eavesdrop, that this was a private conversation and it most likely wasn't meant for his ears. However, a big part of him wanted to know more about the generals, wanted to understand them better. And he had no ulterior motives or anything and as long as no one saw him…

Hinahoho rubbed his chin for a long second, breathing in a bit deeper. Spartos looked slightly anxious but he patiently waited for an answer.

Hinahoho moved a thumb along the scar on his cheek. "To be honest, Judar was a child back then and…I don't deny that I didn't have a bit of a difficult time, but I have children myself and…I know how malleable they are. Adults can tell and teach a child in their care pretty much anything and they believe it."

Judar's frown deepened slightly and he unconsciously moved a hand to his belly, feeling something quietly tighten and an odd sensation settled somewhere between his chest and his stomach.

"I never blamed him." Hinahoho continued, his voice serious and quiet. "I blame Al-Tharmen and the troops that came and attacked, but…I never blamed him or Sinbad, even if Sinbad blamed himself for the whole thing."

Something started to sting now in his stomach and Judar wondered why it suddenly was more difficult than before to draw a deeper breath.

"So no, I don't blame Judar that his attack on Sindria, under the orders and influence of Al-Tharmen, caused my wife's death. He wasn't even there during the fight."

Judar's ears started to ring as he felt the air rushing out of his lungs and his knees gave out as he silently sank to the floor, eyes no longer on the talking generals but on the wall opposite of him. His heartbeat was echoing in his ears and his hands were numb and why couldn't he breathe?

He didn't hear the rest of the talk or how Hinahoho and Spartos turned and walked to the direction they came from, never once noticing him.

Judar felt like someone had crushed the ground under his feet, like something had split him straight through the middle and now he was falling inwards, his split sides crashing against each other and sinking down in a mess of something that had been a foundation of getting somewhere before. Something in him crumbled like a house of cards in the wind.

Judar didn't hear the chirp of the Rukh or felt their touches as he stared at them, numb and a part of him wondering why he wasn't feeling anything and why it still felt like he had forgotten how to breathe.

Something empty loomed inside of him and when he blinked, he remembered Kanaha and his siblings, he remembered Hinahoho laughing at a joke of his sister, he remembered sitting among them, a cup of water in his hands and he remembered answering simple questions on magic the kids asked him. He remembered the cookie theft and how Kanaha had showed him his cool secret paths and how they could spook the guards without being seen. He remembered warmth and kindness and laughter and a sense of being close to what a family could feel like.

Then he found his head in his hands, his fingers digging into his hair, still not really feeling it, as he tried to remember what attack they had talked about, going back through the hated memories of Al-Tharmen, their dizzying whispers in his ears and to his Rukh and how something about their touches seemed to keep him in the dark.

He thought back until he froze as he remembered standing in front of one of the Al-Tharmen guys, wand in his hand and that there were a lot of flames and buildings collapsed and there were screams and he just stood there, staring at it all until a heavy hand landed on his shoulder. The guy behind him crouched down and a grin could be seen behind his veil.

'_Good job_.' He had said, so proudly, so darkly and Judar had swallowed it, taken it as the truth.

Judar remembered the attack now, though only in snippets and pieces, never everything, probably because it was already in the past. God, how old had he been? How old had Hinahoho's children been as their mother died?

This time, Judar felt his struggle for breath more clearly than before, his heart beating faster as he tried to remember how to breathe and how to forget everything he had dug up.

Thoughts raced through his head and he couldn't even stop them, couldn't stop the guilt from swallowing him like a huge wave, because he cared, because he had started to care and be cared for and because he liked Hinahoho and his family and because it felt like he was home with them. He remembered how effortlessly they had accepted him, had welcomed him and how he, for the first time in his life, had witnessed what a family was, had been a part of it, no matter how foreign it had been to him at first.

He didn't know what to do now. He didn't know what to say or to think or how he could ever talk to Hinahoho and his kids and sister again.

Why was he even here? With a rush, Judar remembered all the things he had done, all the bad things he had brought to Sindria and to Sinbad especially, because Sinbad was free and strong and Al-Tharmen had had their claws always so deep in his head he was never outside of the darkness, always swallowed up and drowned in it and he remembered snippets of chants, like out of a dream, of the empress standing beside him, smile ice cold and eyes cruelly sharp, her voice pulling him down even more.

Judar wasn't aware he had started to gasp for air, until his head suddenly connected with the wall behind him, painfully and it was like a shock through his system as he came crashing back to himself. He felt the cold sweat on his neck, his back was too hot and his hands were shaky and his limbs weak, but he could breathe again. Taking deep gulps he tried to calm his racing heart, tried to gather his thoughts again.

He didn't know what to do. And he couldn't get up either. He couldn't even think straight. His hands started to become numb again and his legs looked like they were shaking, or maybe he was just shaking wholly or he still couldn't see clearly but he tried to breathe, just to breathe and think.

He never heard the feet heading his way, but he noticed Masrur as soon as the redhead rounded the corner. Once he saw him, the Fanalis quickly looked around, before he crouched down besides Judar.

"What happened?" He asked, calm and his eyes intense. Judar tried to answer, tried his hardest to stop behaving this way, to stop being so weak, to stop needing help and to stop being so damn fucked up. He tried to answer, tried to speak and get his lungs to work properly, to get his legs to stop shaking and to stand up and smirk and pretend like he was okay, like he wasn't the most disturbed person around.

Masrur carefully stretched out his hands when the Magi didn't answer and pulled him to his feet. Judar almost felt his knees were giving out again, before he forced them to work and somehow they did and he felt weaker than ever before and by the Rukh, he felt like _crying._

"I'm sorry", he gasped out, even if he didn't want to. That wasn't what he wanted to say, but it was the only thing coming out, the only thing he could think to say. And he wasn't sure what he apologized for. That Masrur saw him like this? That he was the reason why Hinahoho's wife was dead? That he was too fucked up to be a good and normal person?

He didn't know, but he felt Masrur keeping a steadying grip on him and slowly leading him down the floor, all calm and quiet. Judar felt himself sagging somewhat as his breathing slowly got back to normal and he was left powerless and shaky and with a jumbled up mind.

He didn't know what to do now. He didn't know what to think or what not to do as Masrur led him somewhere and he couldn't even really care.

"What happened?" Masrur asked again, still in the same calm but clear tone of voice as they rounded a corner.

Judar's mouth was dry and his voice sounded slightly cracked. "Nothing." He barely swallowed the '_I'm sorry_', that wanted to follow and he closed his eyes and tried to forget everything, tried to block out his memories and the voices ringing in his head. He tried to forget all the wrong in his life and tried to focus on the good things. He tried to shove down the guilt and the vile feeling in his chest that made him feel like throwing up and suffocating at the same time.

Judar could barely remember a time when he last hated himself this much.

"Judar? By the Rukh, what happened?" Judar's eyes snapped open as he heard Hinahoho's voice. The giant came towards them – alone this time – and he was at their side with a few, quick steps. His eyes were concerned and he leaned down, quick to try to help or support or to just be there and try to make things better.

"I'm sorry." Judar couldn't stop it this time, not when the giant was right in front of him, still kind and strong and gentle and attentive and treating him like he was part of the family.

He felt his knees growing too weak again and both Masrur and Hinahoho were quick to tighten their grips on his arms. For a second, Judar almost jerked away, drowning in hot shame and disgust towards his own weakness and that he couldn't even apologize properly, even if it didn't solve anything or brought anyone back.

For a long second, Hinahoho looked at him, equally confused and concerned, before understanding dawned on him and Judar looked to the side, trying to get his legs to cooperate with him and his hands to stop shaking and his heart to stop beating so fast.

"Masrur, would you mind letting us talk?" Hinahoho asked, voice quiet and serious. The Fanalis nodded and stepped back, almost carefully transferring Judar to Hinahoho. And Judar closed his eyes and wondered why they were stinging because he couldn't cry. He never cried before and he wouldn't now. He couldn't, he really couldn't. That weakness couldn't be seen, by anyone. That he was in this state was horribly bad enough.

Then Masrur was walking away and Hinahoho moved him along and Judar just let it happen, fighting to stay on his legs and to breathe and to be damn normal again and under control and not so horribly fucked up.

They reached a room, where or whose or which one, Judar didn't know and he didn't really care, only that everything about him was so wrong and Hinahoho should hate him for what had happened in the past and by the Rukh, just how could Sinbad ever thought him worthy of a second chance?

"You overheard our conversation, didn't you?" Hinahoho asked quietly, once he had seated Judar and himself on a sofa, still keeping a hand on one of Judar's elbows as if he still had to keep the Magi up. And maybe he really had to because Judar hadn't felt this small and shamed and hurt and shaken in quite a while.

Judar managed a shaky nod and wished it wasn't that shaky, wished he could stop feeling so cold and sweaty and lightheaded and like he didn't deserve to be here.

Hinahoho was silent for a moment, opening his mouth, before closing it and then, before Judar knew it, he felt himself gently pulled into a one-armed hug. He stiffened and froze up. And he wasn't sure if this was okay because no one touched him usually and why was the warm hand on his shoulder more comforting than it should be?

"It's okay." Hinahoho's voice sounded quiet, gentle and warm, and that couldn't be because who wouldn't hate Judar after all that? "It's okay. You're not at fault, Judar. You were just a child. You're not wrong."

Judar closed his eyes, torn between fighting out of the hug and between staying because he had never received comfort from anyone beside Sinbad. And no one else had ever cared about his feelings like this and tried to make him feel like he wasn't as messed up as so many thought and said he was.

Hinahoho still had a hand over his shoulder and Judar realized that he had started to slightly sway them, like one would a crying and hurting kid.

And he wanted to scoff at that because he was no child and he should get his guard all the way back up and walk away, but he couldn't. Because he felt incredibly small and vulnerable even though he didn't want to and even if a part of him, the part that never trusted anyone harshly disagreed, he felt…close to safe.

He had never felt this vulnerable and hurt at the same time around someone who just accepted it and kept him safe and tried to soothe him. Judar closed his eyes and just tried to breathe and to remember how to get his wits back together, how to collect all the parts of himself and glue them back into place, like he had done before.

"It's alright." Hinahoho said, closing his eyes himself and wondering just what he could say to make this right again. Because he can see that Judar hadn't taken that overheard conversation well. He can see that the Magi was shaken and trying to get himself back under control, and a part of his heart ached fiercely, because he felt like no one had ever truly been there for Judar when he had grown up. Just the thought that one of his own kids could ever be in such a situation…

"I'm not angry or hateful." The giant continued, still calm, still quiet, still comforting. "I don't blame you for anything. You were a child. That was the life you were given and it wasn't your fault you lived in it. Children are never wrong and you aren't either. None of it is your fault. And it never will be. Place the blame on those who made you do it. On those who attacked, on the ones who hurt others."

And Judar wanted to say that he had hurt people too, that he had hurt Sinbad and that he hurt Aladdin and so many others, but a part of him wasn't letting the words come out. Because that part remembered the voices in his head, remembered the hands reaching for him and painting everything dark and swallowing the light and closing around his neck to choke the life out of him.

He blinked as he found one of his hands closing around the cushion of the sofa, inhaling deeply and he quickly tried to shake those memories away.

"You are not to blame for the actions of others." Hinahoho said, firm and serious. "A child needs to be guided, they need to learn about the world and learn how everything works and how to be proud of themselves, to live true to their hearts. You are not at fault that those who taught you, taught you wrongly and tried to make you into whatever they wanted. You are not to blame for what they told you to do. Children listen to those making up their world. There is no fault in you."

Tension rippled through Judar's shoulders as he tried to reason with himself, torn between being swallowed by guilt and memories of his wrong doings and the part of him that found the truth in Hinahoho's words.

Because he had always wanted a normal life. He had wanted a nice home with parents that kept the nightmares away and chased the monsters out the door. He maybe had wanted a sibling to play with and to build castles with and to play around with magic with them. He had wanted to be safe and to have someone who he could come to when he had to cry, someone who listened and believed him when he told them that someone hurt him.

"I never had a family" Judar found himself saying, though it was more like he was spitting the words out, torn between hating Al-Tharmen even more, for himself, for the hurt they brought others and between hating himself for what they had made him do, for what he had done.

"You can have one now. There is the family we are born into, but when it comes down to it, when you are old enough, you pick the family you want to be with, no matter who, even if it is a stitched together group of teens taking on the world. There is a home and a family for all of us." Hinahoho moved his hand to Judar's hair, soothingly running a hand through it and the Magi felt the tension in his shoulders close to breaking. "If you want to and if you want us, you can always have a place in my family and with the generals. We are all family here; we all belong with each other. This is our home and if you want to, you can be part of that at any time you want. We would like you to. My family likes you and I like you, Judar. You're welcome any time."

Judar felt the tension breaking, his body slumping as his head came to rest shortly under Hinahoho's ribs and he didn't know what to do with himself and the wave of feelings erupting in him, drowning him in a flurry he couldn't decipher.

He was fighting against the urge to cry for real this time and between pulling away from the hug and from Hinahoho because he was opening up, and that could get him hurt. And yes, he wanted a place to belong and he wanted a family, but could he really trust this? Could he really accept it and see that it was real and right and what it should be like?

Torn internally, Judar stared at his hands, one lying uselessly in his lap, the other still holding onto the sofa. Most of all though, he was also very much overwhelmed. He was given so much, too much, and he couldn't give anything in return.

Judar only realized that he had said the last part out loud, when Hinahoho chuckled shortly and quietly, though it was without any real mirth. "Your trust is the biggest thing you could give us, when you are okay with it. And you went through a lot, Judar." Sadness and a slight bite of anger rose in the giant when he felt Judar tense slightly in alarm. "I don't know what it is, but I trust my gut feeling in this. Don't you think, that it's alright for good things to come your way for once?"

Judar didn't know how to answer. He didn't know if he deserved it or if he was even worth it or why good things would ever come his way without him fighting hard for it.

He didn't know what to think about it either. Could good things come without wanting anything in return? Could he actually hope for things to just be fine and good and stay that way?

He didn't know and he also didn't know about Hinahoho's offer. He didn't even know what to feel about himself and why he had allowed others to see him this weak and this down.

But maybe, for now, he could believe it. He could believe it until his strength came back and he could glue himself together again, and he could walk and go work on his magic and try to be useful for a change.

So Judar closed his eyes, half tense, half slowly relaxing, as he tried to believe and accept what was offered so selflessly it still had him close to crying.

And a part of him felt different, like the edges had changed and he wondered how he would fit around that part now and he was almost scared to find out. Scared to discover what had changed and what that change would bring.

Another, small part spoke up then, almost in a quiet whisper, reminding him that he, for the first time in his life, wasn't alone anymore. If he allowed it, there were people who would stand by him and help him find his way. He just had to take the hands they reached out to him.

Normally Judar wouldn't listen to that voice, but the new part in him, the changed part allowed him to start to believe. To start to trust. To start to feel like it was alright to trust and hope. Like he could believe he was worth something.


	15. Crying

**I very much apologize for the long wait again! (It took me longer than I expected to get the chapter done after returning) So I hope this chapter can excuse the long absence of an update!**

**I again thank Frozen Peaches, who works with me amazingly and reminds me of all the important little details I'm prone to overlook. So thank you, my lovely beta-reader!**

**And thank you, to all of you, who reviewed or followed this story! That's always a huge reason for me to continue it and to keep writing. You inspire me a lot and your support means a lot to me as well, so thank you for always keeping my hyped on getting to write on this baby!**

**Warnings: Possible OoC-ness, mentions of past abuse, yaoi in later chapters.**

**I very much hope you enjoy and like this chapter!**

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The paperwork didn't seem to want to end. Sinbad felt like groaning and a small –or rather, surprisingly big – part of himself wanted to just scrawl his signature under everything and just shove the big pile in front of him to someone else, who then would make sure that what he signed was actually useful.

Staring at the paper in front of him, the king found his thoughts drifting away. Not surprisingly, Judar always managed to float into his mind easily. The purple haired male very often thought of the younger male and of the things that had changed. Sinbad also thought about the things he would like to change between them, but he didn't know how to. Like how he could get Judar to positively consider the idea of liking Sinbad back. Or consider the idea at all, since he didn't want to push the raven into something he would be afraid of or feel uncomfortable with.

Sighing quietly, the king found his hand playing with the edge of his sleeve as he leaned back in his chair, his gaze wandering towards the windows. Maybe he should take a break. It could help him to focus again if he walked a bit and stretched his legs.

Just as Sinbad was about to get up, he heard a knock on the door and for a moment he was close to praying that whoever was there wouldn't bring him more work.

"Enter please." The king called out and brightened up for a second when he saw Hinahoho coming in, only to straighten once he saw the gravely serious expression on the face of his friend. "Did something happen?"

With a heavy sigh, Hinahoho sat down in front of Sinbad and dragged a hand through his hair. "Yes, that's why I am here. Sinbad, I have a few questions. Do you have time right now?"

"Sure." Keeping his golden eyes on the face of his friend, Sinbad quickly went through what might have happened. Somehow his thoughts stuck to the Magi. "What do you want to know? I'll help you if I can."

"Your help would be good." Hinahoho's shoulders dropped slightly, before he looked directly at the king. His eyes were as serious as Sinbad remembered them to be after the death of his friend's wife. If he was honest, Sinbad was worried, when the giant opened his mouth. "It's about Judar."

For a second, the High King thought that he would take any mountain of paperwork at any time, if it meant that Judar could have a peaceful day. When he spoke, Sinbad was slightly surprised to find his mouth dry. "What happened?" He really hoped that it wasn't anything too bad...

"He overheard Spartos and I talking about Rurumu's death." Hinahoho sounded quietly pained at that and Sinbad groaned slightly.

"That's bad." Sinbad mumbled quietly, half his mind worriedly thinking about going and searching for Judar right now.

"Yeah. Masrur found him afterwards and I met them when he was walking Judar down the corridor." Hinahoho leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "I talked to him, but I don't know how much reached him."

This was bad. Sinbad was very well aware how bad that was. And he was quietly a little angry at himself, that he hadn't thought so far yet.

Looking up, the king held his friend's gaze. "How is he?"

Hinahoho's shoulders dropped slightly and he exhaled quietly. "Not so well, I fear. He…was clearly …not well and he keept a lid on everything and when he left, he said something about going to his room and later to Yamuraiha. I'm just not sure if he really will or if it was just an excuse."

"I will go and look for him then." Sinbad found himself saying without thinking, feeling worry creep through his chest.

Hinahoho nodded, before he spoke up again. "If you don't mind, I'd like to talk to him again as well, once he's ready to listen. And…Sinbad?"

"Yes?" The king wasn't too sure how he should take the conflicted emotions on his friend's face. Something seemed to win out, as the giant took a deeper breath and continued.

"Something has happened to Judar, hasn't it?" Their eyes met and for a long, heavy moment, silence reigned over the room, deafening any sound.

Sinbad knew he couldn't possibly tell Hinahoho any of Judar's secrets, that was a betrayal he couldn't commit, not after finally getting some trust from the raven. However, he also wouldn't lie to his friend. "I'm sorry Hinahoho, I can't really tell you anything."

"I see…so something did happen." Hinahoho frowned slightly and looked down on his hands and Sinbad didn't bother to say anything. The giant had been right in his conclusion after all. "I got the feeling that there was something going on, ever since we talked at my sister's party. Just, tell me one thing please. Is it as bad as it looks to me, or worse?"

Sinbad suddenly found his throat dry as he swallowed; his voice quiet. "Worse, I fear, though I myself don't know that much." But he knew enough already, enough to get his blood boiling.

A muscle worked in his friend's jaw and Hinahoho took a deep breath, straightening. Their eyes met and Sinbad saw the same silent anger in the giant that he felt swirling in himself. Hinahoho shook his head. "I can't believe this…just…can we help? Can I help?"

"I don't know." Giving that sort of answer was more uncomfortable than Sinbad had thought. He wished he could give his friend a different response. Something more hopeful. Or at least something more useful.

"I don't think Judar wants to see me right now." Hinahoho murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. He suddenly looked a little older, a little more worn down, but still with that silent anger, that caused him to curl his other hand into a loose fist. Though, in the next moment the anger drained away and worry stayed behind. "Can you tell him that he can come and talk to me anytime he wants?"

The king nodded. "Of course. What do you want to do now?"

"I want to talk to my kids and my sister. I'll explain to them that we should give Judar some space until we can see where we stand with him."

"That sounds like a good idea." Sinbad found a small smile crossing his face, before he became serious again. "Thank you, for telling me what happened."

"Yeah." Hinahoho smiled slightly in return. "I trust you and I know that you have gotten closer to Judar than any of us. I hope that will help you in reaching him."

"I hope so as well." Even though Sinbad felt something in him grow heavy and a quiet ache spread through his chest. He had hoped…had hoped that things would just continue to get better. Not all the time, but he still…he had hoped that Judar wouldn't be hurt again.

Hinahoho, who saw the change in his friend's eyes, paused, frowning slightly in worry. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"No, no, it's just…" Sinbad halted, wondering what he should say, what he had been about to say. "I care about him." Or rather, he loved him. Sinbad realized that it hurt more than he thought that he couldn't stop Judar from feeling hurt. He hated that and a sigh escaped him, before he could stop it.

Hinahoho blinked slightly, quiet surprise showing on his face and he studied the king a moment longer. "You don't just like him, do you?"

Sinbad paused, looking at his friend and for a short, split second he contemplated whether he should confirm Hinahoho's discovery or not. Then he released a breath and dragged a hand through his hair. "Yeah." Sighing, Sinbad slumped in his chair. He wouldn't lie to his friend. "I like him. Or rather, I more than just like him."

Hinahoho blew out air. "How is it for you? I mean, having feelings for him, while things aren't that good."

The king knew that the smile on his face was equal parts sad and fond. "I'm more worried about Judar, I can handle it so far."

"You shouldn't disregard yourself." His friend said with a slight frown. "You're just as important." He turned even more serious. "Please promise me that you will also take care of yourself."

Sometimes, during moments like these, was Sinbad reminded that he needed his friends as much as they looked for his guidance and as much as they needed him. A little voice in the back of his head was aware of the fact that without them, an important part of himself would have been lost in all the things that had happened to him over the years.

"I promise." Sinbad tilted his head slightly. "And the same goes for you."

Hinahoho smiled and it looked like he finally started to feel a little better about what had happened today. "I will. And tell me, if you need my help with anything, alright?"

The king nodded. "Of course."

"Good." The giant paused. "Sinbad? I know it's not really my business, but what do you plan to do, with how you feel towards Judar? If you want to tell me."

At this, Sinbad felt his shoulders drop a little bit. "Nothing." He admitted and lifted a hand when his friend looked like he wanted to say something. "Trust me, right now this is the best thing I can do. Judar has enough on his plate without me adding to it."

As soon as he stopped talking, Sinbad felt the quiet ache in his chest changing, turning into something that, for a short second, felt a little bitter. That wasn't what he wanted. This love of his shouldn't be a burden to anyone, least of all Judar. That thought hurt. Sinbad never wanted to trouble the person he really liked, he wanted the opposite. He wanted to be there for him, to hold him through the ups and downs, and to be an anchor through the storms. He wanted to be a reason for the younger man to smile and to look forward to, he wanted to be good for Judar. Thinking that his feelings weren't good, ached.

For a long second, Hinahoho looked contemplative, before he gave a small nod. "Do what feels right for you then." The giant leaned back in his seat a bit. "Looking at things now, Al-Tharmen seems so much more worse than I thought at first."

"They are." Just alone thinking about them, about the possible people who could have inflicted all that hurt on the Magi, caused Sinbad to feel tense and he had to resist the urge to curl his hands into fists. As much as the thought felt like bitter bile on his tongue, he couldn't do anything against those people. At least not now. Besides, the king didn't even know who had done it, only Judar did and Sinbad was sure that the last thing the raven wanted right now was to drag up those parts of his past.

"If you don't mind Hinahoho, or if there aren't other things you want to talk about right now, I want to go and look for Judar." The urge to go to the Magi was like an itch all across Sinbad's neck and he knew that there was no way he could go back to work right now and leave this situation alone.

Hinahoho nodded. "Do that. If you want to, we can meet up later again and you can tell me how things are."

"That's a good idea." Sinbad said as he was already getting up, his friend leaving his seat as well. "How about before dinner? That's in about two hours anyway."

"Fine by me." The giant settled a hand on the king's shoulder for a moment, completely dwarfing Sinbad's frame with that simple move. His eyes were kind as he looked at the smaller man. "Thank you, for being there for Judar. He didn't have an easy start with all of us and I'm glad you're someone he can count on."

Sinbad grasped Hinahoho's arm. "I would do that for any of you."

Smiling, the giant opened the door. "Just like you can count on us anytime." He closed the door behind them and they stopped for a moment, before Sinbad turned to leave.

"Until dinner then?"

"Yeah." They parted ways, both with worried thoughts on their minds.

Sinbad found his steps quickening when he reached the stairs and he hurried to Judar's room, wondering what he could say, where he should start.

When he reached the door, he paused and took a deeper breath, before he knocked. "Judar? It's me, Sinbad. Would you mind if I come in and we talk a bit?"

Silence was the only answer he got and the king frowned a little in worry before he knocked again. Was the Magi even here?

"Judar?" Again, he got no answer. For a second, Sinbad was thrown off guard and his body moved before he could think and he stopped just when his fingertips brushed over the door handle.

No, he couldn't do this. He couldn't just barge right in. This was Judar's room, his safe place and he wouldn't invade it just because the raven wasn't up to opening the door and facing him – if he was here. The Magi had every right to decide who he wanted to see and who come inside.

Still, worry ate at the back of his head and Sinbad felt torn about what to do. He didn't exactly want to leave without at least seeing Judar and at the same time he couldn't just break in. If he wanted Judar to feel safe, at home and respected, he wouldn't invade his privacy.

Dragging a hand through his hair and resisting the urge to curse quietly, Sinbad stepped back a bit. Then he stared at the door long and hard, before he came to a decision and knocked one last time. "Judar? If you're there, I want you to know that you can come to me anytime you want, alright? If you want to talk to me before dinner, I'll be in my office."

Still no answer and the king had to take a deep breath and concentrate on trusting Judar to do what was right for himself, before he was able to leave.

On his way down, he took an extra flight and dropped by Yamuraiha's lab quickly to see if Judar might have gone there – without success. The magician hadn't seen the raven since lunch and Sinbad left after reassuring her that things would be fine.

Back in his office, the king sat down in his chair and realized that he couldn't really work like this, or rather, he didn't want to. He was worried about Judar. He wanted to make things better even though he didn't know how. He wished he could just see the raven and talk to him.

Groaning quietly, Sinbad picked up the quill and forced himself to concentrate on something aside from the Magi. It didn't work all that well and it must have shown on his face when Ja'far came by an hour later. The advisor paused when he entered the room, taking in the sight of his king and friend.

"Sinbad? Is something going on?"

"Yeah, no, well…" Sinbad sighed heavily and waved with the quill in his other hand. "I just can't concentrate. I'm worried about Judar."

Ja'far looked surprised for a second. "Judar? Did something happen?"

"He heard something I think he shouldn't really have heard." Sighing again, the king felt exhaustion setting in, now that he could let go of a bit of his nervous energy by talking. "I would like to go and talk to him, but if he's in his room he's not opening the door. Have you seen him this afternoon?"

"Not after our talk." Suddenly, the former assassin looked slightly apprehensive. "It has nothing to do with me, though?"

"No, no, it doesn't, don't worry."

Nodding, Ja'far walked towards the pile of work Sinbad had managed to do during the day. "That's good. I wouldn't have liked our start over to be like this." Pausing, the advisor looked at his friend, hesitating for a moment. "Could I be of help?"

"I fear none of us can help right now, but I'll tell you if I need your help." Placing the quill down, Sinbad stared at his paperwork for a moment and Ja'far shook his head.

"Please don't neglect your work, Sinbad, it's important."

"I know." Groaning quietly, the king slumped down in his chair. "I'll try to get done as much as possible today."

Smiling faintly, Ja'far picked up the signed papers. "I know. And Sinbad? I'm sure things will work out with Judar. Give him a bit of space, maybe he just needs to work through some things on his own before he wants to be confronted with others again."

"I hope so. I just wished I could…do something." Sinbad hated that he was stuck waiting without doing something aside from brooding over dry paperwork.

Ja'far was quiet for a moment, examining his friend. "What is the worst case scenario that's running through your head?"

Sin paused and his face became more serious as he held eye contact with Ja'far. "I fear to lose his trust. I worry he won't tell me anything or that he … might hurt himself. It doesn't have to be physically, I also mean his emotional side."

"Words can cut deeper than a lot of other things." Ja'far said softly. "Do you believe he would really do something?"

Sinbad hesitated, thinking hard about it and then he trusted his gut feeling. "No." He answered slowly. "I worry about it, but I also don't really have the feeling that he will. But I think a part of him is already hurting."

His advisor nodded slightly. "Would you mind telling me what had happened?"

For a moment, the king looked at his paperwork. "He overheard Hinahoho and Spartos talking about how Rurumu died."

Understanding dawned on Ja'far's face before he looked thoughtful, a faint frown appearing between his eyebrows. "That sounds like an unfortunate situation. Still, give him time. I personally think he would trust you enough to go to you should there be an issue. Let him sort things through in his head first. Or he wants to resolve it with Hinahoho." Placing a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder, Ja'far gave him a calming look. "And I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks. I appreciate it." And Sinbad meant it. He smiled slightly at his advisor.

"Good." Retracting his hand, Ja'far tilted his head towards the pile of papers. "Let's get sorted through this, shall we?"

With a groan and a faint half-smile, Sinbad picked up his quill again, pushing his worries as far back as possible.

* * *

Sinbad was still worried. It was a feeling that hadn't stopped being there ever since Hinahoho had paid him a visit in his office to talk about Judar. And the Magi was the very source of his worries right now as well.

Almost three days had passed ever since Judar had overheard the conversation between Hinahoho and Spartos – and by now, all the generals were informed of the situation. He hadn't showed up to any meals since then and the only reason why Sinbad wasn't currently breaking into the Magi's room to see if he still was alive, was Yamuraiha.

The magician was the only one who had seen Judar. He had been in her lab just yesterday and he had asked her to not ask him anything, to just let him be there. She had told Sinbad, that they had experimented on something and that Judar seemed healthy enough. A bit more pale than usual and a lot more quiet and tense, but not thinner or restless in a worrying way.

So Sinbad had nodded and had asked her to keep an eye on Judar. Still, within these three days, Sinbad had felt his heart breaking a bit more, little by little. He hurt, worrying about his Magi and he hurt because he couldn't do anything. The last time he had felt that helpless was when his father had been taken away by soldiers and when he had watched his mother slowly dying, surviving only because of the medicine he had brought her.

It was a limb-numbing, thought eating sort of helplessness that made him feel like he couldn't do anything even if he reached out.

Hinahoho was just as worried as Sinbad and they both found themselves sitting together during long evenings, sharing talks and their worries. Ja'far was a help, reassuring them and reminding them to leave the matter be for now, as long as it didn't get worse.

Masrur had placed a warm hand heavily on Sinbad's shoulder, looking at him and telling him with that one glance that he would stand by his king and that he could be counted on.

So Sinbad did the things he could do. He asked the others to keep an eye out for Judar and he asked the kitchen staff to leave some food out during the night – which was always gone in the morning.

The king buried himself in paperwork, in order to not think too much. He led a few conversations with his advisors in Kou, through a magic device and he worked on a few more trading contracts.

Still, in the silence of the night, when he was lying in his bed, he needed a long time to fall asleep. His gaze was stuck on the ceiling and his thoughts were going to his Magi, who was just two doors down. It was a short walk to that door, to knock or to open it.

Sinbad never left his bed, never got up and did that. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and told himself to have faith. To trust that Judar would find and get what he needed. That he would be okay again.

He ignored the cold feeling of loneliness, which spread through his chest, like a thin spider's web. He tried not to feel like Judar was locking him out and that the younger one didn't trust him.

And Sinbad tried to shut down his worries as much as possible. He tried not to think about if Judar was eating enough, if he could sleep well or if the Magi might be hurting in some way.

So Sinbad just breathed, laying still in his bed and waiting for sleep to come, so that a new day would hopefully change what was going on.

* * *

Judar had a high suspicion that he worried people – no, actually, he knew that. Which was exactly why he had skipped going to Yamuraiha's lab today. She had been surprisingly comfortable to be around for him. He had actually only gone to her lab because he couldn't stand being alone with himself and his thoughts the whole day – and there was also only so much time he could spend on the carpet, out in the sky, like he had secretly done after his talk to Hinahoho.

Ever since he had returned from his conversation with Hinahoho, something in him had started to tilt, tipping dangerously. The feeling of hope, of something changing in him from that day was soon dropping to self loathing and an echo of something harsh spreading through his chest.

He also still remembered the harsh, burning shame he had to fight down when he went to Yamuraiha and her eyes had met his.

Yamuraiha had taken one look at him and at his words to not ask anything, she had simply nodded and showed him her current experiment. After a while, Judar could relax a bit into something more comfortable with her and he felt better about being around.

Still, his hatred and shame for himself didn't leave. It wasn't always fully present; it was more like a whisper down his back and a creeping prickle through his skin. Never gone, but also not completely eating him up. At least not all the time.

Because it flared every time he walked through the secret passages Kanaha had shown him. It flared whenever he thought of Sinbad or Hinahoho or the kid and it crept along the edges of his thoughts whenever he thought about the other generals.

Judar wondered how he could be forgiven for what he had done and he suddenly wasn't surprised anymore why Ja'far had been so hostile. He wasn't even sure if he could trust himself anymore. So many bad decisions were littering his life like broken glass and now he found he stepped on it every time he tried to walk forward.

He didn't know what to do. And just thinking about facing Sinbad or one of the other generals made the shame flare inside of him again, which caused him to pale while oppressing heat climbed up his back, nestling in his chest and throat. Those were the times when he closed his eyes, sitting in his room and just reminded himself to breathe, to concentrate on the chirp of the Rukh, who were always staying close to him now.

Those were also the times when he snuck out as often as possible to steal a carpet and to get a way for a little bit. Though he never stayed outside for too long, since he didn't want to be discovered by anyone, least of all Sinbad or one of the generals.

The worst however, were his nights. When he dared to sleep, he found his nightmares had changed. Instead of flickering, grabbing shadows and the stench of incense and the disgusting, sleek slide of silk under his skin, he saw fire. Fire surrounded him and the ground shook from collapsing buildings as his ears rang with dark, gleeful laugher.

In his dreams, Judar would turn and run, his feet getting burned by the flames trying to draw him in and he felt thin, sharp fingers trying to snatch him. He heard the crying of children and angry yells echoing around him and the sting of sweat on his burned skin.

He would wake with the desperate gasps of a drowning man, fingers clutching the blanket and small shivers running through his body as he tried to shake the resounding feeling of burning flames.

This night, he knew, would be no exception. And Judar was tired. He slept less than usual and he found he had no strength left.

No strength for fighting, for keeping up with his nightmares and no strength for forcing everything inside of him under the rug and behind a wall.

The truth was, he felt torn apart inside and everything welled through the cracks forming inside of him. His feelings, his memories, everything he pushed away and had tried to ignore or forget came back. All those things were catching up to him, coming like water through a broken pipe, slowly but steadily.

He didn't dare to touch the cracks inside of him, didn't dare to think or try to fix anything for fear of making it worse. He, frankly, had absolutely no idea what to do.

Judar had listened to the Rukh for hours, tried to find answers in their whispers and chirps. He had tried working with magic until he was too exhausted to even move properly. He had tried everything he knew and nothing worked.

Now he was sitting on his bed, staring out of the window up to the dark sky of the night. He looked at the stars without really seeing them, exhaustion pulling at his thoughts and body.

He was so tired. He didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't want to claw and dig and work his ass off so that, for once, good things happened to him. He didn't want to go through sleepless nights because his nightmares were shaking him to the core.

He wanted…wanted…he wanted it to stop. Everything. The pain, the fear, his memories, his hurt and shame and self-hatred.

Judar had contemplated going to Sinbad or Hinahoho, but he found he couldn't. Not yet. He couldn't meet them, couldn't even imagine standing in front of them or looking at them. What would he see in their eyes? Had things changed now that he knew of what had happened to Hinahoho's wife?

There was no way he could ever be a good person.

Closing his eyes, the Magi leaned back against his pillows, exhaustion pulling him down. His limbs felt heavy and his breaths came slowly and deeply. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to stop thinking for a moment and to just sleep without nightmares.

Slowly, Judar felt himself falling asleep, not even fighting it. He needed rest.

Darkness greeted him and then nothing. Blissfully nothing.

Until a quiet whisper started, reminding him of his powers. The voice spoke '_fire_' into his ear, sounding rough and happy and the flames started around him, spreading heat. Then there were buildings, glass shattering and a roar filled the air as the fire ate away at everything it could grasp.

Judar was standing on the street, the stones beneath his feet too hot, singeing his skin.

A scream suddenly echoed around him, causing him to startle. His formerly unmoving body jolted into motion and he ran, feeling something dark and swallowing looming just behind him. He didn't dare to turn around, felt chased and incited at the same time.

The heat grew around him, making his skin feel as though it was melting off and another scream rang around him, high and filled with so much pain it vibrated through him.

Dark voices rose behind him, urging him forward, pushing something cold and hard into his hand. A glance down told him he had his wand, the red crystal glowing ominously. Sharp, harsh chirping accompanied him, dark Rukh clawing across his clothes, slipping under his skin and singing in his veins, clouding his vision at the edges.

A figure suddenly appeared before him, looming high and stretching out a hand, distorted whispers leaving the shadow's lips.

Judar jerked back, lifting his wand, painful heat nipping at his heals, causing him to lash out and the shadow stumbled, falling to the ground. Flames rose from the side, reaching for Judar, who started to run again, only to halt when he heard a familiar yell behind him.

"No!" Turning around, Judar saw Sinbad falling out of the flames, clothes and hair singed and his sword in his hand. The king ran towards the fallen shadow, throwing his sword aside.

Judar watched as the steel got eaten by the flames and felt the darkness behind him catching up, reaching for him, raking claws across his back. He jumped to the side, lifting his wand to defend himself, only to watch the light in the crystal faded away.

The rough voice surrounded him, whispering in his ear, ordering him to use magic, ordering him to cause chaos.

Buildings broke as he obeyed, the earth shaking and the flames roared in glee.

The cry of a child caught his attention and Judar turned around, feeling the darkness settle against his back, long, pitch-black, clawed fingers slowly closing around his shoulders, holding on.

He saw the form of a child kneeling on the ground, pressing its hands against its face and crying miserably. It was a sound that broke hearts and spoke of grief and pain too deep for words.

Walking towards him cautiously, Judar saw a glimmer of blue hair and started to run when the smoke lifted more for a moment and he recognized the kid. It was Kanaha and why, why was he out here alone? Where was Hinahoho?

Faintly, Judar could hear Sinbad's voice behind him as he reached the kid.

"Kanaha? Where's your father?" Stretching his hand out, Judar touched the boy, only to flinch back when the kid screamed. "What –?" Blood dripped down, dark and glistening in the light of the flames.

Recoiling, Judar stared at Kanaha and then down at his hand, only to freeze. Blood was coating his palm and fingers, clinging hot and bright red to his already pale skin.

Panicked, he tried to wipe it off, against his pants, but no matter how much he did it, how hard he tried to clean his hands, the blood just _wouldn't come off_. It stuck to him, hot and wet and seemed to eat straight into his skin.

Suddenly, Judar realized that the heat had stopped and that silence was lying around him, pressing down on his shoulders. Slowly, he looked up, fear and panic eating at his heart. Around him the flames had diminished, only staying as a wandering glimmer in the dark. The sky was black with smoke and around him, unmoving, were people lying on the ground.

People he knew. Kouen and his siblings, Hakuryuu and Hakuei, Aladdin off to the side with his friends. He made a step back and felt something break under his foot. He turned to look, only to see Sinbad's broken sword under his heel. He raised his gaze to find the king's dead eyes staring back at him. He was laying in a pool of blood, his generals around him, butchered and half eaten by the flames.

The claws around his shoulders tightened and a dark voice laughed against his ear. '_Good job._'

And Judar felt the blood on his hands flowing down, scalding his skin and eating into his bones as he stumbled and fell, straight into the darkness behind him.

He awoke suddenly, cold sweat clinging to his neck and desperate, small sounds leaving his tight throat. Gasping for air, Judar threw the blanket aside, his hand fumbling for his wand on instinct. Stumbling out of the bed, he felt shivers running through his body and a foul, bitter taste spread through his mouth.

For a moment he felt like throwing up and suffocating at the same time.

His hands still seemed to burn with spilled blood and the bitter phantom smell of burned skin and wood resided in his nose. The coldness of the floor was a shocking contrast to the heat he remembered from his nightmare.

The panicked energy that was still in him from his dream caused Judar to move, leaving his room without thinking, going, searching, seeking for something, anything that could give him the feeling that the world was still as he remembered it. That he hadn't destroyed and killed. Something to yank his mind completely out of the clinging, horrifying images from his sleep.

He found himself standing in front of Sinbad's door, still trembling slightly, a bit out of breath and with wide eyes and a racing heart. Judar froze once he realized where he was and his mind cleared enough to tell him he should leave, it was late at night and he shouldn't be here, shouldn't be so weak…and he still couldn't move.

Gripping his wand tighter, Judar found the inner urge to go to Sinbad overwhelming and the urge fought with the voice in his head until his feelings won out. He couldn't be alone. Not right now. Not like this. He wanted to be safe. And he needed to know that he hadn't fucked everything up. He needed to…he wanted to see Sinbad.

The shame was again starting to climb up his back, but he was too shaken and too afraid from his dream to go back, to allow the shame to make him small again. At least not right now.

Judar forced his tense and frozen body to move and to knock. Just one knock. When the king didn't react or wake up, he would leave.

In the following silence, the Magi found his quick heartbeat too loud in his ears and he swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to push down the last shivers and ignoring the cracks spreading through him.

A second later, he heard the sound of bare feet and then the door opened. Sinbad looked confused and slightly ruffled, his bangs sticking up slightly at one side and his robe was clearly messily tied in front of him.

As soon as he saw Judar however, the king's golden eyes were instantly awake and he straightened. Judar also caught the brief flash of relief and worry on Sinbad's face.

"Judar, is everything okay?" It was only in this moment that the Magi realized that he had made a mistake by coming here. Everything inside of him welled up. The cracks got wider and his feelings rose, threatening to overwhelm him. His chest ached and he found his tight throat made it difficult to breathe properly.

So Judar shook his head to say, no, he wasn't alright, his hand still unbearably tight around his wand and he couldn't get the tenseness out of his body. "Sorry." He forced out. "I shouldn't have…"

"Judar." Sinbad's voice was quiet and patient, but also surprisingly firm. "I won't force you to, but please talk to me." Then his voice softened. "I can see that you aren't well."

Judar found he suddenly had to swallow against a sound getting out of his chest. Something half-broken and hurt and small. At the same time, he felt his shoulders curving in and he felt the ache in his chest growing, the cracks splintering apart further.

"Please." Sinbad moved his hand slowly, giving Judar enough time to pull away, before the king touched his shoulder lightly and gently. His golden eyes were painfully honest and open. "Trust me."

Something in him broke. Judar could feel it clearly, could almost hear it, as the cracks connected with each other and it was like a wall came down.

His breath hitched and he felt his knees shake. He tried to breathe, only to find a sob coming out of his mouth.

Sinbad reacted then, gently leading Judar inside his room and closing the door.

"Sorry, I …" Trying to breathe past the constricting in his chest, Judar grabbed Sinbad's sleeve without really realizing it, holding on, trying to ground himself. Trying to fight down another sob.

"It's alright, Judar. No matter what, it's okay." Sinbad's words were cutting the last string that Judar had tried to hold on to.

His knees buckled as a cry forced itself out of his chest, another one following and the Magi felt himself breaking down, pain and sorrow flooding out of the broken wall, sweeping him away, too strong, too old and too deep for words, for anything but tears and cries.

The tears felt hot and foreign on his cheeks and he felt the sobs wracking his frame, as he tried to keep breathing past the constant hitching that cut his breaths short.

Sinbad was there before he realized it, kneeling beside him and holding him. Judar found his head on the king's shoulder, burying his face in the white robe.

"I got you. Don't worry, I have you." Sinbad's quiet murmur reached his ears and the Magi felt the last thing falling away, something he hadn't even known was still standing and his shoulders slumped, the weight of his whole body falling against Sinbad as he cried, feeling lost and painfully hurt and so very small.

It seemed like everything came rushing forward at once. All those years of loneliness and pain, betrayal and fear. All the nights he didn't dare to sleep, the constant flinching when he heard steps behind him. Having to sit beside the disgusting pig during official dinner parties, feeling his meaty hand slipping up and down his leg, squeezing.

All the shame and hate and pain and despair and sorrow seemed to swallow him, pulling him under and left him fighting for breath.

Sinbad never let go, not even when Judar's fingers gripped his arm too tight or when the Magi struggled to breathe.

And for the first time in a long while, possibly since almost forever, Judar actually felt that safe while his feelings seemed to rip him apart, destroying everything he had build to lock them away and to keep them down or to make them weak.

The wall had fallen and there was no going back anymore. All that was left were tears and emotions too strong for words, completely pulling him under.

When the flood inside of him slowly calmed back down after what felt like an eternity, enough for Judar to come back to himself, he found that his eyes hurt from crying, his breaths were still hitching and his chest was stuffed with too many feelings at once.

Everything was completely in disarray, but the Magi felt too exhausted to even think about what that meant.

Instead he closed his eyes, felt how he leaned against Sinbad's side and how the king had one arm gently around him while Judar held on to his other one. The hand that still gripped his wand was pressed to the floor, shaking slightly as numb fingers tried to hold on to the wand.

It was quiet between them as the Magi calmed down further and the hitching evened out to more normal breaths again. Judar opened his eyes and stared down at his own hand holding on to the king, he thought about pulling away, before he stayed where he was. This was okay right now. It was even something he…he needed.

A part of him feared to fall back apart and another part of him found Sinbad's presence and touch reassuring, calming while he felt like the ground had crumbled beneath his feet to leave him falling.

The silence stretched a bit longer and Judar felt exhaustion settling in further and further. He had absolutely no strength left anymore. For anything.

It was the Magi, who then finally spoke up first. "I dreamed that I killed you all." His voice was quiet and rough from crying; however, he couldn't keep the words in. They needed to get out; he needed to talk about this. "I dreamed of…fire, everywhere. I think I lit it and then you all were…there was so much blood…"

Sinbad shifted slightly, but didn't move otherwise and Judar continued talking. "I can't…forget what I did." He closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry. And I don't know what to do." His voice turned into a whisper. "I'm sorry."

Sinbad took a deep breath, calming himself down. He wanted nothing more than to pull Judar into a tight embrace and to make him understand that he didn't have to do anything. That Hinahoho didn't blame him. And at the same time, he did his best to keep his heart from breaking over Judar and his words.

Before he could say anything however, the Magi spoke again. "I…I'm sorry I hurt you. In the past." Judar sounded small, like he worried something bad would happen for his words. And like he…like he regretted his actions from the bottom of his heart. "I shouldn't have…I didn't know and I envied you and your freedom…I'm sorry."

It were moments like these, that Sinbad wished he knew what the right things to say was, as he usually did. Not knowing what he could say, the king settled for what he thought. "I forgive you, Judar. I have forgiven you long ago." Hell, he had fallen in love with the raven after all. "I think what's left for you, is to forgive yourself."

Judar was quiet for a long while, still leaning against Sinbad and the king felt his warmth seeping through his clothes. He hoped the Magi could at least draw some sort of comfort from him.

"How? How do I forgive myself?"

Sinbad wished he could answer that. He himself has only recently forgiven himself for that day when Rurumu had died – but he would never, ever forget. He still thought that he should have been more careful, should have known better and shouldn't have been so reckless. That day was a grim reminder for him, for what it meant to mess up. What it meant when he took everything for granted and acted recklessly without thinking of the price it could take from others and himself. A lesson he had learned very, very well.

"What do you think you can do, for yourself, so forgiveness is possible?" Sinbad asked back, hoping to find the right words.

Judar seemed to grow smaller suddenly and his voice sounded rougher. "I'll talk to Hinahoho. …and then I…"

A sudden thought crossed the king's mind. "Do you even want to forgive yourself?"

The Magi was quiet before he took a deep breath. "I don't want to make the same mistakes again."

A feeling Sinbad knew painfully well. However, for this he at least would have an answer.

"Forgiving doesn't mean you forget." He moved slightly back to try and capture Judar's gaze. When the raven didn't move, Sinbad felt his expression softening, sadness stealing deeper into his heart. "Do you want to know what forgiving myself means for me?" At this, the Magi glanced up.

Their eyes met and for a second the king tried not to get lost in all those feelings he could see in Judar's gaze. It was like the younger one was completely open and not even the smallest or thinnest of walls were between them. It was, in a sense equally intimidating and astounding.

Carefully and slowly, the king reached up and moved his thumb gently over pale skin, wiping tears away. He was relieved to see Judar relax slightly at the touch, sagging a bit.

"I learn from my mistakes. I forgive, but I don't forget what happened and what I felt. I remember it to make sure I don't repeat it again. And if I fear to do something like that again, I turn to my friends. When I feel like I might do something stupid, I trust them to be my emotional compass and to help lead me back to where I want to go. Maybe that can help you as well. People you trust to tell you if you do something stupid."

Judar looked away again, clearly thinking before he slowly looked at Sinbad again. "Would you do that? Tell me when I step over the line?" He seemed to struggle for words. "I…I just don't want to get told what to do."

The king could understand that. Al-Tharmen had controlled him for far too long after all. "I promise you, Judar, I will tell you when you do something I think you will regret. And I promise you as well, that you can tell me anytime when you aren't happy about something I do. Speak freely whenever you want to." The Magi contemplated his words for a long time, before his gaze seemed more focused than before.

"I…yeah, okay." Judar allowed his head to fall back against Sinbad's shoulder, wondering where the ground beneath his feet suddenly came from. It was unsteady, but he finally had something he could do. Something he could use as a line while he figured out just what to do with himself. He didn't know where to go yet or what to do about all the feelings still filling his chest like never before. But now, he at least didn't have the feeling that he was alone and lost in all this.

He still didn't know if he could forgive himself either. He just … he would talk to Hinahoho and take things from there. One step at a time. Maybe that was also the way to find his footing again.

Inhaling, his next words came out with a soft exhale. "Thank you."

Slowly and lightly, Sinbad allowed his head to rest against Judar's for a moment. "Always."


	16. Guilt

**I very, very much apologize for the long wait! But, I'm still here and I don't plan on dropping the story in the near future. I hope I can get the next chapter to you guys sooner this time.**

**And I thank you all a lot, your feedback means a lot to me and brought me out of my writing flunk more than once, so I'm eternally greatful to you! And to my beta-reader, who just keeps being amazing and my safety blanket so I don't mess anything up, thank you too, Frozen Peaches!**

**So, without further ado: The new chapter!**

**Warnings: Possible OoC-ness, mentions of past abuse, yaoi in later chapters.**

* * *

Judar wasn't sure how long he sat on the ground with Sinbad, leaning against the king and trying to breathe through everything that rose inside of him. A few times it felt like his emotions and part of his memories threatened to overwhelm him, coming back to the surface and he closed his eyes, focusing on holding on, trying to feel the ground beneath his body, no matter how much it felt like it crumbled.

"Breathe, just breathe", Sinbad whispered once he noticed the Magi tensing and struggling to stay in the present. "You can get through this."

At some point though, Judar felt everything in him ease a bit more, turning into something more still and exhaustion caused his shoulders to drop, his weight sagging against the king even more.

Sinbad shifted slightly. "Do you want to sleep here tonight? I can take the couch, it's pretty comfortable."

Judar paused, thinking about it before he shook his head, slowly moving back and away from the king. "No, but thank you." He glanced up involuntarily and met Sinbad's eyes. "Thanks." His voice was quiet, but in the silence of the night it still seemed loud enough.

Sinbad nodded, not saying anything, but Judar preferred it that way. Moving his legs, he realized for the first time how stiff they felt from sitting on the floor and that half his butt had fallen asleep since it felt numb when he managed to stand up.

Sinbad's hand brushed his shoulder when they slowly moved to the door and he opened it for the Magi. Then the king paused. "Will I see you later?"

Judar looked at him, still feeling all sorts of uprooted and like the chaos in him had settled enough for him to see through the smoke and dust. His cheeks felt hot from the tears and his throat was slightly sore, his limbs heavy.

"Yeah." And somehow, between feeling like he had no idea what was inside anymore and what he was possibly supposed to think, Judar managed a smile. It probably was the most real smile he ever remembered, even if it wavered and felt cracked around the edges from all the other emotions inside him. It still felt right to try and give it to Sinbad.

The king smiled back, small and gentle and more understanding than the Magi had expected. "Until later then."

Judar nodded, stepping out into the hallway. He felt the cold tiles under his feet more than before and when he heard the gentle shut of a door behind him, he absentmindedly moved to massage his numb butt.

Slowly, Judar walked back to his room, quietly opening his door and closing it behind him before he stopped and stared. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep now. His thoughts might evade him now and he felt exhausted in an emotionally drained way, but something about his head, his mind, was too awake.

And below the surface of slight, heavy, numbness and barely calmed emotions, he knew his nerves were starting to wake up again.

He was, if he was honest with himself, nervous to meet with Hinahoho. A small part of himself even felt terrified.

Shuffling to his bed, his sat down, leaned against the headboard and closed his eyes, feeling himself sag. Still, his mind stayed active, keeping sleep just at the edge of his senses.

At some point, Judar opened his eyes, watching the sky outside change slowly, the light of the early morning hours gently and slowly bringing the darkness to a pale lightness. His black Rukh flitted around, barely landing on anything, displaying his growing nerves by restlessly flying through the room, hovering around him. They chirped, though Judar had to admit that he barely could hear it. He also very adamantly refused to think about what he planned.

However, he avoid it any longer. Because no matter what he tried to of, none of the half-formed thoughts in his head were enough. What was he supposed to say to Hinahoho after all? Saying 'Sorry' didn't cut it, wasn't enough. And yet it was all he had to give.

Finally, the light of the morning had progressed enough that Judar knew he had to get up. His limbs protested when he stood up and he had to breathe deeply a few times, before he managed to get to the door. The door handle felt almost warm under his icy-cold fingers.

Judar was glad when he met no one outside in the corridors and yet, at the same time, he prayed for someone to cross his path, any reason was enough to avoid going to Hinahoho. He wanted to run away and would have if he didn't already know that it would do no good. Still, he almost left once he stood in front of the – admittedly – huge door to Hinahoho's quarters.

Judar's eyes felt slightly itchy from being tired, his body restless in a high-strung, uncomfortably tense way. And yet he felt wide awake, unable to stand still. When he lifted his hand to knock, he saw his fingers trembling, no matter how tightly he curled them into a fist.

He really, really wasn't brave, he realized. He had known before, but now…now he felt so utterly small and afraid and frail. And it felt like a small shove, a stronger tap against his shoulder would be enough to shatter him to the ground.

He couldn't do this. But he had to. God, his throat was too tight he couldn't breathe.

With his heart beating in his throat, thrumming loudly in his ears and pulsing under his skin in a too fast rhythm, Judar forced his lungs to take a deep, shaky breath, as he let his hand fall against the door.

And it was, honestly, a poor excuse for a knock, sounded more like a tap against the wood and Judar would take it like that, leave and pretend that he had tried, when the door actually swung open.

Kanaha was looking surprised for a split second, before he smiled, so wide it was almost a grin and stepped forward. "Judar, nice to see you! Are you here for my dad? Or do you want to come with me? I just wanted to go and sneak into the washing room." He smirked, slightly holding up a flacon. "I'll get revenge on my brother for a prank in a way he would never expect. So?" Changing to his happy-kid-face again, Kanaha looked at the Magi, holding the door open with one hand.

Judar, meanwhile, tried to remember how to breathe without it sounding like wheezing or like someone just broke his ribs. Swallowing past his dry mouth, he slightly shook his head.

"No, I'm…I want to talk to your dad." Oh hell, his voice sounded dry and cracked, like he had breathed in a handful of something raw.

Kanaha paused, an expression quickly and shortly flitting over his face, though it was gone before Judar could decipher it. Then the kid stepped aside, opening the door wider while he leaned back. "Dad!" He yelled over his shoulder. "Judar wants to talk to you!" Then he turned to the Magi again, smiling. "Come on in."

Judar barely felt the cold floor under his feet as he moved inside and Kanaha quickly slipped out, pushing the flacon back into the pocket of his pants.

The door closed behind him in the same moment, Hinahoho stepped into the room. This wasn't the worst idea Judar ever had and attempted to carry out, but it was one of the most frightening ones so far.

"Judar." Hinahoho seemed…careful, his body relaxed but something in his face, a pinched look around his eyes, seemed to ease. "Please, take a seat." Thankfully, the giant didn't try and pretend that he didn't know why Judar was here. Or why he had hidden from everyone ever since the clusterfuck of eavesdropping in the hallway.

"I'm sorry." Somehow, of all the somewhat-scenarios Judar had played through his head, of all the maybe-possible words he could say to begin the conversation, he had hoped it wouldn't be this. Still, it didn't surprise him. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about apologizing the whole time after all.

Hinahoho nodded, sitting down on one of the huge sitting-pillows beside the couch he had offered to Judar. "I know."

Slowly shuffling forward, Judar sat down at the edge of the couch, body tense as if he was ready to bolt, though he probably knew that he wouldn't. Whatever would come his way, he deserved it, even if he couldn't quite bring himself to look Hinahoho in the eyes. Still, He didn't think he was strong enough for this. He definitely wasn't brave enough, that much he knew.

For a moment, silence was hanging in the air and Judar tried to feel the fabric of the couch beneath his fingers, only to realize that they were numb, cold and felt like they might be trembling.

"I'm sorry…for what happened." He found himself saying, voice quiet, feeling how his shoulders had drawn up and he had tried to make himself smaller before he could stop his instinctive movements.

Hinahoho shifted besides him to completely face him, resting his elbows on his knees. "I know." Hinahoho said again, quietly. Inside however, the giant was aching for Judar. For the hurt he was displaying silently and still so clearly. The Magi looked up for a moment, ruby red eyes meeting his, before he looked away again, body still tense at the edge of the couch.

More than ever before, did Hinahoho realize how difficult it was to heal someone, how not every time a simple hug and a few, heartfelt words could reach the other person. And he wished he had all the right answers, wished someone had told them, wished there was no _need_ for right answers. He wished Judar never had to experience any hurt or pain in his life.

Leaning forward slightly, Hinahoho cleared his throat, trying to sort his thoughts into something he could actually say right now. "I'd like to make abundantly clear, that I do not blame you, for something Al-Tharmen did. Or made you do. I know too much of the truth for that."

Judar looked up sharply, a startled look in his eyes and suddenly he seemed even more skittish and edgy than before, truly ready to get up and leave before Hinahoho could even draw another breath.

Hinahoho held the Magi's gaze. "I know no specifics. I doubt anyone but Sinbad does. But I recognize someone who had been hurt." He continued to speak in a low, clear voice. "And I know that you would change the past if you could. Wouldn't you?"

Judar was deathly-still for a moment longer, before he slowly sunk back into his former, tense position and nodded slightly.

"That's all I need to really know." Hinahoho said gently, still holding Judar's gaze. "You're not the only one with red in his ledger in our family here. And I'm not saying that it makes anything about what you feel less important. But I'm trying to say, that if you seek redemption, maybe here can be a good place to start."

Red in his ledger…he was probably talking about Ja'far. He was the first that came to Judar's mind when he thought about it, especially since he knew just who the advisor had been in the past.

And Hinahoho really wished that Judar didn't have to do it, as the Magi looked away. That he could shake the past off like snow or dust and continue with his life, to leave behind what surely were sharp shards, instead of keeping them in his hands and continuing to cut himself on the edges.

However, the giant also knew when to pick his battles. He knew that the remorse, the guilt he could see in Judar's eyes, that it reached too deep to be dispersed now and by mere words. And none of them could free the Magi from it. As long as Judar chose to hold on to the shards of his past, the shattered parts of what would have been a nightmare-free, safe and sound and whole past, none of them could ever lighten the burden on him.

It was all on the Magi. It was heart breaking and it made something in Hinahoho grow heavy and dark, filled a part of him with helpless despair because he couldn't help, had no answers.

Judar had just recently been truly freed, had started to realize and care enough to feel regret and hate for his past actions. He had just started a long and almost impossibly difficult road.

And, Hinahoho thought, that alone needed an almost impossible amount of courage, no matter how much of it must feel like drowning desperation right now.

Something in Judar's posture changed slightly, his shoulders weren't drawn up quite so high and he took a deep breath. "I don't know if…I talked to Sinbad and…I don't know if I can forgive myself, maybe … over time." He seemed tenser again, unsure. "Even if you do." It honestly sounded more like a question than a statement.

"I do. Judar, I want you to know something about my family and I." The Magi glanced at him. "When my wife died, it was painful. I was more determined than ever to support Sinbad in destroying Al-Tharmen and stopping them from hurting other people like I was hurt. I suddenly was left alone with this huge batch of wonderful, grieving children, some of them who didn't understand what it meant that their mother wouldn't return. To this day I'm grateful for my friends, that they stayed with us and helped us through this. There are days when I miss Rurumu like a limb, days when I smile because something reminded me about something I loved about her." Swallowing, the giant recalled her smile for a moment. He still loved that smile, and that would never change. Now though, it wasn't tinged with sadness and bitterness anymore. He didn't cling to it like it was the only thing that allowed him to keep going, to keep moving in this world that had taken her so swiftly and remorselessly.

Looking back at the Magi, he continued. "My children still love their mother, miss her on some days. And I'm sure sometimes they just want to rip their hairs out with how frustrating I can be and I'm sure I made more mistakes than I ever thought I would when raising them, but we're here. We survived and we healed and we stuck together. Today, we can laugh and talk about Rurumu freely. My children can think about me marrying another woman. It wasn't right that she had died, but she's no shadow weighting us down. So no, I don't blame you. I don't hate you. If anything, I'm glad you're here. And I hope you can see all that too one day."

Something in Judar changed at these words. Another part finally grew still and peaceful. And yet another thing in him edged askew, didn't fit the picture of his life anymore. Judar found that no matter how much he tried to adjust, these people kept knocking things over, kept showing him new cracks in everything.

His hands trembled and suddenly he had to fight with his tears again, his throat dry and tight. Curling his hands into cold fists, he tried to speak. "I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Say something when you know what you want to say." Hinahoho opened his hand in a gesture of act-freely-it's-your-decision. "I'll always be willing to listen."

At this, Judar felt like chocking up. A brittle laugh escaped him, rough around the edges and he stared at a point beside Hinahoho, feeling bitterness twist the corner of his mouth. "And what if it's really ugly?"

"I'll still listen. And respect you just as much afterwards." Hinahoho sounded so sure of that. Like it was something that was true and not just a pretty, consoling and yet empty sentence.

Judar almost wanted to say he didn't believe him. He almost wanted to throw some ugly truths in his face, just to be proven right in his thinking that there was nothing lovable about him. Nothing to be respected and nothing worthwhile, once the truth was out. It was like a thorn in his side, paper-thin but deep and sharp, making breathing deeply painful.

But the truth was…maybe Hinahoho meant it. And that small voice inside his chest, that tiny whisper just refused to get smothered, urging him to believe, to try and trust that statement. Just a little. It was more than he dared to do and yet it seemed it was the only thing he could do.

Pressing his fists into his sides, he looked to the side, voice trembling slightly. "I was never asked", made it past his lips. "I never had an option or was supposed to have my own opinion."

Hinahoho leaned forward slightly. "What would your opinion be then, Judar?"

The Magi gave a short, sarcastic laugh, more a hateful sound than anything else. "I'd tell them to go fuck themselves." He ground out. "That they could find someone else to break." He words left him before he could stop it. It was scary and oddly grounding all at once. Looking up in an unexpected wave of strength, he looked Hinahoho in the eye, knowing that more hurt shone in his eyes than he wanted to acknowledge. "I _hate_ Al-Tharmen."

Hinahoho's eyes were understanding, just a shade darker than before and held endless acceptance. He nodded. "I know. You have every right to feel this way."

Something in Judar broke open, still raw from everything and his eyes still itched with exhaustion, his mind still felt like it was pulled in too many directions and his chest felt cracked by emotions. "I never wanted to do so many of the things I had to do." Some part of him realized that he had started to almost snarl, showing his teeth in a barely controlled show of anger. "They fucked me over and fucking controlled my head and my life and then just left me behind. I was sold off like a worthless piece and I never had any say." The anger in him rose and he blinked, trying to keep his vision from blurring. "And…and I'm so fucking angry about that, about everything, that I don't know what to _do_."

Hinahoho didn't move back when he met Judar's angry gaze, saw the hurt that accompanied the fury. If anything, he encouraged that show of anger. Because it was there. Judar had been robbed of more things than any person ever should be and he had a lifetime of anger and hurt simmering just below everything. It wouldn't just disappear. Not without an outlet. Not without healing the wounds and taking care of the scars.

"Fight." Hinahoho found himself saying. "Don't let them continue to control you. Beat them by shaking them off." Something in him hardened, a sort of steel surfaced, the same steel that had kept him going through the things life had thrown to him. "Free yourself."

Judar felt like it was the first time someone didn't treat him gently and like he was a breath away from shattering apart. He saw the hardness in Hinahoho's eyes, the sort of hard strength that kept his back straight and made him look ahead unwavering.

And for the first time, he felt like he might be strong enough as well. Maybe it wasn't the brightest motives that drove him. Still, if he was honest, it all boiled down to one thing.

He wanted to shake them off. He wanted to forget what their voices felt like in his head. He wanted to stop feeling the phantom touch of pudgy hands on his skin. He wanted to breathe. He wanted to be free.

He also knew he couldn't do it alone. Looking at the giant, Judar suddenly, unexpectedly realized something. The exactly same thing Hinahoho had tried to make him understand the whole time.

"You really don't blame me." He realized his voice sounded disbelieving.

Hinahoho smiled, the steel leaving his eyes and Judar truly, really realized the warmth that entered his gaze, his voice. "Yeah. You're family now Judar, for as long as you want to be."

Judar's perception of the man in front of him changed once again. "I never had a family." The Magi found himself saying. "Al-Tharmen killed my parents as soon as I was born." And anything afterwards wouldn't ever count.

For the first time since Judar had come into the room, did Hinahoho reach out, placing a big hand on his shoulder, lightly and gently, but at the same time warm and real.

"We're here, if you want one." He gave Judar's shoulder a soft, reassuring squeeze. "I'd like to have you in my family, Judar. You're always welcome here."

As unreal as the words sounded, it felt like Judar could finally wrap his head around it. Not quite completely yet, but he started to understand.

He could have a family if he wanted. A home. Something good and warm and safe and with sneaky acts of cookie-theft.

His hand found Hinahoho's and he swallowed, searching for the right words. He would go out on a limb here, probably. But then again, he had done the same thing when he had started to trust Sinbad.

In a quiet voice he finally spoke. "I think…I want that."

* * *

Sinbad had to admit that training with Masrur was the best idea he had this morning. The Fanalis understood right away, that Sinbad had something he wanted to work off and was more than willing to help with that, to take the edge off of his king.

Now they sat side by side, both of them taking care of their swords. Sinbad still felt his thoughts circling around Judar and the quiet, slight burn of bitter anger that curled in his chest, though it already felt a lot calmer, now that he had been able to work some of his energy off.

Masrur, who finished first, shifted slightly to look at his friend and king. Sinbad noticed the look he got from the Fanalis and sighed, his shoulders sagging. There was no way he could ignore the unspoken question in those red eyes.

"Judar and I talked." Sin started, staring at the sword in his hands, running the pads of his fingers of one hand over the broad-side of the blade, feeling the smooth, cold steel under his skin. "I haven't felt this hopeless in a long time." Frowning slightly, Sinbad sheathed his sword again.

Masrur moved slightly beside him, lifting a hand to clasp it on his king's shoulder, in a silent, supportive gesture, before releasing him again. "What do you think about that?"

"I'm also pretty angry, to be honest." Putting the sword aside, Sinbad stared at his hands for a moment. "I'm thinking that I should have said something sooner. I should have started to fight Al-Tharmen a lot earlier. I'm thinking that if I'm honest with myself, most of the time I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to Judar."

The Fanalis looked thoughtful and as serious as ever. "You're helping him." He finally said quietly.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just wondering if there are things I'm missing. I worry I might mess up because of that." Sinbad looked at his friend. "I like him, Masrur. More than I probably should, but that's not something I have any influence over. It's…whenever he tells me something about what happened with Al-Tharmen, I always have to fight the urge to go and find them all."

"Would you rather Judar talked with someone else?"

Sinbad shook his head. "If he trusts someone else, I'm happy for him, but I also want him to come to me as well." Taking a deep breath, the king leaned back a bit. "It's just…sometimes it gets…"

"Intense?" Masrur supplied.

Sinbad nodded. "Like I should go and fight, but I know I can't." It drove a part of him up the wall. The part that, by now, was too close to the curse, too close to the darkness that liked to whisper to him, though he was good at ignoring it.

Whenever Judar opened up about those hurts, the part of him that wanted to rip Al-Tharmen to shreds seemed to greedily suck up all the darkness and the angry thoughts that crossed Sinbad's mind and…rare as it was, sometimes Sinbad found it hard to pull back again and keep the curse out of his head.

Masrur seemed to understand the things Sinbad couldn't say and he turned to look over to the garden surrounding them. There were some things the Fanalis wanted to say, though none of them sounded right to him. Finally, he turned to his king. "Let us be here for you too."

Sinbad felt a small smile tugging the corners of his lips up and he found a hidden tension leaving his body. "I will, I know you're here for me. Thank you."

This time, the king clasped a hand on his friend's shoulder, before Masrur seemed to perk up and look over his shoulder. Following the Fanalis' gaze, Sinbad saw Ja'far coming towards them.

The advisor smiled. "Good morning, both of you. You're training early today." Looking at Sinbad, Ja'far lifted an eyebrow in an asking manner.

Sinbad scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, I had to work something off and Masrur agreed to help me."

Ja'far's expression shifted to a slightly worried one and Sinbad shook his head. "Things aren't fine, but I think they'll be better now." They had to be. Between all the storms there had to be at least a little sunshine.

"I take it you talked with Judar?" Ja'far asked, relaxing slightly.

"We talked, yes. He might even be back for breakfast I think. Or at a later time, he said I would see him again today."

"Good." The advisor moved to put his hands into his sleeves, nodding over his shoulder. "Which is exactly why I came to you. Breakfast is about to be served."

Masrur stood and Sinbad followed quickly, picking his sword up as well. "That's great, I'm starving!"

"And we have a meeting after breakfast with some of our advisors in our allied countries."

Groaning, Sinbad looked at Ja'far. "Work never ends, does it?"

Ja'far smiled drily. "We both know it doesn't."

Masrur followed them when they walked back into the palace and towards the dining hall. Halfway there they were joined by Sharrkan and Pisti, who both looked slightly hung over, though they hid it well.

When they reached the dining hall, Sinbad was happy and – secretly – relieved to see Judar was there. He sat beside Hinahoho and…well, he looked like heavy thoughts were on his mind and he seemed more subdued, though his ruby eyes still were looking at everything. Sinbad was pretty sure that, despite his inner turmoil, Judar still noticed everything around him.

Sitting down beside the Magi, Sinbad stretched to grab the bread basket, when Yamuraiha entered. Her face lit up when she saw Judar and she stopped beside him for a moment.

"I'm glad to see you this morning." She smiled at Judar, who looked up at her.

A moment later, he seemed to smile back slightly. "Yeah."

"If you want to, we can continue our experiment later; I put it on hold for now." She paused and hesitated, before placing a quick hand on Judar's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Judar looked surprised for a second, before he nodded. "I'll drop by later then."

"Good", Sharrkan said loudly, sauntering up to them. "Someone has to keep her from blowing everything up." Still, Sinbad didn't miss how the swordsman quickly looked Judar over and how a slight line of tension seemed to leave his shoulders.

Yamuraiha glared at the other general. "Very funny. If I may remind you, you were the last one between the two of us who managed to get themselves hurt. Not that long ago too."

"Pft." Sharrkan lazily threw a hand up. "Semantics, am I right Judar?"

Judar leaned back slightly, a deadpan expression on his face, though his eyes still seemed to hold too many emotions. "Keep me out of your bickering."

"You heard him." Ja'far spoke up. "And Sharrkan, Yamuraiha, please take a seat, we would like to start."

While the two went to sit down, Pisti leaned across the table towards Judar. She whispered, though Sinbad still managed to catch her words, despite him trying not to listen in. "I'm glad to see you again."

She smiled and sat back down to try and sneak something from Spartos' plate. Sinbad, who turned to say something as well, closed his mouth when he saw Judar's eyes looking suspiciously bright for a moment.

The king hesitated, before he gently placed a hand on Judar's back for a moment. Still, something in his chest felt warm. It was the knowledge that Judar really was accepted into the circle of his family. They all had noticed he hadn't been around and they all had worried in their own way.

Then, just before Sinbad removed his hand again, Judar leaned into the touch for a second.

"I know." The Magi murmured, too quiet for anyone else and their eyes met. And Judar really seemed to understand it now.

* * *

Judar hesitated before he lifted his hand to knock at the door to Ja'far's office. After breakfast, the Magi had left with Yamuraiha for her labs and they had stayed there, well through lunch – a servant had brought them some food though – and they had finished their experiment only a short while ago.

They had experimented with a combination of Rukhs and Judar had tried to pretend not to know anything new about the pink Rukh, when Yamuraiha brought it up – it wasn't exactly his place to tell, aside from the fact that it felt…sort of awkward. Still, almost like an afterthought, he had kept thinking about the red-ledger-thing Hinahoho had talked about. He had started to think maybe, maybe he could talk to Ja'far about it…

After they finished their experiment though, Judar once again felt all too clearly that there was too much going on in him and he had to talk about a few things. The Magi never thought the day would come when he sought out people on his own to talk about his thoughts and feelings.

But he had to, because his mind didn't shut up, no matter how much he tried to distract himself.

The door opened and Ja'far looked surprised for a moment, before he stepped aside, opening the door wider.

"Judar, how can I help you?"

"I wanted to ask you something." The Magi started, stepping into the room. The advisor gestured for him to take a seat before he closed the door and sat back behind his desk.

"What would you like to know?"

Judar stared at his hands for a moment, a slight frown creasing his brows, before he looked up. "I never tried to do the right thing." He gestured slightly. "Not really, at least."

Ja'far nodded slowly, guessing at what the Magi hinted at. "It's difficult, isn't it?"

Releasing a long breath, Judar's shoulders seemed to relax slightly. "I don't know how to do it. I never cared before." He dragged a hand through his hair, continuing quietly. "Before, I never cared about the people who died or who got hurt."

The advisor looked at the Magi, at his slightly hunched posture and the way the fingers of his other hand were curled tightly around his wand. They were talking about something very important and…Ja'far couldn't help but feel good about the fact that the younger male had come to him to talk about it, despite their past with each other. "What changed then?"

Judar's frown deepened and he made a small, aborted gesture, before he found his words again. "Everything, somehow. Al-Tharmen is not…in my head anymore." And oh god, that made so much awful sense Ja'far wondered how poisoned Judar's thoughts had been, how deeply the organization had pushed him into darkness to make him fight everyone and to make him into a person that wanted to see the world burn.

It reminded Ja'far of himself, a little bit. Of the young child that led assassins and had to kill his own parents. The kid that had drowned in something without sound, or air or light until the world around him had looked different and the shadows had become his home. From all the generals, Ja'far probably understood it the best. He understood seeing the world in a way that made it easier to hurt other people in order to keep himself as safe and sane as possible. In order to survive.

Judar took a deep breath and continued. "And then, Sinbad. Who took me in and gave me a home and a job and then, at last, freedom. And then you guys started to accept me. And…"

"You started to care." Ja'far said softly when the Magi trailed off.

"Yeah. And a small part of me hates that. Hates the…the guilt and the way my memories are so much…worse now."

There was no way Ja'far couldn't see how difficult it was for Judar to talk about that, to speak so honestly and to bare himself in a way that could get him hurt. He probably was desperate enough to try and trust Ja'far with that much, to try and make sense of the new world he found himself in.

Even if they still had not been on the best of terms, Ja'far wouldn't have used that to hurt the Magi. He wasn't the sort of person to dig into the wounds and scars of the mind.

Lifting his head slightly, Judar looked the advisor in the eye. "I don't know how to deal with that. What to do."

Taking a slow, deep breath, Ja'far thought about his answer for a moment. "There is no universal solution, especially not to guilt; it is way too complex for that. And you will continue to realize and see things you didn't notice before. Things started to change for you and it won't be done until you find your place and healed the wounds you still carry with you."

Judar didn't look happy with that and for a few seconds, he seemed to mull over it. "Hinahoho said that here might be a good start to work on the blood on my hands."

"If you want that." Ja'far inclined his head. "Here can be a good place. You also might find another way. You can start here and move somewhere else, wherever time takes you. The important part is, Judar, even if you can't see it right now, try not to get lost in it."

Leaning forwards on his desk, the advisor looked at him seriously. "It might not do damage like the darkness did, but it will still swallow you up. What helped me was to find myself, create a place for myself and find a family and friends. I may never have clean hands and I will never forget the faces of the people who found death through me, but I can't change that. I can't travel back in time and fix my mistakes. My salvation, if you want to see it like that, was to get myself back."

Smiling tightly, Ja'far placed his hands on the desk, a thin, silvery scar running along the pad of this left thumb. "And there is no better revenge than to become a whole, healthy person that stands their own ground. Your enemies never hate anything as much as they hate losing control over you and watching you live happily."

Judar returned Ja'far's gaze just as seriously. "Do I deserve that?"

"That is something only you can decide. We all can tell you that you deserve it, but it won't change a thing until you believe it. When it comes to the shackles of your mind, none of us can unlock them. Only you can set yourself free."

Judar was quiet after that, first staring at Ja'far, then at the wand in his hand. Finally, he nodded.

"I see." He paused, before he spoke again and his words sounded a little like he still tried them out. "Thank you."

Leaning back, Ja'far gave the Magi a small smile. "Come by whenever you want to, my door is open. And you're welcome."

Standing up, the Magi left again, closing the door quietly behind him. Ja'far rubbed a hand over his face once he couldn't hear Judar's light steps anymore.

He maybe didn't have quite the close connection to Judar like Yamuraiha or Sinbad did, but even he had seen the age-old pain in Judar's eyes.

For a few long minutes, the advisor thought about who he would be, if Sinbad had not found him when he did. There was no doubt in Ja'far's mind, that he still would be an assassin. Lowering his gaze at his hands, he looked at the tiny, paper thin scars that crossed over his palms and fingers.

He could still recall how it had been when he had lived in darkness, when the world was nothing but black and cold and hard, and it was survive or die, sink or swim. He probably would never forget it either.

Reaching for his quill, Ja'far tried to return his focus to his papers. However, a small part of himself kept thinking about Judar, about his past, asking himself if Judar would find the answers to his questions that no one could give him, only he himself could.

He wondered why there had to be so much hurt in the world and if the one life-time they all had, would be enough to truly change that. If it would ever be enough to just erase Al-Tharmen.

* * *

Judar walked through the corridors, deep in thoughts. Hinahoho's and Ja'far's words got him thinking a lot and he still hadn't figured anything out yet, not with himself, not the life he had now or how he could deal with all the emotions inside of him.

The hurt and the anger, the fear and bitterness, were so much closer to the surface now, so much clearer than back then when he had still ignored it all. His self-loathing battled with the fragile hope inside of him that refused to be smothered. He clung to that hope, more than he expected he would.

It was the hope that he could turn his life around, that he could do the right thing and find his place in the world. A safe place where people respected his choices and listened when he spoke.

He still remembered how Al-Tharmen had brushed him off when he tried to tell someone about the emperor, no matter how small and vague his words had been. He still remembered when he realized he couldn't escape, as long as he was in Kou's palace. He couldn't kill or fight the emperor, who was the most influental person, the one everyone watched and the chess piece that Al-Tharmen was unwilling to give up.

He still remembered how his body froze in fear and his grip grew limp and that even if he wanted to, he was too afraid to fight back. No one believed him. No one listened to him. They had let him grow up with that knowledge, with that suffocating darkness and hatred, and the crushing wish to just get away.

He realized that if he started to hurt people like everyone wanted, he could get away. He could start to leave the palace on his own and by then he was more than willing to ignore the whispers in his mind. He had ignored how they grew stronger and how his black Rukh had clustered close to him and how his very soul had been drenched in darkness.

Because all this was better than having to stay in the palace where he wasn't even allowed to fight back. Where certain sounds or smells made him freeze or turn to run the other way.

He knew that he would never forget that. Those memories had shaped him and, as it seemed, they continued to shape him. Though now, there was a difference. The voices had left his head and he had found the surface again, reemerging from the darkness he had drowned in.

He found a light again and a ground to stand on, even if it shook and crumbled again and again, to reform into something new.

And maybe, that was what was important. This maybe was what brought the change, what helped him find who he wanted to be.

Ja'far was right, he thought. He wanted to know who he wanted to be instead of trying to make himself into the person others wanted him to be.

He still felt the guilt sitting hot and sharp in his spine and his self-loathing still curled through his gut, but his lungs felt freer, not clogged up anymore. He could and would find himself, try out which pieces of his former self he wanted to keep and which parts felt too wrong now.

Pausing at a window, from where he could see Sinbad and Spartos sparring, Judar thought that, at least this time, he wasn't alone. He could have people he trusted, people he could use as his north star when he lost the way. People who had steady ground to walk on while his still kept crumbling and rebuilding.

"Judar!" The Magi startled slightly, turning around to see Sharrkan coming towards him. The swordsman had an easy, relaxed smile on his face and his movements were fluid and almost lazy in their easiness. "I didn't get to talk to you much, how are you?"

The lie was already halfway out of his mouth, when Judar changed his mind. Gauging Sharrkan's reaction, he shrugged with one shoulder. "Better. You?"

"Eh, I'm fine." Slinging an easy arm around the Magi's shoulders in a comfortable and companionable gesture, the swordsman also looked out of the window towards Sinbad and Spartos sparring. Sharrkan was hyper aware of Judar beside him, who had stiffened slightly and then, before Sharrkan could pull away with a joke, had relaxed a little again, not completely, but enough to accept the touch and closeness.

They stood like that for a short moment, before Sharrkan cleared his throat. "So, have you seen Yamuraiha?"

Judar, unexpectedly, snorted before looking at him with a mixed expression of amusement and are-you-an-idiot? "I was with her until after lunch. I don't know where she might be now."

"Oh, well, I just wanted to ask her if she wanted to join Pisti, Masrur and me on going to the city to drink. What about you? Do you want to come along?"

"Maybe another time."

Shrugging, the swordsman let the Magi go again. "Fine with me. Just tell us if you want to come along, you're welcome to any time. Though, I have to warn you. If Yamuraiha or Pisti had a breakup just recently, there is a high chance of tears and complaining and generally asking you questions no man ever wants to answer, like, seriously."

"I'll try to remember that." Judar said dryly and Sharrkan noticed that he looked better. Still paler than usual, but some of his heaviness seemed to have lifted and he looked like he stood straighter.

Sharrkan didn't know if he had helped but if he had, he would give himself a mental pat on the shoulder for it.

"Alright then, I'll be going again. If you see Yamu, just tell her to come with us. She has been cooped up in the castle for too long and she has to get out if she doesn't want to merge her body with her magic knick-knacks."

Waving, the swordsman continued on his way and Judar made a mental note to either not tell Yamuraiha what exactly he had said or tell her it was Sharrkan who had said those exact words, only to get them to bicker. Well, they always bickered but that seemed to be their way of communication most of the time.

Besides, there was no way Judar could have missed how Sharrkan's Rukh had gotten a pinkish tinge when he talked about the woman. And that was also new and something Judar hadn't noticed before. It was like his eyes were opened for those kind of things now.

Redirecting his gaze, Judar stared at his black Rukh, tilting his head slightly when he suddenly noticed a few tiny, white Rukhs fluttering among them. What were they doing here?

Lifting his hand, he reached out to them, curious why the white ones were so close to his black ones. Then one of the white Rukhs landed on his outstretched fingers and he listened to it's chirp, his whole body freezing.

It couldn't be…but it was the same voice…it was his. But how? Staring at it, his mind completely blank while a swirl of emotions rose in his chest. Hope, disbelief, happiness and worry. Could he accept it? It was already here though. It was his.

Before he could stop himself, he felt a chocked up laugh leaving his throat. He couldn't believe it. Yet here it was. An odd warmth filled his chest, until he realized that it was just simple, honest and pure happiness. No matter how much self-loathing was in him, how much guilt bit at the back of his neck, there was white Rukh, and it was his.

There was still hope. He truly wasn't lost yet. He could turn around, the proof was right in front of him, lifting from his finger again with a high and light chirp.

"Judar?"

It felt like he jumped a mile high when he suddenly heard Sinbad's voice behind him. Whirling around, he saw the king leaning against the window from the outside. Sweat caused his bangs to stick to his forehead, but he looked happy and relaxed.

Lifting a hand, the king leaned back slightly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." His eyes brightened then and a smile stole across his face. "You look really happy though, I'm glad to see that."

And Judar was already gesturing towards his white Rukh – and could you believe that, it was white – when he noticed Sinbad's Rukh, truly paid close attention to it.

It was pink and it chirped happily, fluttering around the king like excited little birds. For a moment, Judar felt thrown and confused, because no one else was here and Sinbad wasn't talking about someone else, so who…

Then he realized it at the same second he listened to Sinbad's Rukh. His hand fell to his side and he stared at the king, his mouth slightly open.

A worried frown slowly appeared on Sinbad's face, though he made no move to reach out to the Magi. "Judar?"

"Sorry." The younger male said, not knowing how to feel about this. To be honest, he for the moment didn't feel much aside from stunned, numb surprise. His white Rukh fluttered close to his shoulder. "I just…I have to think."

"Okay." Sinbad sounded confused, though he stepped back from the window. "I just finished sparring with Spartos, so if you want to talk to me before dinner, you'll find me in my office."

Nodding, Judar watched how the king turned around after one last, long glance back. He stared at Sinbad's back and just allowed the chirping of his black and few white Rukh's to wash over him.

His first thought was that he wasn't sure why Sinbad felt this way, if there was even anything lovable about him. His second thoughts were that he had absolutely no idea at all on how to deal with this.


End file.
